My very present help

One of those days

2012-02-05T22:53:00.002-05:00

This day has bested me. Vertigo struck last night. It never tells me when it's coming and I certainly do not welcome it's arrival. I took said vertigo drugs which I believe turn me into a bonnie version of a zombie...
grumpy, ugly and ungrateful.
Girls left for church with me home, spinning slightly. Tim has a rotten cold. He was what I call "no fun."
My zombie compassion was zilch.

I turned to food today to fill the ache in my heart. It didn't work very well. I did read my Bible, but zombies do not understand Bible verses.. Especially when they are reading with a holes in their heart, wanting to be filled with strudel, chocolate or popcorn.

The words of Paul did echo in my soul today..He did ask--no he "entreated" God to take away a thorn in his flesh, 3 times. God said NO.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness." II Corinthians 12:9

To be gut wrenchingly honest, today did not FEEL like His grace was sufficient. I know zombies cannot feel, but this daylight hour, I did. I whined. I complained. I grumped. I hurled smallish logs at bigger ones, hoping to free them from their frozen places. I hurt my wrist in the process..

It is only now, in the quiet of the evening, after eating more popcorn, and watching a football game that made me think much of my brother-- the words

My grace is sufficient gently wafted to my heart.

One of the attributes of God is not pushiness. He does not heft Himself upon me. He waits, like a father--who has just talked with a son--- for the son to come and make things right.

My.
Grace.
Is.
Sufficient.

What does that mean? For me, as a believer in Jesus Christ, it means that when the day I'm living is a zombie-fied disaster, the kindness of God, towards me, His daughter, is sufficient.
Enough.

God please forgive me for my attitude today. You say if I confess my sins, You are faithful and just to forgive my sins and cleanse me from ALL unrighteousness. I John 1:9
Forgive me for the anger, that I let rule me..You say that the anger of man does not achieve the righteous life that You desire for me..James 1:20

Thank You that You are sufficient God.
Not popcorn.
Not chocolate.
Not turning to any substance, thing, show or computer junk--(fbook)
but You.

I am laying my head on my pillow, next to my snorky husband, and believing You and Your Word tonight.

You are faithful,
Bonnie

Manifold grace

2012-02-02T22:06:00.003-05:00

Tim's hernia repair went off without any troubles. I have had the "shoe on the other foot" now. Blue hair bonnet, hospital gown, IV in, shaved belly, betadine orange hue, those smells...oh many times he has been there for me, and I stand next to him now. I cannot even pray because I'm swallowing a lump-- but my heart is grateful God's presence there, for a friend administering the "sleep juice", for a great surgeon and my son coming and helping his dad in recovery.

9 days post op brings humility. For him. No work. Lots of computer mumbo jumbo. For me, tending the fire, poking around, breaking the maul handle (!) hurting my shoulder, arm and bumping up my asthma a tad..making sure we eat nutritious meals, except for the one the Other Night. The rice was still crunchy and we had to go..

Seeing his incision was the most painful for me because it was his flesh, cut, healing and being held with steri strips. My lover's and my best friends...we are able to sleep curled up in each other's arms finally and that too is a grace..

Serving someone who is hurting comes easy for me. I believe it is because I am operating within my spiritual gifting of mercy.

Moments have handed me opportunities. Grateful or grumble? I must confess I grumbled. Much. Gratefulness counteracts grumpiness quite nicely. A powerful boost to my tattered soul.

Here is a list of my gratitude moments these past few days:

A friend has been loading our wood stove every night for the last 5-6 days..
The wood pile is lasting due to weirdly warm weather.
Rachel got the stomach flu, but it only lasted 24 hours.
We have been spared, so far..
Dear friends, whom we haven't seen or heard from in years, contacted us.
I've had strength to minister to my family.
Long naps.
Calls from friends asking how Tim is faring.
Tim being able to hold me, instead of pillows..
Hannah calling and sharing her life with us.
Praying for her over the phone tonight.
The Word spoken over me..
our home fellowship groups
worship

Must head for bed..please keep praying he will heal up well.

Thankful for grace,
Bonnie

How DO you handle rejection?

2012-01-21T22:02:00.000-05:00

This isn't the first time it's happened. Another loved one blocked me on Facebook. Oh brother!! In Tang Soo Do when I am being punched at or kicked, I block it. Fast. Then I deliver a counter punch and depending on who is trying to attack me, I deliver one that will injure them so I can get away.

In this techno world we live in, however, mediums like fbook and texting, presents me with myriads of choices to deliver that counter punch.. I could YELL AT PEOPLE with capital letters in a text. I could simply ignore them when I see their caller id. Or I could send an email with more CAPITAL letters, tell them how to stuff various parts of their bodies in their ears, hit the send button and head to Walmart. Thinking I've dealt with it. (wrong)

I was ready to deliver that counter punch this week. Right here on my blog. Since that is the only way I have to "communicate" to this person, I thought it'd be a hard hitting, stunning blow. Quite frankly, I'm sick of this rejection!! I'm tired of being told what to do!! Enough is enough.

*sigh*
Life is too short. People are supposed to matter. Especially family people. We share the same genetic code for heavens sake...

I mentioned it to Hannah. That same medium people use to be offensive and not truly deal with life throbbing problems, is also the one she chose to bless me. To convict me.

She has been memorizing 1 Corinthians 13. Before she left for this semester, she was able to recite it, all of it. Daughter encourages mother.

In the little box of my phone I see, "Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly ; it does not seek its own, is not provoked(which I was) and does not take into account a wrong suffered.(I was)."

Gulp.

I was taking lots into account. Flare ups of anger were surging through my spirit and I really, truly wanted to inflict pain on this person.....

That is acting unbecomingly.
I was seeking my own because I wanted pain to cease.

I was also reacting instead of responding. I am thankful God's Word stopped me... I would have inflicted more pain...Oh Jesus, thank You for the power of Your Word!

So to my dear loved ones who are reading this blog:

I do love you and always will. I pray for you every day, earnestly, fervently. I pray for God to bless you..

I cannot force anything now I realize this. But you dear reader, need to know that I will always love you.
No matter what. If you walked through my door right now, I'd hug you..
That is the truth.
********************************

To answer the question, how DO you handle rejection?

If you are dealing with rejection, you need to consider what God's Word has to say about it.
Jesus Himself, was despised and rejected. He understands.

He chose to love despite the in your face hatred of many. Love kept Him going to the cross.

My "advice" to you is to forgive fully. I've discovered this takes time. It's hard. But if you don't do it, you will be absolutely miserable. Your rage will infect and poison others. I have lived this and it's awfully dreadful. It saps you of everything lovely.
Poison you it will.

One of the most difficult aspects about forgiveness, is that I tend to think myself into one of those situations that excludes me from it. Situational ethics or moral relativity? As a Christian?? Yes. I've done it. Doesn't make it right, but I've so done it.

Sorry dear reader. As a believer in Jesus Christ I am called to love and forgive. I am called to put away rage, malice, slander, gossip, bitterness and immorality. It doesn't happen like BAM and it's over. For me, I daily must die to it and live to Christ.

No counter punches.(only in karate)
Only God ones. His Word Ones.

"Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible as far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God. For it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord.
But if your enemy is hungry, feed them. And if he is thirsty give him a drink; for in doing so you will heap burning coals upon his head.
Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Romans 12: 17-21

You are faithful,
Bonnie

I will always love you

2012-01-16T21:21:00.000-05:00

My mom will always love me. She has been an example of faith and love to me over the decades.

Yummy homemade brunch.....now a Saturday tradition...\Here she is at the restaurant, huffin' and a puffin'!

A glorious burst of sun in our woods while I'm out burning off birthday brunch calories.

My has had intense bursts of grief and pain in these 75 years of hers. She has buried a husband to cancer at a young age (49) and a son.(45) TWO.
Then there's me diagnosed as well, but still able to hear her blow out her candles. Her life is a testimony of God's provision and might. She relies on Him, trusts in Him and believes in Him. She is a grandmother to 9 grandchildren--and loves each of them dearly. She has been steadfast in times of trouble. I still walk in and see her with her Bible on her lap, reading, soaking up the words because they are her very life.
I count her as a friend and a mom. A double blessing. She encourages. She prays---hard. She worries still like only a mom is able.
I am grateful Lord for the gift of my mom. Bless her with peace Lord. Fill her aches and pains of grief and rejection with Your comfort and peace.

Happy 75th birthday momma,
I love you,
Me

Joy dare

2012-01-10T21:47:00.005-05:00

I've been reading this blog for some time now. A Holy Experience. The woman educates at home her 6 children, writes ALL the time, loves God, kneads beautiful loaves of bread, lives on a farm and intimately reveals the nooks and crannies of her soul in ways that make me really, truly think..I don't think I've read such nouns since Ann Keimel back in the 1980's. God has inscribed words deep into this gal's soul. My dream is to meet her one day, face to face.

Anyhoo--

She challenged her readers to take a JOY dare. For the month of January.

For the first day of January you need to write down 3 things about yourself you are grateful for.

For me: First day of the new year (1) I am alive and kickin! (2) I love to pray. (3) I belong to Tim.

Fifth day of January was to list something you're reading, something you're making, something you're seeing.

Me: Charles Dickens A Christmas Carol , homemade bread, Teresa's fingers playing the piano SO well.

Day 6: one thing in your bag, your fridge, your heart.
Me: black belt from Tang Soo Do, meat for friends, knowing Jesus is with me..

Gratitude resonates with me. I have MUCH to be thankful for--I'm alive after cancer.

I have a wonderful husband. 4 great, God fearing children. A mom who loves me and lives 20 steps from my backdoor. A roof over my head that does not leak. Warm clothes.

For me, being grateful is living it. Gratitude hones the edge of life.

Gratitude subdues complaining. Gratitude is contagious.

Gratitude deepens my awareness of a sunset, even though they come day after day after day.

Gratitude freshens my spirit on busy go to town days---where I leave the house at noon and get home at 5, eat dinner and jump back into my vehicle again...

Because I'm human, I tend to resort back to whining. Complaining.

My heart needs reinforcement. Practice. Continual reminding of how to live in this stubborn, rebellious, grumpy, road rage infested world..

I am on #846 of things I am grateful for tonight. I should reach 1,00o by the end of this month Lord willing.

I will simply begin again. Or keep going. Who knows?

He is faithful,

Bonnie

Here's the link for the JOY dare at Ann Voskamp's blog!

http://www.aholyexperience.com/?p=8692

Holding my hand

2012-01-07T23:06:00.004-05:00

You held me fast this day Lord.

Two memorial services I attended.

One for a gentleman. One for my girlfriend.

Each courageously, bravely, battled cancer.

I am not going to say cancer "won."

When people are believers in Jesus Christ, cancer does not win if the person dies.

Their bodies succumbed to a disease, but it did not "win."

Jesus Christ won when He took the sins of us all upon Himself,

was crucified and 3 days later rose again. Simply put, He defeated the sting of death. He conquered it!

He won--- death for my girlfriend is not the end--it is a new beginning in Heaven.

She is more alive now than ever.

I can still hear her laugh. We talked about our fears as moms. Neither of us were afraid of dying.. But man o man, were we smitten by merely entertaining the thought of our children continuing to live --without us.

She modeled for me how to live with cancer, bravely.

Joyfully.

She didn't play victim.

Not once did I hear her whine or complain.

Genuine transparency graced her lips.

Oh Jesus, be a comfort to these families tonight...

Before I left this morning I equipped my soul.

My eyeballs read this

"For I am the Lord Your God, Who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, "Do not fear, I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

We had to make an emergency run to the vet this am for Rachie's bunny. A broken leg?

Not sure..

And the service began at noon.

We arrived at 12:20...

I was in knots.

Then the Holy Spirit tenderly applied the balm of peace and whispered these familiar

words to my soul,

I am taking hold of your hand daughter dear..

Do not fear, I will

help you..

My heart aches but I cling to hope.

I know Who holds my hand.

You are faithful,

Bonnie

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T23:21:00.003-05:00

Brother, we all missed you today. I believe God's Word tells me that you can see what goes on here on earth--and I know you would've been smiling and laughing at all the antics in our home this Christmas.
Her are your lovely nieces and handsome nephew! My treasures..
Mom crafted these pillowcases for each of us, complete with a specific truth from Scripture and chose by her..she is amazing my momma!!
They were starving and couldn't wait to get out of their dress up clothes!
My youngest is nicknamed Shorty--so they let her be tall!!

Yes I miss those I cannot see.

Yes, it makes my heart ache to not hear their voices or behold them with my eyes..

BUT

I have my children, my husband and my mom here..

I am blessed mightily-

wonderfully-

amazingly-

HERE-

NOW-

with the life God's given me.

Thank You Lord for a new, fresh perspective..

Thank You for the gift of Your Son...

Pink baby skin,

God wrapped in sinew and flesh,

HERE

and

NOW

You are Immanuel,

God

with us.

Merry Christmas friends,

Bonnie

Merry Christmas

Pondered

2011-12-18T22:38:00.002-05:00

Scripture states that "Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." Luke2:19

Treasured here has the idea of gathering up your treasures and clutching them to your chest--not begrudgingly but tenderly, with wonderment.

Example:
Teresa played for her Christmas program Saturday night..
she looked absolutely stunning to me.. this beauty of mine, bowed and sat down and from her fingertips and heart-- the crowd heard What Child is This...
My child.
The one who stayed in the womb almost 2 weeks late.
The one who just had to touch my neck while she nursed.
Cheeks.
Tears.
Diapers.
Love poured out in days, months, heavens, years...
stealthy those years crept--
when I listened I saw a baby in my arms, felt a child on my lap and heard a young lady, playing SO well..

and I understood lately I've been pondering the ugly things.
Harboring harsh words written almost 2 years ago.
Run over--my heart crushed by a girl friend's death--and others with cancer returning.
Me, the blogger lady, letting death sting me, when Jesus took that stinger and ground it down to a nub.

I have life before me.
Lived out day after day.
Meals.
Messes.
LIFE.
I must live here.
The past with busted up relationships--I've given permission to taint my present.
I have forgiven honestly Lord.
And I trust Your timing.
I believe one day YOU will restore. YOU will heal. YOU will do so in YOUR time and
YOUR ways. I do so earnestly pray for this..and You know it well. You O God, know my heart and in this I must rest.

Truth treasures come softly tonight.
You come like a snowflake Lord, light and beautiful. Stunning.
I will ponder this.
I will gather up my daughter playing so well, and cherish her NOW.
I will remember the sunset glorious tonight.
I will continue to live here and be in this moment.
I will give my past pains and aches to You--the ones You've allowed for reasons I do not understand..

I will not allow them to choke the life out of me any longer.

Help me Lord to live in balance.
Loving those who have given up on loving me--
loving my family who is here, now, needing me,
being grateful in all circumstances, trials and heartaches--

and
treasuring
up
all
these things.

O Come let us adore Him-
O Come let us adore Him-
O come let us adore Him-
Christ the Lord.

You are faithful,
Bonnie

Come Let us Adore Him

2011-12-15T21:52:00.002-05:00

6 days have passed since my girlfriend has walked into the arms of Jesus. Knowing that death is not the end, knowing that she is with God, knowing that she is whole and healed of her cancer, brings me hope..

yet it has been hard.

Stark.

Painful.

Real close to my heart.

I am grateful I was able to kneel by her and talk with her. Brings me a teensy bit of comfort.

God's presence ushers in more because after all, He is the God of comfort.

I've been grumpy.

Moody.

Tense.

Angry.

And I really can't put a finger on why. I know this is not how my friend would want me to react or grieve.

I could spill my guts here, but this is truly not the place because God made my guts and He alone knows what and who puts them in knots.. or why I do.

Truth:

I can adore while I hurt.

I can worship in pain.

I can trust when I reflect on why I'm still here and my friend is not.

So Lord, in my broken estate, I will

come

and

adore

You.

God Who loves me,

come to earth,

wrapped in pink baby skin.

I love You,

Bonnie

Not goodbye

2011-12-06T22:32:00.003-05:00

Believers in Jesus Christ are promised eternity in
Heaven. My life on this blue sphere is a blip compared to forever.

I believe this with all of me. Every fiber and cell of me.

Jesus Christ defeated the sting of death by dying for my sins and yours I might add--

by believing in Him, I am given new life and it lasts forever.

So what?

Well, because of what I believe---

I do not fear death. It is a doorway to walk through to be with God. To see my brother. To behold my Savior Jesus. Having had cancer makes me acutely aware of this. Once I've heard "it's cancer " I live in this tension----some days my heart gets stretched taut heavenwards, other days, I simply want to live like this: cancer is a word that must apply to someone else.

A few hours ago, my heart got stretched to breaking.

She has been struggling for months, my girlfriend. Breast cancer has engulfed too many cells.

I wanted to see her, to pray with her, to tell her I loved her and that I would see her "soon."

In light of eternity that is..

I told her God's Word says "a friend loves at all times." Even hard, lump in your throat moments.

I spoke all of Psalm 91 to her. I swallowed my lump..(b/c I remembered when I spoke the same words over my brother..)

I sang to her

Be still and know,

that I am God,

be still and know,

that I am God,

be still and know

that

God.

Then I told her I wasn't going to tell her goodbye, but "see you in Heaven."

I think that those seconds aren't so much for the person who is dying,

but for the one living.

I can still remember her laugh, her face, her smile--seeing her ill

does not diminish my girlfriend.

It hurts my soul,

it makes me ache deep inside to see a person I care for, suffering,

but I cling to a thin thread of hope.

Hope brings feet into too quiet homes, onto carpet in bedrooms and kneels beside a girlfriend's bed.

Hope does not shy away to look at the face of one she loves..

Hope speaks.

Hope prays for family and weeps in the car alone...

Hope longs for Heaven..

"But when this perishable will have put on the imperishable, and this moral will have put on immortality, then will come about the saying, "DEATH IS SWALLOWED UP in victory.

"O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR VICTORY;

O DEATH, WHERE IS YOUR STING?"

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law,

but thanks be to God,

who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.."

I Corinthians 15:54-57

Clinging,

Bonnie

Hunting..

2011-11-27T16:09:00.003-05:00

Day two into the season. He came from the northeast; windy conditions. 20 yards from my ground spot-- I did not hear him at all--he simply appeared, licking, nose wet, moving slowly. I waited until his head turned away to bring up my daddy's .32 Winchester and BOOM.

Meat for the freezer.

I thanked God audibly, cried (because it's such an adrenaline rush--and I hate seeing them die..)

and called Tim. I always take my cell phone with me, it's just on silent.

My sweetheart did all the rest; the hauling, gutting, cutting up, labeling those white packages for our freezer and smiling at me--telling me I "did a good job."

I do much praying while I sit.

Much.

What's awesome about this concept is only God and I know the who and for what.

I kind of like it that way.

Thank You Lord for answering my prayers and for bringing Mr. 6 point right across my path.

Thank You for a freezer bulging with venison from not only me, but two other deer, given to us!

You are like that--lavish, abundant and full of surprises...

You are faithful,

Bonnie

Thanks living

2011-11-24T22:53:00.002-05:00

Stuffed. With Your goodness. For--

My family. Seen and unseen.

You Lord.

From Jesus Calling:

November 24 entry.

"THANKFULNESS takes the sting out of adversity.

That is why I have instructed you to give thanks for everything.

There is an element of mystery in this transaction: You give Me thanks

(regardless of your feelings)

and I give you Joy (regardless of your circumstances)

This is a spiritual act of obedience--at times, blind obedience.

To people who don't know Me intimately, it can seem irrational and even impossible to

thank Me for heartrending hardships.

Nonetheless, those who obey Me

in this way are invariably

blessed,

even though difficulties remain."

Ephesians 5:20 .."giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.."

You are Faithful Lord,

Bonnie

Recurrence/New Hair cut

2011-11-22T18:41:00.004-05:00

"Praying is all I ask of you," her voice spoke, those blue, blue eyes boring into mine..

I hugged her hard and then realized I may be hurting her. Told her I was going to being praying hard for her...she knew I meant it with all I had in me..

Ugh.

Today my daughter got her hair cut for locks of love. I'm so proud of her.

I'm watching my 16 year old's hair hitting the floor-- being shorn on purpose because it's fun,

and thinking about my friend, who is going to shave her head-- on purpose, because it's better to do that than watch your locks fall out in ugly globs in the shower....

I'm watching her as she cuts a mans hair--speaking tenderly to him, assuring him tomorrow will be a better day than today..and I realize I am witnessing grace.

This woman has cancer AGAIN and she is administering grace to another hurting soul..

The word recurrence is ugly. The thought can be crippling to a cancer survivor.

I never ever want cancer to return in my body,

but I understand each day, it could.

I do not live in fear,

but am trying to cultivate gratitude--for every moment I am here,

living.

Yet, the word Recurrence can be--old wounds, haunting me again, in essence recurring, and I let it.

It can be fear. Dark nights, tossing and turning, fear lurks.

It can be bitterness--

seething,

roiling under the surface of daily living,

blocking people,

talking badly about them to others,

snapping at my loved ones over the inconsequential things,

always angry.....

When faced with the threat of cancer returning in my body, I am honestly trying to live as best I can.

I am taking care of myself --nutrition, sleep, exercise and Godly living are all within MY ability to do. I'm not perfect but overall, I am doing my part.

The same is with my attitudes.

When those 'tudes come back into my heart,

and play out in my daily life,

it's time to perform "surgery."

Lance the ugliness with God's truth--

Cleanse with an application of confession---

Infusion with strong, undeserved grace---

Just like my friend dosing out grace today though she is battling cancer for the second time,

Let me be like her--

battling my ugly recurrences of bitterness, anger and pride Lord for the umpteenth time--

Let me Lord

be the one

to dole

out

grace.

Help my friend Lord to rely on You.

Help her to know in her heart of hearts,

that You

are a Very

Present

Help

Trouble.

Grateful,

Bonnie

P.S. Would you lift up my friend? God knows her name..

Deep calls to deep

2011-11-20T21:42:00.003-05:00

At the sound of Thy waterfalls: all Thy breakers and Thy waves have rolled over me Psalm 42:7...

a Psalm speaking of the connection felt with God during the breaking--the pain, rejection, loneliness, sorrow, grief--hurt causes thirst in me--

some days for justice--

others for healing--

I admit I want moments coated in relief--a pill administered to numb the pain--not truly deal with it.

When I worship--the deepest part of me cries out to You Lord.

Like tonight, when we sang How Great Thou Art--with just our voices---

I stop to listen and remember how we sang it at my wedding--my daddy and brother up front, voices booming, singing and smiling..

I let the memory come and savored it, but it still stings..
Grief is like waves-breakers-- some small, some huge, but always washing up on the shore of my soul.

Holidays are tough on grieving hearts.

I remember the very first one after my dad died. He died the end of October and of course,

Thanksgiving follows close..

Fresh grief is raw --I couldn't eat. I was angry everyone else seemed to be having a good time.

Reality is they were just trying to do what they could to apply salve to my wounded heart.

Anger burned then, compassion sees now. I am grateful for my family.

Grief is usually associated with people dying.

It can come from loss of a job, chronic pain, illness,

divorce, etc. etc.

Cancer patients grieve the loss of "normal."

I grieved the loss of my hair, my breasts,

and reeled for months and months with fear and

pain.

Perspective is a lovely word when you look back.

When loss thrusts you into a new world of

pain, you lose it.

I am so very grateful for God's love,

His faithfulness to me and my family

and for the strength He administers to me.

I am thankful this Thanksgiving I have the hope---

the HOPE--

that one day I will be able to see my dad

and my

brother

face

face.

I will let that breaker wash over me again and again...

You are faithful,

Bonnie

27 years my love

2011-11-18T13:17:00.003-05:00

( I stole a kiss after the bride and groom walked down the aisle!!!!!)

My 23 year old son posted this on the book of face yesterday--

What is love? The best and most potent example to me is the love displayed by my parents. The love that endured all the hardships, the love the fought the cancer, the love that fights the pain of lost ones, the love that survived when the money was gone, the love that was not based on self wants, desires and selfish ambitions, the love that always says "I do" when others would have not, the love that is selfless no matter what happens, the love that always forgives, the love that is in a slow dance or in a soft kiss, The love that is in a child's first cry held in a mothers arms, the love that survives because it is from our Lord The Christ. The love of my parents

Happy Anniversary honey---I am glad God chose you for me.

Thank you for loving me like Christ loves the church and gave Himself for her...

Your bride,

Bonnie

No Words

2011-11-18T01:55:00.003-05:00

Prayer can span spaces filled with silence.

On purpose.

Lives can be touched with prayer. Hard.

That is what I'm doing and will always do

no matter what.

You are faithful Lord

Bonnie

Beauty

2011-11-11T22:20:00.003-05:00

True beauty lies within. These two sweethearts bless me in many ways.. I love to hear them pray. I love to have them randomly hug me..I love to hear them play with their animals..and oh how I love to hear them laugh!!
Lord thank You for my daughters...help them Lord to continue to seek after You with all their heart, soul, mind and strength..

You are faithful,

Bonnie

Lavish Dump Trucks

2011-11-08T21:36:00.005-05:00

Friday Tim and I were blessed with tickets for MSU Spartan basketball in the Breslin Center!!

I couldn't help get off my feet whenever some one slammed one!! Amazing!
Until the game, I had never heard of a jumbotron before. Have you?
Perfect form! What a jump shot! Love it!!
Sparty, the mascot of the Spartans. He made me laugh! We won too!
Next morning was football. MSU played Minnesota. This is State's QB, K. Cousins, and he is a dedicated believer and follower of Jesus Christ. After the game, players from both sides , went to the end zone and knelt in prayer. Pretty powerful scene..Yes, we beat Minnesota!

Tim says we didn't beat them but we won . Their defense was having a difficult time.
Somebody pinch me! Before the game, the players lock arms and walk the entire field. Tradition Doc says. I'm just thankful to be there and see it!
My friends Laura and Mrs. Doc- (Jan) as we were leaving the ritzy Spartan club...boy oh boy did they have food! We ate so well that day...Doc and Jan were the ones who showed me over 30 years ago that Jesus Christ was real. They loved me. Accepted me. And when I blew out my ACL in basketball, took me into their home, so I could finish my education. Jan took me to classes in the winter, me and my entire leg in a cast, in her dodge omni...but we did it. Doc also kind of had this young, handsome cowboy come and sit by me in one of my classes...his name was Tim...and now we are on the cusp of 27 years of marriage..

I love you Doc!

Thank you Lord for bringing this man and his wife and family into my life. My blood may be red but my heart and soul were forever changed by someone who dwells in the land of green and white!!

Thank You Lord for loving me through this special couple...You knew I needed them ..

Thank You for their family---how they loved me like one of their own, put up with me, ate with me, shared their lives with me and love me to this day..

You are amazing God and Your love is lavish--I felt like You backed up a dump truck of blessings this past weekend and piled them up on me!

You are faithful,

Bonnie

Exceeding Abundantly

2011-11-01T16:16:00.003-04:00

Beyond all that I ask or think. You, O God, say that is what you are able to do, according to the power that works within me..Ephesians 3:19,20

Ephesians is a hard study for me, because I need to break it down to be able to make it my daily bread--to be able to do that-- I have to be able to think..

Which is difficult lately. I don't know if it's menopause. Or not enough rest? I cannot use chemo brain any longer according to my oncologist. Rats..

I know..It's weariness. Exhaustion. Last Saturday am, I got up to go pray with my church family and it was good. I love prayer, especially with the saints of God...but I came home and directly went to bed. Stayed there til 2pm...felt a tad better..

The weariness is emotional--it sluffs off onto my physical demeanor--it's grief still..

2 years out is a long while since someone you love dies, passes, or goes to be with the Lord.

There's more than that too, but only Jesus and me need to discuss it. Especially here.

I was thinking on the way home today, both my daddy and my brother had recurrences of their cancer..will I? Since my past posting, I have had a suspicious lump checked..only to discover it is "tissue consistent with post mastectomy tissue." Whew is right...

Only You know Lord. I need to leave these kinds of thoughts with You because their weight is cumbersome and downright exhausting to cart hither and yon.

It would be "easier" to process (I think) if I could sit in a quiet place, have a clean home, dinner made waiting for me and oh, let's say the leaves all raked ..

But I process while I do life. While I rake. While I hunt for Bambi's cousin, twice removed..While I cook dinner. As my eyeballs take in pictures of his family on my frig--or consider my brother in the very presence of the King of King and Lord of Lords...

These moments are not burdens, it's just how it is. Grief is like that--coming in waves, big or small, but coming. Always washing up more memories on the shore of my heart..

Lord I reflect back on what I read this morning...how You can do exceeding abundantly beyond all I ask or think---and it's not according to my power but Yours...

thank You..

And You say too that power is "within me."

Even if I do not FEEL it, this power enables me to continue to "do" life to and for You Jesus.

Even when I hurt deep inside and no one but You knows. Even when I miss my sibling so--even when I long to hear my daddy's voice--even when most would wonder why I am still "like this" or "haven't gotten over it yet." I am on God's timetable, not the worlds thank goodness...

To You be the glory Lord. To You.

Thank You for loving me and being my very present help...

Your daughter,

Bonnie

never stop loving..♥♥

2011-10-24T11:42:00.003-04:00

Hey Guys! This is Rachel,Mom asked me to upload these pics for her so here they are! =-)

Yesterday Teresa and I did this new pumpkin carving thing where you have a stencil and you tape it on the pumpkin and then poke the out line of the picture with ...something pokey! =-) Anyway Teresa did Lucy our VERY hyper Golden Retriever and I did Jack out very sweet laid back mix breed. Needless to say I think they turned out pretty well Teresa and I wanted to do something new other then the goofy faces we usually do this time of year.

People rate now this time of year are getting there costumes ready for Halloween and buying candy so they aren't in trouble when the neighbor kids show up and they have nothing for them.. Me this time of year I don't worry or even think about all that I think about Gods tremendous love for us. God made the world for US!! And right now with the BEAUTIFUL leaves falling from the trees and the brilliant colors on the trees (the reds are my fav.) You have to stop and wonder how BIG is the God who made all this beauty?, how BIG is this God who made and loves you. Well let me tell you people He is HUGE! Yet no matter how BIG He is He will NEVER stop loving you! He tells us that in Romans 8:38-39.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I hope you have a wonderful fall after noon and between the time when you're getting you costume ready or buying candy for the trick or treaters think about Gods love..

signing off

Rachel

Rainy days

2011-10-14T21:05:00.002-04:00

Please do not get me wrong. Or misinterpret. Or get your nose bent out of joint...

I do not like seeing breast cancer awareness month on cat food, toilet paper or yogurt!

It's a marketing gimmic to get you to buy more of their product. Yes, they donate to who ever. Yes that is nice. But toilet paper??? Really???? Goodness. I like it when football teams wear pink--which makes me smile to think of---and other teams or organizations wearing pink--even our airline attendants donned pink ties or sweater... To me, that shouts "I support you!"

Toilet paper does not.

Ok. I'm done now. I did do a blurb for a local radio station this week. Got to sit in a real, live radio station and fumble for words as to why other women should get mammograms. Dummy me, thought I'd be reading a script or something...nope. After 5 or 6 tries, the gal who had me come in(who is also a breast cancer survivor) smiled nicely and told me "she thought she had enough."

I know radio is not my forte.

I curled up in my afghan this afternoon...I wanted to cry but slept instead.

One of those days I guess. I tried to count my blessings. I felt yucky. Weary.

My U.P. girl calls. Tells me about her bronchitis. Poor Hannah...I want to mother but cannot do so well without sight--eyes that see her, and arms to give her a hug and tuck her in. I must let You do that Lord. Will You?

I am busting with pride because she is relying on You. I could not be more pleased. I used to measure my children's success by the world's standards--and doggone it--there is nothing wrong with wanting this either! BUT--to live by faith, believing God is in the daily drudgery and grind and that He cares and wants to provide grace and mercy...that to me, is a greater success.

Why? Because money does not bring happiness. It buys stuff. The love of it, leads to evil Scripture states.

If I know my children will choose to walk by faith, to trust God when life is good and even more when life is hard---well, to this breast cancer survivor, that is "success."

Thank You Lord God for my children. Thank You that I am here, this day, to witness their growth and their accomplishments. I am grateful and humbled to be able to.

He is faithful,

Bonnie

P.S. Go to Hannah's blog www.achinglytransparent.blogspot.com be blessed...

How'd it go??

2011-10-05T08:58:00.005-04:00

Laguna Beach California....

Joy--true joy--

Is not based, dependent or indicative of our circumstances. The knife show is a perfect example of living either as faith filled people, trusting God in all things(in this case, no sales) or fearful people, questioning God in all things.

I drove all the way down to the Pacific ocean Sunday..I could bear it no longer--sand, waves, seals and shells were waiting for ME!!! I was a little nervous about driving in all the traffic alone, but I wasn't really alone..I had the Lord Himself with me, my Constant Companion.

The sand and surf caressed by toes, my feet, the sounds soothed my soul..here we came to CA, confident we would do "well"---

by the world's standards, we bombed because we did not sell a single thing.

But in Your economy of faith and joy Lord, we did "well" because once more, we are in a situation we do not understand, but still we trust You in it. Thankful, for our incredible adventure, just the two of us. We affirmed our complete trust in You each morning before we climbed out of our king sized bed..

That is "doing well."

When I arrive in Heaven God is not going to assess me based on how many knives I sold at a knife show.

He is not going to check my ROTH IRAs or my checking account balance or see if I had a shiny new car I drove to church to worship Him..and He is not going to ask me if my house was clean or the woodpile neatly stacked!!

I love Habakkuk 3: 17-19

"Though the fig tree should not blossom, and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail, and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls,

YET

I will exult in the LORD,

I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.

The LORD God is my strength, and He has made my feet like hinds' feet, and makes

me walk on

high

places."

Like my devotional said this morning, "Remember that joy is not dependent on your circumstances."

Amen and amen..

He is faithful,

Bonnie

Be still

2011-09-25T23:17:00.005-04:00

Breezes prickled my skin into goosebumps. Eyes weary from birthing and bleeding, cast furtive looks at the stars..My body jiggled and the guys got me into the ambulance..my body oozed out way too much blood -shock had set in and I desperately needed IV fluids..***

Now we knew what that door was meant for--the one in our bedroom, dropping off into the front yard. Only place a gurney would fit through--and we were grateful, my husband and I.

"Be still and know that I am God." Words gently, powerfully, tenderly applied to my mind, my heart, my mommy's soul. I heard them, in that still, small voice, spoken just for me. I actually did-- while I got jostled and bumped across my front yard. I knew the Spirit of God had spoken.
Be still and know that I am God..

Fast forward 7 years and I heard once more, that voice-- the One Who breathed life into my hopeless estate-- because I needed to hear it--cancer had come to my breasts--my body--the very vessel You used to bear children, under assault..cells dividing amuck. Fear strangled the life out of my soul..

And

You spoke again. This time, vividly I heard, "You are loved with an everlasting love." Hope grew like a sprout, but it grew. Oh it did..

My baby girl, the one birthed on that cool September night, when God spoke to her momma, is now 12.

I watched her eyes when she blew out the candles, sputtering over the entire 13x9 cake, and my mind whirred with consequent candles, cheeks puffed out from blowing..

Poof. Fast. Memories are squiggly things. Seems to my mommy's heart, they shift a tad. Some sear deep, sealing in hope--like bearing down hard, feeling your daughter pass through, having an ambulance ride to the hospital because a tiny piece of your placenta was sheered off during birth, feeling the blood seep out of your body and shock not caring really, that something monumental occurred.

Trauma did heal. Wounds did close. Blood remade itself. I marvel how that season, that fall, God spoke to me..I received a daughter and words from my Father in Heaven.

I look into my daughter's eyes, see her smile, I remember how good God is. Faithful.

Healing. Tender. Thank You Lord God for birthdays..

He is faithful,

Bonnie

***I did birth at home. Dr's said the same condition would have taken place there or a hospital.

1 in 13,000 women have placenta accreta; the placenta grows into the uterine wall (in my case clear through) resulting in severe hemorrhaging when it passes after the birth because it rips a hole in the uterus. I'm thankful it happened after my daughter was born and not during...I got great care at home and great care at the hospital. Not the turnout I had planned, but I would advocate for home birth again and again. If you don't get it, that's ok. You can still be my blogger friend....(smile)

Book of face

2011-09-18T23:39:00.004-04:00

I think that face book has scared me actually. I've been burned by it and I really do not want to spend sordid amounts of time on it. People do.

I've read people whining, complaining, name calling and using rotten, filthy language. And-- if you do not like someone or just rather not deal with them anymore, you can, with the click of a button, make them go away. Or you can block people, which I think is really mean--but you won't know it, which I guess makes it a little less mean? Oh brother.

BUT

I've also seen people encourage one another. I've seen great comments and funny photos and seen all these posts used for GOOD.

It's another Biblical principle coming to light:

What is in your heart comes out on your face.(or your keyboard) Which is ironic that face book isn't aptly named HEART book. Not always, but most posts reflect back into the heart of those who ticked away on their keyboards.

Proverbs speaks much of faces and hearts.

I like this one:

"A joyful heart makes a cheerful face,

but when the heart is sad, the spirit is broken." 15:13

"The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer,

but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things." 15:28

Finally

"Anxiety in the heart of a man, weighs it down but a good word makes it glad." 12:25

I jumped into a new world tonight. My daughters giggled next to me, "No mommy, not that button, THAT one!"

Hannah helped me via phone. You know you can actually talk to someone these days? Like hear their voice? It's like a chat with the voice added for effect.

You might want to try it some time!!

He is faithful,

Bonnie

Friends...walking the Mighty Mac!!

2011-09-07T20:16:00.004-04:00

5 miles with friends went fast. Tim stayed back in the motor home, guarding the hot dogs, nursing a sore foot. We walked, visited, laughed, stared, and enjoyed ourselves tremendously!

We were treated to a double rainbow, with beams of sunlight stretching out like hubs of a wagon wheel--the rainbow was the rim--absolutely amazing!!

I love our friends J and C. They have known us since Tim stood in line, hiring in at Kellogg's years ago. J was next to Tim because his last name was close to Z. They have been fast friends ever since. They have watch our babies grow into big kids for 22 years...

When we moved up here, they came and brought their motor home, packed with goodies, and the day of the bridge walk--- parked downtown to make the end of the walk more fun. Hot dogs at 9:30 am!! YUMMY!!

Babies have grown, strollers are no longer needed. No more piggy back rides to the next light post, saving small legs from wearing out. No more potty stop anxiety moments!! (there are no pottys on the bridge)

I was gently reminded when I started out for this Labor Day bridge walk, how precious this walk has become. It isn't really about the crossing the bridge--it's about accomplishing those 5 miles with people you care about and are grateful to God for.

I am joyously grateful for loyal, funny, scrabble playin', motor home drivin', squeezy cheese bringin', friends!!

Thank You Lord---

Bonnie

Cling to Jesus

2011-08-25T11:56:00.002-04:00

Here is a short clip magnifying grace in painful, hard, day in day out, circumstances.

I pray it blesses you where you are today--God's grace is sufficient people!!

Trust in Him at all times, God is a refuge for us..

Click here:http://vimeo.com/11560198

He loved me through it..

2011-08-24T22:40:00.002-04:00

Martina McBride - I'm Gonna Love You Through It: Eleven

Someone shared amazing song(just click on the orange words) with Tim on facebook...grab the kleenex!

I wept..God has walked through much with my family..

Even though it's years later I am aching to live gratefully and wanted to say

thank you, each of you, from my family; my brother, sister n laws, nieces and nephews, moms, cousins, children, uncles and aunts, friends...

I am blessed deeply.

But to you sweetheart, you loved me through it and still do..

The Lord did as well--and I know you relied on Him through it---

Loving you,

Bonnie

Enough

2011-08-18T15:42:00.003-04:00

Is God enough?

Does He "have" what I need today?

This moment?

He says He "gives strength to the weary and to those who lack might He increase power."

Yes, He is enough.

The trouble is me willing to believe it.

Last night I had a meltdown...

Too many thoughts in my head...I chose to dig past offenses up, and like what I see in my compost bin..and it stunk up everything else!!

Words became barbed weapons, lunged out in sheer anger, to maim my loved ones..

Cupboard doors slammed.

I filled up my journal with verbose, not so nice words, that I'm thinking maybe I should rip out??

Sleep was not.

Today I realized again that:

Faith is the catalyst for belief.

Faith requires God's Word to be infused into my mind..

"So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the Word of Christ." Romans 10:17

Bottom bloggy line is this: If I am not in God's Word, I am staving off my ability to believe it.

A crusty heart's scab gets softened from reading, absorbing and believing the Living, Breathing, Word of God..

THEN

Words become healing balms--

memories of pain filled moments become washed by grace--

cupboard doors get cleaned, not slammed--

I understand a tad more yes, God IS enough.

I will never, ever forget asking a girlfriend of mine, battling between obedience and not believing --

if God was enough.

Her eyes darkened, soul stiff..

lips pursed the word,

"No."

I've lived no.

God today, right now,

help me

to say

yes,

You

are

enough.

Why should I?

This is why:

"Your grace is sufficient for me, for Your power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I may boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
II Corinthians 12:9

Resting in His faithfulness--

Bonnie

My God Answers Prayer

2011-08-15T19:03:00.003-04:00

34 1/4", 13 pounds of Lake Trout from Lake Michigan this morning!!! FISH ON!!!

I almost stayed in bed this morning...a dear, dear man from our church had invited Tim fishing out on the lake yesterday. Tim mentioned how much I would enjoy the experience..
The dramamine was doing it's darndest to turn me into a zombie, but after a fun excursion to the "head" to empty my bladder, I felt better.
Nothing was happening. I spoke outloud, "Lord God, please send us some fish.." and I would have been ok if we had nothing, but this guy was trying SO hard to make it memorable you know?
Then I saw the tip of the rod jiggle, like crazy and said, "Hey, guys, there's a fish on !"
Tim took that one.
Nice 17 inch salmon. The fun begins. Net, gloves, pliers, all in places they had to be dug out of or found or caught on some thing. It was comical to me. I carefully rubbed my forefinger along the edge of the fish's mouth to feel it's teeth.. they were sharp. Guess I should've expected that but I had to do it.

Then our guide's rod starts dipping up and down and wow whee, I say again, "Guys, there's a fish on this too!!"
Dan takes the rod and starts his battle, struggle, epic whatever you call it, and he kept saying,
"I think it's a log. Or maybe a piece of junk. It doesn't feel like a fish."

I'm thinking, "WHAT?? It's a f-i-s-h!!!"

Finally after 20 epic minutes, we saw this silver flash coming to the surface. For a second, I thought maybe it was a piece of junk like a road sign--- how crazy is that--but our eyes beheld a ginormous, huge fish!!!!

I quickly discovered that these Guys don't get excited but I'm yelling, WOW WHEE, WOO HOO, FISH ON..!!!!!!!!!
they just started their net dance and landed the monster.
I'm pumpin my arms, doing a little fishy victory dance and overall, pretty excited!! :-)

The nifty line to this story is that we got it measured in the cleaning station(32" we thought), some guy told us it was illegal. That we could only keep lake trout between 20-25" and he understood (wink, wink), but the DNR lady was a real stickler for rules. Said if he lands those big ones, by the time they get to the surface, they're all played out, he releases them to be "legal" and then swings around and nabs them when they go belly up.

Talk about deflated. We'd taken pictures. Made phone calls.
Now we're illegal??
Gee whiz...
Then I said out loud, "Why would God answer a prayer with an illegal fish??"
We kept it in the cooler and headed home. What else were we supposed to do?
On the way ,Tim and I grabbed a copy of the regs.
It said "The minimum size limit for lake trout shall be 20" and the maximum size limit shall be 25"
except that the daily possession limit may include no more than one (1) lake trout 34" or greater."
Well the guy at the station didn't mention this little tidbit of info---

We measured it at home. With a measuring tape, and no, we didn't cheat. Honest!
Length, 34 1/4"!!!!

So I guess the morale to the story is: when you ask God for something, do not doubt His provision!!

"But let him ask in faith without any doubting, for the one who doubts is like the surf of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man expect anything from the Lord, being a double minded man, unstable in all his ways, but let the brother of humble circumstances glory is his high position

and let the rich man glory in his humiliation, because like flowering grass, he will pass away."

James 1:6-9

Fish on!!

Bonnie

The River

2011-07-28T11:06:00.005-04:00

Holy Water. Fly fisherman dubbed this section of the Ausable river "holy water" because of it's fish--brook, brown and rainbow trout and I'm guessing because of the river; many places on the river hold those prized fish--snags, riffles, eddies and bubble lines--and it's addictive to try to figure out what fly to tie on your tippet, to mimic the trout's current diet...the place is gorgeous, the water about 62 degrees, birds dance above you ingesting insects hatching off the river and the sun bathes your shoulders in comforting warmth...
From Sunday night to Tuesday afternoon, I was able to experience all this..Holy Water for me became holy because of the presence of God. I am not being all weird and mystical here but I could truly sense God's calming, powerful, healing presence as I waded-- casting after those elusive fish..

No I did not "catch" one. I did gain more of God's peace and joy, which is better than any fish I'd have to throw back . This section of the river is strictly catch and release--they even squish down the barb on the hook so the fish isn't hurt. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I grew up eating what I caught...

For me, it was not about landing a trout. That would have been the proverbial icing on the cake.

But I was surrounded by creation, God's creation. I felt the strength of the current in between my legs. I touched the water to cool off. I gained such a confidence in my casting and I even learned how to tie on a fly, so when I'm home, I can do it by myself!!!

For me, standing in the water, feeling the wind, watching the line dance on top of the water and observing it all---was holy because God was there with me.

I left refreshed. I felt connected to my Lord more. I talked to Him the entire time I was on the water, in the river...I worshiped Him...I thanked Him for Who He is.

For what He has done.

For what He is going to do.

I prayed for my family--all of my family, every single one of you out there who read this blog and those who don't...I love each of you very, very much. That is not a lie. It is TRUTH!!

For those of you who may be cancer survivors, you really, really need to check this group out!!!

It is called Reeling and Healing. It is a non profit organization with people who love to fish, but love to help women like me, heal. There is something amazing that happens when you step out and try something new and crazy like fly fishing and you do it with women like you who have suffered from cancer...

go to www.reelingandhealingmidwest.org to check it out.

You will be pampered, loved on, served continually, meet women like yourself and learn a new, fun exciting skill--

even more than all that, you will be able to step into the water, feel the current, see God's beauty and begin healing...

Thank You Lord for meeting me on the river...

You are amazing.

Thank You that You are the Ultimate Healer and You use Your creation to bring my heart hope and joy..

Bonnie

Home sick

2011-07-21T17:27:00.002-04:00

Coughing. Fevers. Chills. Medicine.

My family putting together a beautiful 16th birthday dinner for my Rachel, as I languish in bed--who could ask for anything more?

She has grown so Lord..please help her see how much You love her...

Thank you to all who shared God's treasures from His Word, with Rachel. She got a new scrapbook and I know all those cards are going in it!!

My list of gratitude swells. I may hit 1,000 by the end of summer, we'll see..

#619 God's mercy when I deserve death. See Eph. 2:1-8

#620 Breezes off of the lake on a scorching, blistering, hot day--glorious!

#621 Mom sitting next to me, reading the Word.

#622 Good, healthy lunches provided by You Lord, from my cleaning jobs this summer.

#623 Nathan's smile and his funny affection for Zippy, the guinea pig.

#624 Tim playing his banjo along with a computerized canned band-- and a Winnie the Pooh theme song, in my kitchen.

#625 Funny, odd, yet compassionate. Drs.

I scrawled this in my journal at the beach yesterday. Thank You Lord for breakthroughs..

"I am homesick Lord. Sick for Heaven, a place beyond human ability to grasp. I ache to see my brother's smile for real, and feel his strong arms around me.

I ache to see YOU Lord. To hear I pray, "Well done, thy good and faithful servant."

Psalm 42:1 says, "As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for Thee O God."

That desperation I sense from this verse, has been coming out in me lately as restlessness. I compare what others have,

drive, live in, yards, bathroom floors, refrigerators, garages, nice looking woodpiles--clean windows..

A table that doesn't wiggle when you sit at it--all those THINGS tell me, like a soul barometer,

I am looking to these objects for my desires, the desperation, to be filled---if only they were mine or the way I wanted, then I'd be content. Full. Happy.

It's YOU GOD. YOU I NEED.

PLEASE help me--pry from my fingers, those tendrils curling around my heart--and allow me to experience

and KNOW

You

are

enough.

You are more than I need..

I've been getting up early, armed with my Bible and my journal. But then I sweep the mudroom floor. Gotta get those drifting bunches of dog hair you know, before the kids track it clear back to their bedrooms...

If I grab the broom to do that, then it's over.

My time with the King of the Universe, squandered for clean, dog hair less mudrooms..

Create in me a desperate thirst Lord.

The panting deer most likely didn't go straighten up it's deer-ish bungalow--it was panting, longing after that water to satisfy it's thirst..to bring life quickly in gulpish slurping.."

Jesus answered and said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water shall thirst again; but whoever drinks of this water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.

John 4:13, 14

Now on the last day, the great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried out, "If any man is thirsty, let Him come to Me and drink. He who believes in Me, as the Scriptures said, "From his innermost being shall flow rivers of living water."

John 7: 37, 38

Now before you come to the conclusion I am against cleaning or being a good steward of your stuff. Halt.

I am not.

But what I am trying to explain, is that I have let all those items suffocate my ability to know and believe what(Who) truly satisfies--

Jesus.

Thank goodness for a week to contemplate, recover from sickness and have my two youngest at camp.

He is faithful,

Bonnie

In the bag

2011-07-15T22:38:00.006-04:00

I almost hit her--some lady, crossing the street this morning....it seems her and I were on different planets. My planet had brakes thank goodness! I felt anger rising up in my throat and then my eyeballs saw it--Teresa's T shirt bag from a local salon! This lady was holding it in her hands!!!
My daughter was asked to design a tshirt for a fund raising event called "Beautiful Survivor." This local salon has donated their talent and resources to give as many women possible "make overs" after chemo, when their hair is long enough to do something to. I got one 3 years ago--I felt like a queen when I left!! The lady who owns the salon is a breast cancer survivor too..

This whole deal is a phenomenal program!

The exciting part of this story is that inside every bag, is a slip of paper with MY DAUGHTER'S story..

Here is what it says:

"My name is Teresa Zowada. Four years ago when I was 7, my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer. Because I was younger, I really didn't understand that my mom was so sick. I do know that it was Jesus, friends, family and prayers that got us through it.

I did the ribbon balloons different colors because there's not just pink (for breast cancer) ther are so many other different colors that represent other cancers, and tons of people going through really hard times.

It's awesome that people are raising money for cancer patients!"

__________________________________________________

The night they had their fund raiser, Teresa got a free shirt. She was introduced to the crowd by the sweet woman who owns the salon. I held the sobs in my throat..

oh cancer truly does hit every, single person in the entire family doesn't it?

Now at first, Teresa was embarrassed, because she had this detailed, amazing picture she first submitted...but it was too complex for a tshirt. She submitted her second design, with the balloons, which were individually differing colors to represent different cancers. Then the balloons were changed by the color of the shirt itself--and when I looked in the salon's window today, after I passed by the lady with the bag, my eyes took in all those shirts--- beautiful lavender, blue, lime green and of course, pink..

Jesus. That name that is above every name...

The woman today, held that name, in her little brown bag..

Jesus.

My daughter had written her little story and highlighted the name of Jesus..

When it got printed out, it was in bold type..

I needed that this morning..

My day was "going poorly" until I saw the little brown bag.

Until I breathed the name JESUS.

My attitude softened.

My heart crumpled in humility before Him...

Jesus knows my heart like no Other.

Thank You Lord for reminding me this morning, that Your name is

precious,

sweet,

powerful,

refreshing,

renewing

and

mighty...

You are faithful,

Bonnie

My Converse Cowboy and bike rides

2011-06-22T22:32:00.009-04:00

My cowboy wanted converse all stars for Father's Day. They look good with my new color, "The One That Got Away" by OPI. Dear girlfriends got me my first ever pedicure. Wow was that fun! And I got new flip flops as a gift, just to show those toes off!
We made it!!! Last Saturday, our entire family rode in the 9th Pink Ribbon Bike Ride in Boyne City!

Memories were made, muscles were taxed and money raised--all for women in this area to utilize for the financial needs having breast cancer creates.

Hannah and I did the 20 mile course. This girl is FAST! She sped up all the hills. I caught her on the down side because my bike has better bearings than hers!
My precious momma and her backyard grandkids...
My cowboy with his converse! See!! I am blessed beyond measure Lord..thank You..

The love of my life..you provide more than money and a place to live..you give me love, unconditionally. You sacrifice your time and resources for me. YOur arms hold me in the tempest of tears and whys..God has grown you darling. I can see it. One of the many things I love about you is that you are who you are at home, at church, on the phone, in your shop.

You are the genuine article--and I am grateful God has chosen you for me...for our children..

You are the best Dad for them ever..

I love you,

Bonnie

Heart Aches

2011-06-21T20:44:00.005-04:00

Giving thanks is only this: making the canyon of pain into a megaphone to proclaim the ultimate goodness of God.

From A Holy Experience, by Ann Voskamp, blog for 6/21/11

I made it through the bike ride without crying. The focus was on raising monies for local women who have breast cancer, but it shifts in my brain to my brother. How he's not here.

And I am.

Father's Day comes and I cringe, not because my daddy died of cancer too, but for others I love and care for, experiencing pain and heartache because their Dad is gone.

And I am here.

I am certain if we were given the opportunity to drive our own lives, we would pass by suffering like it was a car going under the speed limit on a freeway. It would appear to be standing still and we would get to pass it by. Pain? No. Only a mere glance and it's gone.

One thing I know is this: God's character does not change. He is time-less. He is here now, and was there then and will be there-someday. He always is.

It is in this simple declaration that I live from day to day: God is good, God is faithful and He loves me. I spoke those words to about 500 people the day we celebrated my brother's life. I believed them and I still do.

I do not feel guilt because I am here on this earth. I am learning more of Heaven from a book I am reading by Randy Alcorn, and my sibling is in a place that lacks words to describe. I want him back, but after reading about Heaven, wow whee...

I ache when my eyes see mom, sitting in the HOPE garden. How she waits and longs for You Lord. I cannot fathom standing by my beloved's casket and then decades later, my child's--a son's casket. Should a mother bury her son? If I were God, the answer would be no. Yet God heaped all the world's sin upon His Son..

Thankfully----

I am NOT God. I believe that in suffering, when I decide how God should have acted or did not act, I am forfeiting thankfulness.

I am saying I know better than He.

I am foolishly declaring my own god-ness and neglecting His deity, His character and His workings.

I am saying that I will praise Him when life is good and fun and happy but this kind of pain God?

Losing a brother and a daddy to cancer, and surviving it my self and wondering why?

I will say it again and again on this blog. I do not understand God's ways.

But I love Him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.

In the crucible of suffering, I can emerge as a bitter cast of a human, filled with resentment and bickering----thinking God owes me big time.

or I can submit to the pain and let Him mold me and allow His Spirit fill me with joy and peace.

I am here Lord. It hurts Jesus.. My heart aches deeply...

I need more of You Jesus.

Fill me up Holy Spirit..

You are faithful,

Bonnie

There is still time!

2011-06-16T23:17:00.002-04:00

Here is the link to the site for donations...for the Pink Ribbon Bike Ride this Saturday.

if you want to give that is.

http://www.active.com/donate/nmprr2011

So far Tim, myself, Teresa, Rachel and Hannah are pedaling with a purpose!!

If you don't, no biggie, honest.

You are loved with an everlasting love dear one,

and underneath you, are the everlasting arms,

Bonnie

500th on my list of thing I'm grateful for

2011-06-15T11:57:00.002-04:00

#500: my husband finding the source of the slow leak on suburban's tire and fixing it.

#501: sitting on my swing with mom

#502: sunburned noses

#503: walks with my children--they notice everything!
#504: hard, but good, talks

#505: long bike rides on cool mornings

#506: smells like Heaven on my bike ride--sumptuous

#507: sound of gravel and rocks under my bike tires as I hit the driveway

#508: good night's sleep

#509: cleaning out Mom's car after she let us borrow it for our nephew's graduation downstate

#510: excellent, God honoring, Word preaching, sermons

#511: VW rides into town; a little girl dancing up and down pointing at my car, then giggling with joy when I "beeped" at her.

#512: going over my cancer history with a survivor "navigator" and sensing God's peace all over me as I saw words like grade 3, tumor, lymph node involvement, size of tumor, adriamycin, taxol, genetic history, and muga scan...

#513: forgiveness

#514: great haircuts!

#515: husband in my VW bug taking up the entire front seat!

#516: piano girl who looks across the room for my eyes, meets mine and bows, before her performance.

#517: hoses: even if they drive me crazy!

I was hot last night...my list of gratitude didn't soften my anger as I stormed around the yard, mad about another list..

a list of things not done yet.

Do you have those kinds of lists?

Do they get to you like they do me?

I mean, I can't put up fence for the horses. I would if I could, but I do not possess the know how.

The bare, dirt pasture is a great conduit for erosion...so my yard, the nicest part of it, is now buried in about 4 inches of sand and horse poop..

Do you know how hard it is to rake up that kind of stuff?

Hard.

But it is harder to live with a mommy who is mad.

It is not fun to sleep in the same bed with a wife who wants her husband to somehow sprout a superhero cape and do it ALL.

Never mind work and making money to provide...

This morning I bask in the Word. On my swing.

The same wood that held my brother a few summers back..

And it washes away the dirt of my heart...

I read this: "I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,

and in His Word I hope;

my soul waits for the LORD,

more than watchmen wait for the morning,

more than watchmen wait for the morning."

Psalm 130:5

Bottom line is that I need to wait on God. I do not mean He will get the pasture put in while we sleep tonight...

I mean that while I wait I am changed from an impatient, huffing, storming woman,

to a tender, yes I can wait Lord, woman.

If you are waiting for some thing, some one, remember ultimately you are waiting on God.

He is faithful and He knows exactly what you need.

He is faithful,

Bonnie

Pink Ribbon Bike Ride time..

2011-06-09T11:36:00.009-04:00

Three years ago. We did 42 miles together then. Wow whee!

I love riding my fancy Bleriot bike (Rivendell from CA), even if it is just around here. I marvel when I see green everywhere. I enjoy feeling the wind and sun on my skin. This morning it was nippy, 58 degrees, so I bundled up and began cycling and praying..

After I put on the armor of God, straight from Ephesians 6, I began going through my list..I pray aloud, BY NAME for my family here and downstate--- today I asked God to bless them as they prepare for big things and celebrate special times.

I am finding out, gently, that praying isn't so much about getting what's on my list as it is

spending time with my Lord, talking to Him.

I am realizing too, that when I ask Him for something so tender to my heart, that I can trust Him. I can. I do.
If I place my trust in the person or the circumstance, disappointment will ensue, or crash down, depending on my interpretation or my estrogenic moods..

Why is it as people, we are so prone to make even prayer to God, about US?

Prayer is about connecting with God, learning more of Who He is and what He can do. Prayer is hard, tearful, joyful work.

It is.

This chilly morning, I pedal my snazzy bike past fields, too close cars, barking, tied up dogs and heady lilac scents. 13.5 miles later, I am ready for my day..I get to go to my 6 month oncology appointment this afternoon. I needed to pray because going back in is hard. I like seeing everyone but it hurts my heart all at the same time. The smells send me back to my chemo chair. The sights take me back to my own bald head and my brother's bald head and my dad's bald head. I know Jesus will be with me--and Tim.

I am getting ready for the Pink Ribbon Bike Ride to be held at Boyne City, next weekend.

To learn about it, go to www.bike4breastcancer.org

I plan on riding 7 miles with my "youngers" and then 20 with my "olders."

If you want to give, send me a check, made out to Bike4BreastCancer

and you will be assisting local women get the help they desperately need.

Cancer diagnosis is a life changing event. Trust me, I've been on the receiving end of financial
"assistance" and takes a tremendous burden off.

Give if you can.

I know gas is high and groceries are too.

But knowing your dollars went to a woman needing help---isn't it awesome???

Biking and prayin'

Bonnie

Make check out to Bike4BreastCancer

Send to Bonnie Zowada

4509 E. Bear River Rd.

Boyne Falls, MI 49713

or if you give online, make sure you mention my name, so I get the dollars added to my support.

THANKS!!!

Half a century or is it 5 decades??

2011-05-29T19:25:00.007-04:00

My dear, dear, running walking friends from Battle Creek, held this little celebration in the van they came to Mt.Pleasant in!! (after we had lunch at a restaurant mind you!) As you can see, they outdid themselves! The cake was wonderful but the company was even sweeter. God has truly blessed me with Christlike, fun lovin', generous girlfriends!!! They sang like angels and gave me precious memories to take back home...I received a LIFE IS GOOD sticker and plopped it on my VW back window!!
I was able to go for a long bike ride, down by the bay, with the entire family! (that was part of my birthday wish--to see 12 wheels, 6 helmets (5 Nathan gave me his!) and all those smiles---the BEST PRESENT EVER!!! Tim also sent in my Bible to be rebound and recovered..THAT will be a gem when it comes back in about 3 weeks..that Bible has been through so many things with me, I couldn't even imagine getting a new one.

Other birthday blessings: having 59 people over, to surprise me. Oh wow...it was awesome! I blew out all 50 candles with one puff! Hot air I know..

Lots of people gave me plants to place in the HOPE garden. Thank You Lord...

I listened to my brother singing happy birthday to my mom and smiled. I know it wasn't meant for me, but I needed to hear his voice just the same. I am very grateful for todays' technology...

Other musings:

Been reading a book by Ann Voskamp entitled "One Thousand Gifts: a dare to live fully right where you are"

Her blog's button is on my page..you must go there. You must.

I love it when I come across a soul who tackles ugliness of soul.. and tenderly reveals to this soul

the choosing..will I trust in a good God or will I curse Him?

See?

"In this toxic air of the world, this atmosphere we inhale, burning up or lungs, this No, God?

No, God, we wont take what You give. No, God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess and I didn't sign up for this and You really thought I'd go for this? No, God, this is ugly and this is a mess and can't You get anything right and just haul all this pain out of here and I'll take it from here, thanks. And God? Thanks for nothing. Isn't this the human inheritance, the legacy of the Garden? " from one thousand gifts, page 14.

She quotes Henry Ward Beecher "Pride slays thanksgiving..A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves." Ann continues, "Dare I ask what I think I deserve? A life a material comfort? A life free of trials, all hardship,all suffering? A life with no discomfort, no inconveniences? Are there times that a sense of entitlement--expectations--is what inflates self, detonates anger, offends God, extinguishes joy?" from one thousand gifts, page, 177,178

I'm seeing me sprinkled through the pages of her book. Me in how i used to view trials and injustices of life, to me now, having had my breasts surgically removed from my chest, my body pumped full of chemotherapy and me, my chest, neck and armpit burned with rays of invisible, power filled radiation.

I did not want those things, the cancer, the threat to life itself...I did become closer, more intimate with God through it. I made my choice...

THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT OF THIS BLOG!!!

GOD IS WITH YOU in your trials.

He did not DO THIS TO YOU!

He is not like that...

Ann writes way better than I do. She has not suffered with cancer but her life has held many tragic things. Do I discount her and say I have suffered more? No. I read her words and am blessed, challenged, softened and emboldened to live more for God, not less.

I pray you will too.

I have an extra copy of her book.

Whoever responds first on my comments, I will gladly give it.

I tell you though, you will not be the same after you ingest her words..

He is faithful,

Bonnie

I Don't Belong(here) Heaven is my home

2011-05-20T21:45:00.004-04:00

Buddy Greene sings this song and it is one of my sweetheart's(mine too) favorites.

Here's the chorus:

I don't belong,

and I'm going someday-

home to my own native land.

I don't belong,

and it seems like I hear the sound of a welcome home band.

I don't belong I'm a foreigner here,

singing a sojourner's song.

I've always known this place ain't home and

I don't belong.

A cemetery is a place to remember this timeless truth: earth is not my home.

Heaven is.

The last stanza:

I belong.

To a kingdom of peace where only love is the law.

Where children believe and captives are free

and God becomes a baby on the straw.

Where dead men live and rich men give their kingdoms to buy back a song.

Where sinners like me become royalty

And we'll all belong.

The oak trees watched. Mosquitoes bit our legs. The spoon mom brought to dig with, served it's purpose. It felt odd digging for silk flowers though...we did need to make the ground able to hold them. I saw Mom's name, and Dad's. I tried to imagine seeing my beloved's name on a stone marker. I cannot. I have never claimed I could.

A bird sang, "Teeee---cher!" I got down on the ground and helped Mom get the flowers she picked out, just right.

It isn't so hard coming here anymore I thought..

I used to stand and bawl. And dread being there.

It's humbling to see your daddy's name on a grave.

It's more humbling to drive by where you spent all your growing up years. Memories soar; Dad and I planted red pine seedlings in that field, those trees in fact...Steve and I climbed all over the front yard apple trees, chucked their apples at cars (from behind the porch's walls) Sorry mom...

caught frogs by the scores in the pond...

Oh my...

it flew by so fast--even though I slowed mom's car down..

I want to remember tonight. I am first a Houck. Then by choice a Zowada.

I am thankful for my earthly home, for my daddy and my brother and my mom..

but heaven gives me hope.

only Jesus knows my heart now as i write..

thank You Lord for reminders that this terrestrial ball is not my home--

thank You for conquering death and the grave,

Bonnie

God is great!

2011-05-14T22:31:00.003-04:00

"I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.."

With "distinction," Phi Theta Kappa, All American Academic USA Today Team, home schooled, daughter on her college graduation night!!!
"My soul shall make it's boast in the LORD; the humble shall hear it and rejoice."

We are very, very proud of who you are Hannah girl!
"O magnify the LORD with me and let us exalt His name together." Psalm 34:1-3

My four crown jewels, all for You Lord, all for You. Grow them in your grace..may they honor You in all they do, in all they pursue in this life.. three generations praise Your name tonight.

Thank You Lord, thank You....

May 10, 2011

2011-05-11T04:37:00.005-04:00

Rocking in my grandma's creaky chair, holding a baby, 4 years ago today, I heard,

"Bonnie, it's cancer."

All I could muster was, "Oh wow..."

I read in my devotional this morning about trouble. I was admonished to cling to Him, savor His presence IN the trouble, knowing full well that He is able to help me...

All I could muster was "Hmmm...God are You preparing me for something?"

The answer to that question was, "Yep."

Hours later, I ended up in the emergency department, with pretty significant chest pain and this itchy, funny, full, painful feeling down my esophagus..I have asthma, so I took a couple puffs on my inhaler. Didn't help much. Tim was in town already running errands, so I had Rachel call mom and she took me in.

Mom can drive FAST when she needs to! I felt like a horrible mother, leaving behind Rachel and Teresa..Hannah was taking a final. Nathan was working at the hospital...later on after her final though, Hannah came home to love on her siblings..she's such a good big sis!!

I had in mind a long walk today...talking with God, praising Him for all He has done over the last few years..praising Him that I was still here, with my family, and thanking Him for Who He is..

I ended up with a "line" (IV) and the dreaded cocktail of benedryl(antihistamine)/decadron(steroid)/pepcid(to coat your tummy cuz steroids and tummies do not make a good mix)..

and it took me back to my chemo days..

Tim would smile at me as the nurse injected that same cocktail into my line and off I would drift into what some call sleep, but to me, it was like a trip into nothingness, trying desperately not to panic as you lose control of your ability to think...

Here I was again, only this time for some medical reason I did not know-you say you have chest pain in emergency and they scurry around, hooking you up to all these "leads" (wires).

I had an EKG, which was normal.

I had a cardiac enzymes sifted/sorted out in my blood, which were normal. No indication of a heart attack. That's good.

I had a painful IV.

Man, I hate IV's that hurt!!

Dr. #1 was kind, tender as he helped the very tan nurse who got to spend time in the Florida Keys( I asked..sigh...) but here I am, my breast-less chest exposed and I say, "I guess you can tell I had two mastectomies huh?"

They smiled and my medicine(humor) injected-- did it's trick on them..Dr's are people too I've found out over these last 4 years. Most of them truly do like people and are in it for your best outcome. Others have forgotten that their patients are people, with feelings and lives outside the hospital's walls.

I got my benedryl cocktail and off I went, on my "trip."

Nathan came in and the questions flew. He got harassed by a nurse. He and his Dad talked over me and I don't remember a thing.

I got two chest xrays--first one a flop. So she came back with her very expensive, yet highly portable xray machine and did it again. I asked her if they would not charge for the first one, since we are "self pay" patients and I tried real hard to sound "normal" but she just smiled and said no..so much for humor when you are on drugs.

Bottom line is Dr. # 2, who was all business and not very compassionate I thought--said he thinks the pain, the discomfort, was not due to the walnuts that I added to the scrumptious banana bread I made and ate just before experiencing all this chest discomfort---

BECAUSE

my tongue wasn't swollen, my throat wasn't swollen, I didn't "present" as an allergic rx.

He asked me if I had ever heard of chinese pinenuts?

I'm thinking to myself "Is this guy for real?"

No.

Because if the walnuts are from China, they might be poison, like the pine nuts.

Where did I get them?

A local store, in the bulk department.

Where were they from?
I don't know--- they were from the bulk department, and I really, really wanted to spell it for him,

you know, B-U-L-K.

Oh, well I may need to check into it later.

Yeah, ok.

But I wasn't vomiting like I would if it were poison pine nuts, so maybe it's a moot point.

Oh my...

He thinks it's my esophagus and started telling me that I must've had a hard time swallowing?

No.

I must've had pain all the way down--ever choke on a big piece of meat?

No.

Ever had something get stuck and choke it back up?

No. ( this guy is ticking through his list isnt' he?)

A bunch more leading questions and his bottom line is he didn't think the chest pain was cardiac related which is good.

He thinks my esophagus needs a look see= endoscopy. Maybe the pain was due to the esophagus constricting or spasming. (b/c or not b/c of the walnuts)

I find myself shutting down, which is easy to do when you're tripping on a benedryl cocktail, because the last thing I wanted to do today was

be in the hospital---

leave my daughters with fear in their eyes--

see the concern in my husband's eyes--

be on nasty steroids for the next few days--

not know if I'm now suddenly allergic to walnuts??--

be in debt to the hospital again--

Psalm 46:10 states: Be still and know that I am God.

I used to think that verse meant that I could just sit still and be ok. You know, like rest, sit still, with a tall glass of iced tea and read a magazine, still.

Nope.

4 years later, since I heard those words, "Bonnie, it's cancer,"

Being still means that no matter what your day holds, no matter what your trouble looks like, no matter how severe your situation,

I can be still in my spirit, in my innermost being,

and know,

He is

God.

I'm not alone either.

I know lots of my sister's in Christ presently battling horrible, terrible things, and they shine with the stillness of knowing God is God.

I can see it and almost feel it when I am around them.

I got home and gather my precious daughters around me in the kitchen...they think I'm hysterically funny when I'm on this benedryl combo--but they cling to me and i knew in my momma's heart they were wondering..

Another aspect of suffering in this world is that people are watching. My children are watching me.

ER Doc are watching. Nurses. Techs.

Friends.

Family.

My ability to connect with God in trials, troubles and pain, can show others God is God.

It's ok to be scared, but do you see God?

He's here.

He loves me.

And He knows my heart.

He loves you too dear one.

It's 5:30 am. I'm not tired. (steroids)

I really want a piece of that yummy banana bread but I think I'll pass and go for a hunk of homemade whole wheat bread as a substitute.

Please pray my primary care Dr will have God's wisdom as we sort out all these symptoms and decide whether or not I truly need to swallow down a tube with a tiny camera on the end...

Sorry God...

thinking about that before it comes, if it comes, is not being still..

You are faithful Lord,

Bonnie

Happy Birthday Brother

2011-05-05T21:22:00.001-04:00

The day of your life's celebration, this song came on the radio in Mom's little blue Binga mobile. On M-66. A sister's heart and a mother's heart torn with anguish..yet we knew this song was God's gift to our crushed, splayed open hearts..

The year before, I had made a german chocolate cake for your birthday and sent down some man sized pieces just for you!

Your response cracked me up "That was a great cake, I wish u could send me a whole cake.. Love you."

A few weeks later, I did! Your response?

"u r a good cook and a great sister."

Thank you Steve for saying that. You are such an encouragement to my heart. I say ARE because I believe with all my heart, you are able to witness life here on earth. I also believe you are able to pray for those you care about. I believe you are still very much alive, but not here. Heaven is your new home.

What do you see now I wonder? Could you see your mother today, walking up and down our driveway? Could you hear her cries, her prayers? Did you see her pause and look for life sprouting in your HOPE garden? Did you see my daughter push back her chair from the school work and hug me as I witnessed it?

Did you hear me sing Happy Birthday?

Oh Jesus, help me...help me believe what You have promised.

Be with Steve's family and cover them with Your wings tonight..bless them Lord God.

I miss you Brother-HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Thank you for loving me,

Your sister always---

Bon

Let us show gratitude..

2011-05-01T22:06:00.002-04:00

Found this amazing verse a few days ago.

"Therefore, since we receive a kingdom which cannot be shaken, let us show gratitude, by which we may offer to God an acceptable service with reverence and awe;

for our God is a consuming fire." Hebrews 12: 28,29

Show gratitude...

I am on a mission to recored 1,000 "things" I'm thankful for..

I try my best to record 7 a day --which adds up fast mind you--and it is catching on like wild fire in my home--I got our children, big and middles, notebooks for Easter to recored theirs as well--and they are doing it!!!!!!! Thank You Lord....

Oh Father God, create in my children's hearts a gratitude so they will serve you with reverence and awe...

(190) The Body of Christ.

(191) Babies in the womb and out of the womb.

(192) my husband's generous but cautious spirit

(193) Answers to prayer..thank You Father...oh thank You...

(194)My young adults home safely.

(195) BBQ-ing

(196) True worship.

(197) My two youngers, raking my flower beds!

(198) Tim's hand getting better.

I love you Lord,

Bonnie

Why do we continue to hurt each other?

2011-04-26T13:39:00.005-04:00

I can only answer for myself.
Pride.

Revenge.

Bitterness..

A wounded, wincing heart, afraid to trust again..

Pain.

I have been reading from the blog A Holy Experience for the last two months. It is like an absorbing, curative balm; --this woman's words challenge me, encourage me and press my aching heart towards my Heavenly Father..it is not always easy to read because I see where I need to let God wriggle down into my heart's nooks and crannies and

heal

me..

Someone told me a long, long time ago that hurt people, hurt people. So true. So very true.

Whether it's words or banishment from their lives, they inflict pain, because they themselves hurt terribly inside..

I do this to my husband. I hurt inside, I use words like a club. Or I banish him from me. To punish him. If you are a married woman, you know of what I speak.

Now we are alright, but for a season, our marriage was a tangled mess of pain.

Many tears, words of forgiveness, more tears and lots of prayer, helped overcome our bruises.

The key, however, was that one of us brought it out and offered forgiveness. One of us wanted it to get healthier, to be more like Jesus..

When I read Ann Voskamp's post today entitled "How hurting women can help each other heal"

I wanted to weep...I had to swallow the lump in my throat. Maybe it'll come out when I drive to town alone in a few minutes. It was

Powerful.

I offer to you, one of the writers Ann highlights today in "A Commitment of Words" from the post titled What Will We Do With Our Words?

It hit me to the core of my self.

I pray it will you as well.

A Commitment of Words

We commit to using our words to defend and heal, not to harm.

We will not gossip.

We will not belittle.

We will guard our sisters by always speaking the best about them, encouraging them into all God would have them to be, and offering grace instead of condemnation.

We will be loyal and loving, remembering that even if we disagree we still fight on the same side–never against each other.

We will use our words to build up not tear down, to bring hope and not hurt.

We offer our words as a powerful weapon to fight for each other on the side of all that is good, right, and true.

From the blog http://www.incourage.me, December 7, 2010 post

He is faithful,

Bonnie

He is Risen, just as He said!!!

2011-04-24T17:46:00.001-04:00

He is risen, just as He said!

I serve a God Who does what He says He will do!
I serve a God Who is ALIVE---He rose from the dead!

The tomb is empty dear one---now celebrate!!!

HE IS RISEN,

Bonnie

Jesus was not a victim. He laid down His life for you

2011-04-23T15:51:00.002-04:00

"But God demonstrates His own love towards us, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8

"But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved)

and raised us up with Him in the heavenly places, in Christ Jesus...

FOR BY GRACE YOU HAVE BEEN SAVED THROUGH FAITH; AND THAT NOT OF YOURSELVES, IT IS A GIFT OF GOD; NOT AS A RESULT OF WORKS, THAT NO ONE SHOULD BOAST." Ephesians 2: 4-8

"When Jesus therefore had received the sour wine, He said,"IT IS FINISHED!" And He bowed His head, and gave up His spirit. John 19:30

My Jesus was not a victim. He chose to go to the cross for me, to bear my sin. The most pain filled words in the New Testament (to me) are when He cries, "MY GOD, MY GOD, WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?"

My Jesus...forsaken...totally cut off from God, His Father, because of the sin of the whole world, my sin, your sin too

being bore by Him.

Yes He went to the cross because He loved us, yet He HAD to go to be the sacrifice, the Passover lamb, slaughtered and laid open before Heaven's eyes..

I am not a theologian. So many blogs I read are so verbose, so beautifully put together, so articulate, so frequent...

All I know is this:

Jesus Christ changed my life.

Forever.

He died for my sin, for your sin and He

did

not

stay

the

tomb...

He is alive--He arose--and knowing Him as my Saviour makes all the difference in this journey called life. He is why I can grieve with HOPE as I remember my brother, because my brother loved Him too..I know that one day, when I breathe my last bit of oxygen on earth, I will take in my next new breath in Heaven

and I will

see

my Saviour's face

and my brothers..

That is HOPE dear one.

He loves you,

Passover time!!!!

2011-04-18T10:17:00.002-04:00

My socks were blessed right off my feet when I read of another family who celebrates a messianic passover!!!!

You can read about it here:

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/HolyExperience/~3/o6QbfX6xDVo/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email

You have got to remember the Hebrews were in captivity...Bondage...they could not just walk away from their slavery. Misery. Sores. Pain. Children birthed into hopelessness...

BUT:

God sent a Redeemer.

A Deliverer.

His name was Moses, one of the Hebrews, yet raised as a mighty leader.

I love how the text in Exodus states their plea and God's tender response:

"Now it came about in the course of those many days that the king of Egypt died. And the sons of Israel sighed because of the bondage, and they cried out; and their cry for help because of their bondage rose up to God.

So God heard their groaning; and God remembered His covenant with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

And God saw the sons of Israel, and God took notice of them." Exodus 2: 23-25

They cried out...

They sighed because of their bondage...

Their cry for help rose up to God...

He took notice of them...

We celebrate Passover for many, many reasons.

Years ago, we received great, Biblical teaching about it.

God's Word wriggled it's way down into our hearts..and it held fast.

This year will be our 20th year of celebration!!

The parallels are astounding; God delivered His people through Moses.

Today, we are delivered from our spiritual bondage, our darkness, by the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ, the Messiah.

John the Baptist called Jesus the "lamb of God Who takes away the sin of the world."

Jesus is our Passover Lamb. I Corinthians 5:7

Today is prep day. The girls and I will grind the kharoset, the mixture of honey, apples, walnuts, grape juice and cinnamon, which reminds us of mortar--the mix of mud and straw the Hebrews had to make bricks with...we will be busy, with joy as we anticipate sharing our experience and God's story with our precious friends. This will be the biggest group we've had since I've been diagnosed..

God is so amazing...

Dear one, if you are suffering today, from who knows what, except God Himself,

be like those Hebrews--

Cry out.

He will hear you.

He waits to deliver you.

He longs to "hover over and protect you" (the meaning of the word passover)

From a delivered one,

Bonnie

Maple syrup dance

2011-04-06T12:28:00.002-04:00

Teresa, Rachel and I were in the living room. Nathan had gone to bed. Hannah was here, at the computer.

On the stove, perches a pot of golden deliciousness--fresh, maple syrup--boiling down to perfection with Tim's observant eye and helpful hydrometer.

Tim is sitting on the couch that "takes you in"--and then, without any warning, he FLIES off the couch, slides on the floor because his socks slip --his arms flailing all over the air...and barely misses the corner as he dashes for the stove!

The syrup had begun to boil over...Hannah just sat here--which is part of the funny..

Tim says, "I couldn't let it burn!!"

True.

Oh honey, you made us all laugh very,very hard!! I witnessed you move faster than I ever believed possible ---all for the love of maple syrup! I am chuckling now, fondly remembering what I will forever refer to as the "maple syrup dance"!!

Thank You Lord for peals of laughter..

My top 7 gifts from yesterday:

1)Bibles, left open, from eyes before mine, inviting me to come and see!

2) Long walks with prayer pushing me farther.

3)Braids.

4)No bad things on Hannah's CT scan of her sinuses.

5)Crockpots.

6)Fresh maple syrup ladled over vanilla ice cream.

7)Laughter!

And now a bit from my devotional this morning, which I believe fits beautifully into this whole idea of being grateful:

**"When you focus on what you don't have or on situations that displease you, your mind also becomes darkened. You take for granted life, salvation, sunshine, flowers and countless other gifts from Me. You look for what is wrong and refuse to enjoy life until it is "fixed."

Powerful words, spoken with great tact and truth. Are you trying to "fix" life?

Gratitude is powerful when nothing is taken for granted-then it becomes a dispensing tool for Joy.

He is faithful,

Bonnie

** from Jesus Calling by S. Young, pg 103

To and fro

2011-04-04T23:08:00.002-04:00

"For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart are completely His." II Chronicles 16:9

To and fro. I imagine God's eyes scanning the coverings of the shell called earth, seeking, searching for hearts that are "completely His." For more wow factor on this, take a peek at Zechariah 2:13--God has a covert ops group of angels, doing the same! Honest!!

He is not looking for how much money we make.

He isn't searching for how clean our houses are..

He is not after doctorates, SAT or ACT scores or GPA's, or scholarships.

Hearts.

Completely His.

He will strongly support you and I if our hearts are completely His.

That is a promise dear one.

Will you believe?

If you read the next sentence, it says "You have acted foolishly in this. Indeed, from now on you will surely have wars."

Asa the king of Judah, sought after God's heart for YEARS!!!

In comes another threat and instead of doing what he knows works, he diverts his devotions and affections and ambitions to lesser things.

Bad choice buddy.

Now he has wars..

He doesn't appreciate what was said to him about the to and fro ability of God's eyes and throws the guy in jail!

Ever have someone speak truth to you and you "throw them in jail??"

Asa pitches a high and mighty fit.

His feet get a disease.

He does not seek God's help but other "physicians."

He dies.

This was a king who used to give God glory and credit...

Pride found his heart and latched on for dear death..

I want my life to end well.

I want people to say good things about my God, my Jesus, because I was His vessel.

I want God's eyes to fall on me...on my children...my husband...my family..

******************************************************************************

I did not get picked for the SheSpeaks scholarship-- I am ok with that.

I put a "button" up for you to see called "Multitudes on Mondays," from Ann's blog.

The idea is to come up with multitudes of thanks and praise for ordinary, mundane, blessings.

Pride ruins gratitude. Pride hates to be thankful. Pride is me focused. Me, me, me.

Grateful hearts open wide for what God has for them..

Will you be grateful today?

Will you practice more??

I am doing this until Easter..

My list this Monday:

7 gifts (good and perfect)

1) no bake cookies

2) warm showers

3) daughter's cheeks for kissing

4)bird songs

5)a son's plea for prayer

6)homemade meal delivery to a family who is hurting

7)good steak!

Remember God's eyes are searching for hearts that are completely His.

One way to make that happen is to be grateful in all things....everyday life things.

He is faithful,

Bonnie

Fulness, Joy, Presence

2011-03-31T20:56:00.005-04:00

"What is your greatest fear?"

Moist eyes locked on mine, waiting.

I didn't.

His adam's apple dropped down, then back up..

Slowly I spoke to my pastor.

"My greatest fear is not knowing God's presence."

Psalm 16:11 speaks to this "You make know to me the path of life; in your presence there is fulness of joy.."

Chemotherapy coming..I did not know how I would do--can anyone do well really??

Like a warrior woman, I braced my soul for the burning.

I took in life. The Word. Medicine for my seared soul, a balm for the wounds coming and to come. Sufficient. Powerful. Time released.

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High, will abide in the shadow of the Almighty..I will say to the Lord my Refuge and my Fortress, my God in whom I trust!" Psalm 91:1

I purposely placed God's precious promises in my heart, my mind...

I spoke it, in entirety over my children, over my husband, over myself..it has become part of us, part of who we are as a family..

I trust You my Refuge!

I trust You, my Fortress!

I began to understand that I had a simple choice each day. I could cave to fear and the pain or I could embrace it.

I do not mean in a poor me manner, hug it like a friend, but in a "this is what You have ordained for me" manner.

I chose to be grateful for what may seem insignificant to you, but it was life for my family.

In all things, give thanks, God told me.

I thanked Him for each day--it was a gift, I told my children, again and again.

We would see birdies at our feeder and thank God.

Friends brought meals. We thanked God.

I healed up, we thanked God..

Before cancer, I used to go into trials, especially the big type, with an attitude of "I cannot wait until this is OVER." Please God...make it be done. I'm ready to be finished..Learn? I did not.

I fretted. Stewed. Said I was struggling with it..reality was I was wondering why God would "do" this to me. I did not turn to God's Word truly, with a crushed heart, knowing it was my LIFE..

I would mostly complain..Fear hunkered at the door of my heart all the time..what if this happened: What if that happened??

It did. But God knew. He was not surprised.

For you dear one, if you are in a trial at this moment, I have words for you. Will you believe them? Please?

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33

You are not alone. Trials, tribulations come. Jesus said they would..He also said to "take courage." Remember dear one, He has already overcome the world through the cross, for you..for me..

"Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34

Live in today. Live in now. Days came where I lived moment by moment..honestly. I could not think about the next infusion--I stayed on today and became a beggar-- more grace Lord! Please Lord help me!! Do not let me fear Lord!

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thess. 5:16-18

I have a flat chest now, but I am grateful to be alive. I used to be bald. Now, my heart seeks after the woman in the grocery store with a hat pulled over her ears and my feet follow her. I need to hug her, to tell her I used to have a "hairdo" like hers. I tell her she is beautiful because I know to God, she is..

"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not look anxiously about you, for I am your God." Isaiah 41:10

Fear is a human response to crisis, to pain, to the unknown. But God does not want us to be fearful. Fear sucks the life out of us. It kills faith. I know...I struggled and struggled with fear..Will "it" return?

Will I lose my life? Like my brother? My father? Who will take care of my children? My husband? (God will. He is capable you know--He is GOD.)

Day by day I replaced fear thoughts with God thoughts. Fear tried to choke me. God breathed life into me...He is greater than any fear.

Praise You Lord...thank You Jesus...

"This I recall to my mind; therefore I have hope,

the LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is Thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23

God's lovingkindness to me will never end. This gives me hope. Fear melts. Mercies

never fail ..

God's faithfulness towards me is great..

Please believe God dear one. He is faithful. He does not want you to live in fear. He desires your heart to be grateful. God's intimate presence infuses joy. Scatters fear. Fortifies faith.

In His presence there is fulness of joy...

He is faithful,

Bonnie

I have been nudged to write more. Just in my heart. Others tell me I can write--I need to believe them..I want to make much of God, Who He is. What He can do. That is why I wrote this blog entry tonight. If you sense God tenderly speaking into the nooks and crannys of your heart, here is an opportunity. Be brave dear one. Write so others can see Him. Know Him. Believe Him.

http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/03/how-christians-create-art-she-speaks-scholarship/

http://shespeaksconference.com/

300th Post!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-03-25T17:11:00.006-04:00

I watched her hands tenderly touch Heidi's side. I could sense her fingers remembering their first ride, endless but joyful brushings, braiding her tail and mane, turning pages in her horse book, picking hooves, holding reins, and grabbing bunches of her mane while riding bareback. I could tell she was saying goodbye to her friend for the last 1 1/2 years. She kissed Heidi's head and I walked my precious, courageous daughter back to the house while the vet put her down.

I remembered the day she got thrown, how Teresa's legs buckled under her body, while the dumb horse just stood there, looking all innocent. Man, I was mad at that animal!

I remembered looking out in the pasture and Heidi standing while Teresa was sitting by her, reading to her. To her horse..

Each moment came that quick, while stars twinkled, boots crunched the snow, breath hung in the frigid air, with sadness coming quickly..

I hope you can read the inscription she put on her cross.

The best horse ever.

That is what it means to my 11 year old, because Heidi belonged to her.

I love you daughter dear. You were very brave that night.

********************************************************************

This is my 300th post! Wow whee, it's been interesting...

You have no idea how many times I hit the back button when I write.

I want to be careful when I hit "publish post." So careful.

I realize the power of words--they can encourage, prod, challenge or heal.

Or they can defame, deflate, discourage and DESTROY.

Look at what Proverbs says:

"The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things." Prov. 15:28

"There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing." Prov. 12:18

I have no hidden agendas when I write. I am not trying to say something to a distant someone.

I am trying to tell others that when life hurts, pain is prime and you think you want to dig a hole and pull the dirt over your head,

GOD IS A VERY PRESENT HELP.

HE LOVES YOU.

GOD CARES FOR YOU.

I wish I could see each of you, through the screen, as you read. I would whisper to you again and again,

"The Lord loves you and wants to be with you through your trials and troubles-

Nothing is too difficult for Him." I know this, I have experienced His grace and mercy over and over.

Will you let Him love you?

He is faithful,

Bonnie

Merciful Blessings, Birthdays and Barfies

2011-03-23T22:28:00.011-04:00

I saw her working on this cross. She used some trim from one of the bedrooms. A woodburner etched in the words. Teresa headed out the door, with her memorial in hand, and I said, "Wait a second honey, I'll get my coat and go with you."

"Mom, " she spoke firmly, "I need to go by myself."

Gulp..

I think my daughter is growing up. I went back just a few days ago and snapped this pic of her handiwork. I like the turkey feather touch don't you?
My Dad's 1978 F-150. Last summer. First it was ours, then our friend Jay drove it, then we bought it back, then it went to a coworker of Tim's and then we got it back...it was one, sad, worn out truck. It sat for 5 years and one day Tim decided to try and start it up.. VROOOMM! That was when he sold his willys jeep and began stockpiling the money to turn tired truck into farm truck...
Here it is!!!!!!! My cousin's husband did a fine job; we now have a truck Tim's guy friends are envious of! We do have the F that goes on the front, but the clips to hold it in place are no longer manufactured. Oh well. Guess we'll have to drive an ORD. Dad must be smiling--Steve too! I love hearing that old engine again..
Last Saturday Mom lost her power to her computer and her phone. Tim went over and switched the breaker back. Black smoke started coming out of her wall, through one of her plug ins! Dont' worry, he took care of things before anything worse happened!! After much digging outside on her cozy nest, he found the culprit!
This is a big, big no no in the electric wiring world. It has to do with splicing with one type of wire onto another type of wire. We are praising God that the breaker did it's thing and no more damage was done...thank You Lord..now we just have to put her house back together!!! Tim fixed it last night, even feeling sick. I have a fantastic husband!
And silly too! We had a blast on his 49th birthday. We missed Nathan though..more to come on his mission trip to Mexico..God has done a great work in his heart let me tell ya'!
Happy Birthday darling..you are the man for me..I love you my ORD drivin, electric wire fixin', razor makin' man!!

The stomach flu revisited us this past week...First Rachel, then 1 hour later Teresa, then Tim and then today, Hannah...Tim and Hannah didn't get the barfies, but they sure have been strung out with fevers...

Nathan and I are praying for God's mercy..

I went out to take pics the other day while all the sickie ickies were sleeping..I needed a break from disinfecting and bucket emptying and laundry..

I decided to praise God and count my blessings instead of whine, murmur and complain.

Being outside is the conduit for God to speak to me and I was tenderly reminded of His great love for me.

I heard it first, then my eyes saw it---our first ROBIN!!!

I would have missed it if I'd stayed inside.

Thank You Lord, You knew I needed that cheery, happy sight!

Spring is coming--even though we got about 6 inches of snow last night!!

You are faithful,

Bonnie

One Body

2011-03-21T08:59:00.002-04:00

Romans 12:5 says: "so we who are many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another."

One body. In Christ. Members one of another. Humbling stuff. Farther down the passage, Paul tells us "Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor.."

I saw that in action yesterday. Our church body eats together once a month. I love being able to gaze around the room and see members of our body together, eating, laughing, crying, praying, listening and enjoying one another.

It's now just how we act when we are eating a meal together, it's how we behave in the "real" world. When we mess up. When we have hard questions. When people have real tangible needs. I have witnessed love--God's love, poured out in the form of grace and mercy. We do not deserve one another. We do not deserve God's love but in GRACE we give and give to one another.

I could tell story upon story of hurt and betrayal in the church body. I have been the hurter and the betrayer. Me. If you are honest before God, I believe you could say the same thing. None of us are perfect. I think we have too many of those juicy gossipy stories circulating, strangling the life and ruining the testimony of God's love in our lives.

That is why I am writing this blog this morning. God is alive and well in the people of His church.(my church)(and your too I bet)

He is ministering to others through ladels of chili, salad served with a joke and a huge smile, undisclosed giving to those in need, prayers, hugs and forgiveness. He is revealing truth in His Word in pre prescribed doses for each of us. He is accepting the broken hearted and loving the ones wrestling with addicitions. He is there, in our midst.

I love being able to raise my hands in worship..

When I close my eyes, I can smell the carpet at the altar as I kneel, giving my hurts and aches to Jesus..

We are truly members one of another at my church.

One body in Christ.

I am very grateful,

Bonnie

Laura Story - Blessings

2011-03-18T17:32:00.004-04:00

Much has happened this week. Teresa's horse had to be put down..a precious 4 year old we know is battling leukemia plus a rotten cold and double ear infection.(he's better praise God!) I heard of another dear soul diagnosed with cancer...there is much suffering in our world isn't there?

I heard this song this afternoon on the way to town. It was a God event; how did this woman know my life?? Honestly, it's as if she peered into the last 3 1/2 years and wrote about my struggles, trails, pain and loss..I miss my brother mightily and know one knows except me and Jesus the depth of my aches and pains..and you know what? I am alright with that- Loss cannot be quantified or measured in degrees.

I pray you will be blessed mightily.. listen to ALL the words.

I do believe Lord,

Bonnie

Blessings

We pray for blessings

We pray for peace

Comfort for family, protection while we sleep

We pray for healing, for prosperity

We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while, You hear each spoken need

Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom

Your voice to hear

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near

We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love

As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

All the while, You hear each desperate plea

But long that we'd have the faith to believe

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us

When darkness seems to win

We know the pain reminds this heart

That this is not, this is not our home,

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are your mercies in disguise?

On the Road to Mexico

2011-03-07T18:24:00.001-05:00

http://ferrismexicomission.tumblr.com/

If you are interested in Nathan's trip, you gotta go here--there are some pretty pictures and well written thoughts. Please pray for Nathan and all the other college age, hammer welding youngsters!

God loves you reader. He loves you so very, very much...

Bonnie

19 years young

2011-03-06T22:30:00.003-05:00

Yes, this is my social butterfly, aviation daughter! She is flying an airplane--with her Daddy taking photos! Isn't that a super way to see the sunset on your 19th birthday??

Yesterday we celebrated with cousins downstate--what a blessing to have family that share their boy's birthday party with Hannah's birthday. I am so very grateful for family. Hannah didn't mind sharing half the cake with a helicopter either....I think she thought it was pretty awesome!

Hannah had her favorite meal --homemade chicken pot pie and the infamous poppy seed cake! Yummy!

I didn't have much else planned for the day and all of a sudden, I said to Tim "Could you borrow Lee's airplane today??"

She loves to fly and Tim said she did great--he even made sure he "remembered" how to drive as well. Funny honey... She was able to log 1.2 hours. No, I did not go. I was glad to stay home and watch for them from the ground--and I didn't feel one bit sad either!

Tim and I got her a 3 day pass to a Christian music concert--I didn't wrap it in gift wrappings, but I placed it in the pages of Isaiah--chapter 66, verses 1 and 2 to be exact, the same verses I adorned her birthday card with..

Thus says the LORD,

"Heaven is My throne and the earth is My footstool.

Where then is a house you could build for Me?

And where is a place that I may rest?

For My hand made all these things,
Thus all these things came into being,"

declares the LORD.

"But to this one will I look,

to him who is humble and contrite of spirit

and who trembles at My word."

I wanted her to find it there, nestled in the pages of a book that is becoming increasingly precious to her heart. I see a young woman who is growing not only academically but also spiritually--by leaps and bounds.

***********************************************

I love you Hannah.. I can still hear your uncle singing happy birthday to you, accompanied by his testosterone quartet--and I bet he was singing with us today around our table..

You are loved darlin'!!

Happy Birthday!

Mom

He is Yours God

2011-03-04T21:20:00.003-05:00

Son I am so proud of you! You are my first born, my first baby-- you had dibs on being first at many things. Dad and I often referred to you as our "guinea pig" which was a nice way of saying we had no idea how to raise a child, but with God as our Help, Dr. Dobson and lots of mistakes, you turned out "pretty good."

Saying goodbye to you last night was really, really tough..I remember you telling me to "Please pray Mom" and you know I will. I want you to come home a different man, tempered in the hot Mexican sun in more ways that one--yes, you will have a tan, but I pray God's Holy Spirit sears truth into your heart and soul as you build houses for His glory.

You are my son, flesh of my flesh, but you belong to God. Your Dad and I dedicated you to the Lord when you were a wee toddler, and you were so shy, I had to turn around so the congregation could see your big, beautiful eyes.

21 years later I am dedicating you to the Lord a new, more painful way. This world is full of heartache Nathan; you are no longer the babe over my shoulder--you have seen much--you have suffered loss and heartache as a young man, and I couldn't protect you from it like I used to. I have watched you turn your heart towards God and look to Him for help and comfort and I am blessed in mommy tones, that only other mommy's can understand.

Tonight you leave for El Paso Texas, in a 15 passenger van, with 56 other students. You are going to build homes for the poverty stricken in Juarez Mexico. My prayers can reach that far I'm sure.....

I love your enthusiasm, your desire to do something for God, your youthful strength and your smile. I love your ardent passion to defend truth.

As I pulled away from your strong arms last night, I gave you back to God again. You are His. I am placing you, my first born son, in His capable, mighty hands.

When Nathan begins to lay foundations for these homes, remind him Lord, that You are the foundation of his life.

I will close with the blessing your daddy used to give you every night before bed:

"Nathan, may the Lord bless you and keep you,

may the Lord make His face shine upon you,

may the Lord be gracious unto you

and give you peace.

In the name of the Father,

and the Son

and the Holy Spirit,

AMEN"

I love you Son!
Mom

Too highly of myself

2011-03-03T10:29:00.018-05:00

I admit I have a pride problem. I must tell you right off, that the Word of God has much to say about pride. God hates it. Pride tells God in declarative tones that I have it under control thank you very much God. I am better than so-n-so, and I would never struggle with sin like they seem to.. blahty, blahty, blah, blah, blah........

Look at this verse:

For through the grace given to me, I say to every man among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think as to have sound judgement, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith. Romans 12:3

Ha! Right in plain terms I am told not to think of myself more highly than I ought to.

What I learned this past week, in my life, is that pride also comes out as the Eyore attitude...Poor me, l'm a nobody, I never do anything right, blah, blah, blah..

Even when I am feeling sorry for myself, I'm down on myself and the whole world is against me, it is a form of pride.

Why?

The whole focus is ME, MYSELF and I.

I am not thinking about myself like God thinks about me. I am not thanking Him for all He's done for me. I am not remembering who I am in Christ.

I am throwing a pity party and all the invitations have been sent! Come one, come all!! Feel sorry for me!!!

What I've learned this week is that God wants me to think of myself soberly-not like a sourpuss soberly but to understand, through the lens of Scripture who I really am in Christ.

It makes all the difference in daily life when I understand that God has :

ADOPTED ME into His family Ephesians 1:5

BLESSED ME WITH EVERY BLESSING Ephesians 1:3

CHOSEN ME BEFORE THE FOUNDATION OF THE WORLD Ephesians 1:4

FORGIVEN ME Ephesians 1:7

REDEEMED ME Ephesians 1:7

When I think of myself in those terms, pride disappears and gratefulness takes hold.

Thank You Lord for the power of Your Word. Thank You for all you have done for me.

You are faithful,

Bonnie

Ice fun

2011-02-25T18:33:00.003-05:00

Two girls +ice on the ground+horses watching= FUN

I love you Lord,

Bonnie

P.S. They were saying Happy Birthday to their cousin, up north style!!

FIGHT!

2011-02-23T17:54:00.002-05:00

This is from my journal, way back last October. I have several dear, sweet, God loving friends who are suffering with cancer right now. This post is for you:

FIGHT is a word that takes on a different hue when you have cancer. FIGHT describes an attitude that is resolute; willing to endure chemotherapy(poison), IV's(pokes), surgeries, (port installation(sounds like a computer huh?), mastectomies, drain tubes, reconstructions, infections, baldness, vomiting, weakness, sickness, trips to ER, and lots of tears. FIGHT is an aggressive mindset although your body is weakened and subdued. FIGHT looks at a day with chemo looming and sees joy in the little things; your children's faces, a friend's letter, or a pot of homemade soup brought over by a friend. FIGHT holds your husband while he weeps when he finds out the surgeon did not get all the cancer and wants to go back in and "clean up the margins." FIGHT and FAITH go together because the FIGHT does not come from me, it comes from my faith in God and a relationship with Jesus Christ.

FIGHT comes from God, not from Bonnie. It is HIS power I relied on. It is His peace I crave when I'm so scared I cannot sleep. Strength comes from Him as I ask for it. Joy goes with me into the infusion center because I know God is with me, while I sit and "get chemo."

Dear reader remember this:

God FIGHTS for you-He will sustain you. But your attitude needs to be one tinged with faith in God and FIGHT to live every day He blesses you with.

He is faithful,

Bonnie

Sun and shield

2011-02-17T20:51:00.003-05:00

This morning, my oldest daughter had her 4 wisdom teeth "removed" but is recovering well...this goofy tooth in the pic is what she held this morning when they put in her iv. The rose is from her Daddy, for Valentine's Day. The Bible is a new one Tim just ordered this week, to use as a concordance and for reference.
A funny thing has been happening around here for the last week or so. I get a magazine that has great recipes in it and have been getting it every single month for the last two years or so. My mom n love got a gift subscription for me! Most of the time, I do not read it fully, but give it a cursory glance and off it goes to the magazine bin. Sorry Mom!
Anyhow, I picked up the last one to read while I was recovering from the horribulus flu likeus virus. I have made 5 recipes from this magazine! I hear, "WOW Mom, that was AWESOME!"

"Hey Mom, can you read this magazine MORE OFTEN??"

This pic is the result of Nathan making one of the chicken dishes the other night for dinner. That young man can cook I tell ya!! It was SO YUMMY!!! He had to run off to worship practice but we saved him a smallish bowl of it...

Tonight was "just" chicken in a 13x9 pan, no spice, no nothin', with baked potatoes and steamed veggies. Response?

"Hey Mom was this from the magazine too???"

Nope. Just my head.

Hannah "ate" gatorade and ice cream. Her face is puffy but her attitude is great. Please pray this will help lessen her headaches she's been having since December. Thanks..

"The LORD God is a sun and shield, the LORD gives grace and glory;

no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."

Psalm 84:11

I have begun to realize that the "good thing" in this verse is not stuff. It is not a newer car with no rusting out of the panels. It is not new running shoes.(which I really need I might add) This good thing is not having my mortgage paid--now. And it is not a fancy coffee machine on my counter either.

If I'm not careful, I tend to equate God to be some sort of celestial vending machine; if I walk uprightly, then God will give me "good things."

I was walking uprightly when I was diagnosed with cancer in 2007. I had recently surrendered my life to God and I meant it. I even wrote it in my journal. So if I follow the God as a vending machine theology, shouldn't I have NOT gotten cancer because that is definitely NOT a good thing?

See what I mean?

In this awful trial I found many "good things." I realized I had a very supportive, loving, sacrificing family. I got to see my husband rise up and love me like he never has before. I had people pray for me and with me. I experienced God through all those moments in ways I never would have, if I hadn't been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I did get lots of things, good things, letters, gifts, books, home cooked meals, shirts, scarves---I could go on and on!

But the BEST good thing I received was God Himself.

So I believe, through the power of the Holy Spirit, that is what this verse is referring to.

God is my sun and shield. He is my light in the darkness of life, when I am scared out of my mind, He is my shield and protector from evil and fear.

He gives grace in hard situations and glory to Himself..

When I walk uprightly and strive to please Him in all aspects of my life, I have eyes to see and a heart to understand and receive what those good things are; but mostly they are God Himself.

He is faithful,

Bonnie

True Love

2011-02-14T20:39:00.005-05:00

Oh my...I got a love letter from my sweetheart this past weekend...Tim and I attended the kickoff event called The Art of Marriage by Family Life. We watched over 5 hours of DVDs about marriage. The content was over the top amazing, informative and Bible based. I learned I am selfish to the core---which I guess I did not need to pay for to know, but there is something about the Word of God on the big screen, penetrating into the "joints and marrow, judging the thoughts and intentions of the heart"--my selfish, me minded heart..God's Word reveals and brought me to repentance. I am very, very grateful for what I experienced over the weekend.

One of the activities we did was to write a love letter to our spouse...I am a visual person mind you, so to see my beloved's writing, declaring his love for me, is a gift I will treasure forever.

Thank You Lord for my husband...he is my gift, from Your heart. Help me to respect him, love him and affirm him. Help me to pray for him as he leads our family...

Thank You for my true love (with skin on) Lord..

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

The sunset the other night was SPECTACULAR. Stunning. A fireball in the sky! Teresa and I were plodding up the power line hill and we kept stopping and exclaiming about God's incredible beauty!! Wow Whee Lord!!

Jesus Christ is my first true love.. He loves me best. His love for me is unconditional, pure, holy, right and crazy!!! It is humbling and amazing to try to wrap my little brain around the Creator of the sunset, loving me, the one admiring His handiwork..

This is the verse that "got" me over the weekend: (used in the context of anger/conflict in a marriage relationship)

"What causes quarrels and fights among you?

Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you?

You desire and do not have, so you murder.

You covet and cannot obtain,

so you fight and quarrel.

You do not have because you do not ask. "

James 4: 1-2

Anyhow, it was all very good and very helpful and very convicting and very affirming.

If you are married I recommend this HIGHLY-go to www.FamilyLife.com and -- check out their Art of Marriage conferences. And don't think you have to have a "problem" to go. Think of it as maintenance. Prevention. There was a couple at ours that had been married 46 years and a couple that had been married not quite a year! So no excuses!! GO!

For the "un Valentine's Day" people, check out Hannah's blog, www.achinglytransparent.blogspot.com

It's a winner..

I love You Lord,

Bonnie

Unforgiveness

2011-02-10T21:18:00.002-05:00

To quote a couple powerful statements:

"Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and then waiting for your enemy to die."

If God forgave you like you forgive your enemy, would you be satisfied?

(i doubt it)

Whoever you are reading this: God loves you. He wants a relationship with you. There is NOTHING you have done that is beyond His ability to forgive you. Nothing. He says if you "confess your sins He is faithful and just to forgive your sins and cleanse you from all unrighteousness." I John 1:9

I realize that I am speaking of two differing things: God's forgiveness of us and us forgiving others. But I believe they are connected because if we cannot accept God's forgiveness of us personally, how on earth can we forgive those we live on this earth with?

I will never, ever forget my brother's response to a wrong done to him, not too long before he met Jesus...

He said and I quote, "There is nothing, you can do or say, that will ever stop me from loving you."

Thank you brother for a powerful, God honoring example. I miss you more than words can begin to say...

Bon

***************************************

At long last!

2011-02-05T11:50:00.005-05:00

See what God provided for Nathan? A subaru legacy, all wheel drive, 119,00 miles, but it was a GIFT from someone in our church family!! Nathan is going to Juarez Mexico in March and all the funds for that came in too. He just got his passport this week and is rearin to go build houses !!
Rachel and Teresa built this happy, happy snow guy today. Isn't he awesome?
We like the movie Despicable Me a lot--it makes us laugh!! This minion is due east of the happy snowman.
Thursday, we received a letter from Finlandia, the college in the U.P. that has the physical therapy assistant program Hannah has been looking at..It starts with "CONGRATULATIONS"

She's been accepted!!! I did not realize how Hannah had been battling worry and stress concerning it, until I read her latest blog post. I am very, very thankful for a daughter who runs to You Lord and finds You to be the remedy for anxiety and stewing..

For those of you who might ask, "Where is Finlandia?" Go to the U.P. of Michigan, go west of Marquette and up into the Keweenaw peninsula to the towns Houghton/Hancock. The two towns are separated by a river. Michigan Tech is in Houghton, and Finlandia is across the river in Hancock. Houghton is definitely a college feel town and Hancock reminds me of St. Johns Newfoundland--tough, weather worn and friendly. This year Hancock has received 120" of snow. Good thing Hannah likes the white stuff!! I'm so proud of you sweetheart!!
I have found some treasures in my phone recently in the form of pics he sent and birthday songs my brother sang to Hannah and mom...boy did the tears come..I cannot remember my Dad's voice any longer but modern technology has made it possible to listen to Steve's goofy, yet loving birthday songs..what a find this week! The handwriting on the bag is his(from a Relay for Life in 2008). What an encouraging brother God gave me..thank You Lord. I love you Steve--you WERE stronger because you believed on Jesus Christ. He conquered sin and death so you could live forever with Him.
"The heavens are telling of the glory of God; and their expanse is declaring the works of His hands." Psalm 19:1

A gorgeous sunset right outside our window..

PRAYER PLEASE

Mom is wearing a halter monitor for 30 days due to heart palpitations. Please pray for her to have God's peace and they will find out why they are happening.

I have been very, very sick this past week with what I am thinking might be the flu or pneumonia ...I am going to urgent care tomorrow. Please pray the Dr will be able to RX an antibiotic I can take without reacting to it... Tim took the kids to homeschool group yesterday --I slept!!

Pray for my friend B, who just had the cyber knife surgery. She blesses me with her love for God and others, despite the cancer that threatens her life.

Pray too for a little guy A, who is fighting leukemia at the tender age of 4..he is so brave! Pray the chemo will not be too severe on his body. Pray God will provide his parents a reliable vehicle to travel back and forth to Grand Rapids with.

Thank You Lord for Your many, lavish blessings..You are the love of my life..

Bonnie

GO GREEN BAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The power of the Word of God

2011-01-29T10:04:00.002-05:00

Here are two examples of the power of God's Word, working itself out in the lives of my children.

The first is Hannah's blog, which I am posting in it's entirety to save you a click and the other, is a letter my Teresa wrote to a young girl whose mom just had surgery.

God knew I needed this confirmation in my life--to see my children purposely choose God is one of the most thrilling aspects of being a parent because I know it's REAL for them. I know that when their faith in a living, loving God is genuine, they will be a success in life. Jobs do not make them a success. Making 5,6 figures do not make them a success. "Success" comes from living a life of faith in God, provided by the sacrifice of His Son Jesus Christ. Honestly, if I know my children are purposely living for Jesus Christ, I know they will be guided by Him, empowered by Him and literally, given all they need to know how to live, through the power of His Word. II Tim 3:16,17

Ready??

FRIDAY, JANUARY 28, 2011

So Mom asked me today when I was going to write my next blog post. My response?

"When I have no more homework."

Yeah...... That'll be a while.

But honestly, I was thinking about what I would write if I wrote one, and I simply can't choose.

I could tell you about my new job (which I LOVE).

I could tell you about school (which I also love, just find overwhelming at times).

I could tell you about how I have impacted wisdom teeth and can't eat anything hard or chewy without intense pain (this bites, I like Skittles, Snickers, and Steak too much for this diet :P).

I could tell you about how we started another Bible Study, on Crazy Love by Francis Chan.

I could tell you about how I never seem to sleep anymore (this also bites, but I think until I am free of my wisdom teeth, it will be normal).

I could tell you that I am uber excited the Packers made the Super Bowl! (and knowing that my Uncle will have Heavenly front-row seats to see his favorite team play in the Super Bowl!!! <3)

See? Too many options. When I have something that excites me lately, I find someone to tell. Because if I don't tell someone right away, I forget. And then fall asleep. And then it's gone... Zzzz...

But seriously? I think my devotion and prayer time have become so personal and so sweet, that for the most part, I'm writing it away. Holding it close to my heart. There are aspects of it that I want to share, and I do share them. But the majority of what God has been showing me lately has been just between He and I. And frankly, I'm loving it.

He is showing me what it means to Love, to be patient, to trust, to grow in Him so that I can grow to the role(s) He has for me in the future, whatever they may be. He is giving me trials, however large or small they may be, and helping me learn how to react to them by leaning and depending on Him. He is giving me opportunities to bless and serve, even if it is hard and I have to grit my teeth in the beginning, or sacrifice something else that would bless me, so that I can bless someone else. His Word has really become my Love Letter, and as I wake up each morning, I'm excited to see what it has to hold for me. As I go to bed each night, I have to crack it open one more time to see what else He has to say for me. And sure, there are days where I'm like "huh. Ok..." and there are also days where I fall asleep before I get it all the way open ;-). But mostly, I come away from my time with Him feeling so Loved and cherished.

And that, is why I haven't been writing lately. I do have things here and there I will write about, a couple have come to mind. But for now, I will stick with reading my Love Letter and learning all that I can about Him =).

My favorite verses of late...

Whom have I in heaven but Thee?

And besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

For, behold, those who are far from Thee will perish;

Thou hast destroyed all those who are unfaithful to Thee.

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;

I have made the Lord God my refuge.

That I may tell of all Thy works.

(Psalms 73:25-28)

Here is Teresa's letter :

Dear (blank)

My name is Teresa Zowada. I'm 11 years old, you might remember me from New Hope. I heard what your mom,you and your family are going through right now. I know how you feel. Four years ago, my mom got breast cancer. She was sick for quite a while. I 'll be praying for you, here's a verse I read today.

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower, the righteous run into it are safe." Proverbs 18:10 Try to say in God's tower, and trust in Him, I know we all have times when we worry and find our selves out side of God's tower,but remember, that God holds you and your family in the palm of His hand and will NEVER let you go.

I'll be praying for you!!

Can you say with me AMEN??

God you are faithful,

Bonnie

P.S. I know I have two more children--they are next!!

I don't get it really

2011-01-27T09:20:00.002-05:00

I don't understand how God can love me some days. Honestly. I sin. I spew.(words) I fear. I fret. I speak ill of others without them around. I could go on but I will spare you..

I am not perfect. I mess up.

The key to not being tied up by all this ugliness is to focus on GOD. Not myself.

Who I am comes from God and how HE views me and not how others view me or what they say about me.

I am adopted into His family, "He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will." Eph 1:5

In God this morning, I am blessed.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ.." Eph. 1:3

I have been chosen by God Himself: "..just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him." Eph 1:4

In God this snowy morning I am forgiven, "If we confess our sins, HE is faithful and just to forgive us or sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I John 1:9

And lastly, in God I am redeemed. I love how Michael Card painted a picture of what it means to be redeemed in Christ. He alluded to the illustration of how we were drifting on the stormy sea and Jesus was our life preserver. We grabbed hold and were saved. Or something like that. No Michael said, we were dead on the bottom of the sea, Jesus dove in, brought us back up to the surface and breathed life into us!! "But when the fulness of time came, God sent forth His son, born of a woman, born under the Law, in order that He might redeem those who were under the Law, that we might receive the adoption as sons." Galatians 4:4.5

So when I am doubting myself, or leaning too hard on what others say about me, I listen to God. Even though I don't understand His ways, His ways are not based on human love. Human love is conditional and weak. Human love is often selfish. Human love punishes when there is an offense. Which I guess then, would not make it love...

So if you are having a difficult day dear reader, look at yourself through the lens of God by the power of His Word.

You are most precious to Him. He loves you. He loved you so much He gave His only Son, so that you might have life in eternity with Him.

That is the kind of love I want to walk in today. God's love.

By faith, I am choosing to believe it, even though I do not understand it or get it.

You are faithful Lord,

Bonnie

P.S. More later I promise...Mom was given a surprise birthday party by family downstate and it was awesome!! I have pics....hopefully this weekend I can post them.

P.P.S. Hannah made the president's list for last semester!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Way to go darling daughter!!

Sand or rock????

2011-01-23T20:41:00.005-05:00

Which one is your foundation built upon? The sermons in church have given me much food for thought these days.

Here is the passage from Matthew. Remember Jesus had just spoke to those assembled on the hill side, which most of us recognize as the Sermon on the Mount(hill side) or the Beatitudes. When Jesus starts this with "Therefore" you understand what the text is there for. Get it?

"Therefore everyone who hears these words of Mine and acts on them, may be compared to a wise man who built his house on a rock.

And the rains fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and yet it did not fall, for it had been founded on the rock.

Everyone who hears these words of Mine and does not act on them, will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand.

The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and slammed against that house; and it fell--and great was its fall."'

Matthew 7: 24-27

The rains fell. The floods came. The wind blew and slammed against that house. The wise man AND the foolish man experienced torrents, which I liken to trials, circumstances beyond our control, pain, suffering, etc.

Hearing and acting are what separates these two. The wise guy heard God's Word and acted upon it. His house did not fall. The fool heard it too, but did not act and WHAM! CRASH!

His house fell and Jesus said "great was its fall."

I have been going to church ever since I accepted Christ as my Saviour and Lord (1981) and I think it is safe to say I have heard hundreds of sermons, seminars, studies, and teachings. Hundreds.

3 decades later, I am beginning to understand what it means to hear that precious Word and then DO IT.

Like when I hear I am to forgive. Well too bad. They started it. It's their fault. They deserve it. THEY HURT ME- BAD-AND THEY ARE GONNA PAY!!! That has been my thought process time and time again. For years. Especially in the area of marriage...

Sorry. God's Word is all over that one. We are commanded to forgive. Period. Remember Peter? Lord, how many times am I supposed to forgive? Like 7?

Nope.

Jesus said 70 times 7 and then He shared a powerful parable about a guy forgiven a huge debt that went out and beat the snot out of someone who owed him 20 bucks! Matthew 18: 21-28

Why do I ignore those statements? Why do I play games with God? Why do I think that passage does not apply to me? Why do I believe my circumstances dictate my obedience?

I am being a fool. Pure and simple. I hear God's Word and I choose to not heed it. So when the rains come, the floods rise and the wind threatens to tear my "house" apart, I will fall. I do not believe this means I will lose my salvation, I just think it means, I will be embittered, angry, vengeful and live miserably. I will not experience the abundant life Jesus lived and died for me to have. John 10:10

This comparison of houses and rocks applies to life; getting cancer, divorce, adultery, unforgiveness, drunkenness, lying, stealing, gossiping, out bursts of anger, bitterness,..I could go on and on!

Oddly enough, today I heard that "God's Word is alive and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit and of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart." Hebrews 4:12

Such power God has for me if I would only hear and act upon it..help me Lord!!

Ok, I'm jumping off my soap rock(box) for now.

****************************************************************************

I'm sitting next to the fireplace, loving the fire Tim built for me. My maverick sweetheart is sitting in the kitchen, on a stool, playing his banjo-- with a guitar accompanying him (on some track he made) and the song he is plunking is WINNIE THE POOH!!!!

Not bad....

I love my husband..

Gotta go to bed. Up early to take Nathan to work and then walk at the college before I come home to teach Teresa and Rachel...

He is faithful,

Bonnie

Happy Birthday to my Mom!

2011-01-14T18:25:00.006-05:00

Dear Mom---God knew you were to be my mother! I am very, very grateful for who you are!

Steadfastness, loyalty, faithfulness, generosity and love are but a handful of the many wonderful attributes that make up you!
Your grandchildren love you dearly!
So does your son(I think he can love from Heaven)--he was so proud to belong to you, to call you his Mom. You were a wonderful example of a Godly mom to him.
Charm is deceitful, beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised! Proverbs 31:30

Mom there is much I can say...some of it can only be shared face to face, not here. You know I consider you my friend, my mom, my sister in Christ and one of my very best prayer warriors.

You model Jesus love to me, to my children and to my husband. It is real in your life, not fake. I love walking in on you in your little house, and seeing you sitting there with God's Word opened up, on your lap. Do you realize what a testimony that is? Do you understand how that action will affect me and your grandchildren and their children? I know you pray much and you love God much and I am very, very grateful..

Keep praying Mom. Never, ever give up. God works in ways we cannot know and see, and until He chooses to reveal those ways, you grow closer to Him as you wait upon Him to do the work.

Isaiah 40:31 says it the best--be like the eagle, waiting on the Lord and He will give you new strength! I see that happening in you and it blesses me greatly..

I love you!! Happy, blessed birthday!

Your grateful daughter (and her family)

Bonnie Sue

Bottom of the bucket

2011-01-11T23:08:00.003-05:00

That has been my view most of Monday. Today, I disinfected the bucket. Teresa's too. We had our own and I could hear her, through the walls of my room and she could hear me..(use our buckets--ugh!)

Tim and Rachel and Nathan escaped "the view." Hannah too.
Maybe most people close their eyes?

I don't know. All I know is that the flu, especially concerning my stomach, reminds me of my chemo days. And that, oddly enough, reminds me of my brother. I miss you so Steve..

I read to Teresa last night, as we lay in bed together. Tim put himself on the couch, in the living room, away from the germs. So did Rachel.

From the fourth chapter of Revelation, my eyes soaked up what my heart desperately needed to be reminded of--that this place we call earth, where we become ill and get cancer and some of us "don't make it" ----this place is not my home.

Heaven is.

God's throne is surrounded by commotion of the holiest sort. Creatures with differing images "do not cease to say,

HOLY HOLY HOLY is the LORD God the Almighty, who was and who is and who is to come."

Heaven is my destination. It is my home forever and ever. It is a place I will see my brother again, face to face. I found a boatload of pics recently (quite by surprise) and it has been such a gift! I can't touch pictures though. I cannot hug them or hear them. They are reminders at best. Yet, in heaven, I will be reunited with my sibling. Forever.

All those thoughts zipped through my head as I was reading this to Teresa. She loves the book of Revelation she said. Has read through it. She's 11!! I was amazed. She said she likes it-- a lot.

Thank You Lord, for children and their honest, sincerity for You.

All these thoughts, especially of Heaven, bring my nauseated body and mind, rest.

Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God the Almighty, who was and who is and who is to come...

Non stop. 24/7. Day and night.

Amazing..

Praying for you reader,

He is faithful,

Bonnie the less barfy than yesterday...

Accident

2011-01-04T20:32:00.003-05:00

Nathan's car after it crashed into a neighbor's tree--awaiting a visit from the insurance people Thursday.
This morning as we pulled it out-- only 1/4 mile from our house..he lost control on the slippery road last night.
Nathan's angel was busy--there is a power pole on the other side and the guide wire going down to the ground. His air bag worked and praise God for seat belts!
You never want to hear " (name of your loved one) has been in an accident" but we did last night at dinner. My heart skipped a beat or two--Tim snarfed a couple more bites from his dinner and headed out the door. He was only down at our neighbors--and she is a nurse, so I knew he was in capable hands. Today he is very, very sore but nothing major. Praise God for great neighbors, for God's angels and for Nathan's life!

Thank You Lord for Your hand on our son...he could have been seriously hurt, if not killed.

**********************************************************************************

I read voraciously over break and loved the Chapman's book Choosing to SEE. One of the quotations that sums up the theme of my blog is this from Hudson Taylor:

"May this be your experience; may you feel that the Hand which inflicts the wound supplies the balm, and that He who has emptied your heart has filled the void with Himself."

Jesus Christ is enough in good moments and He is plenty enough when life overflows with pain. I want this blog to be a place where you as the reader, hear that God's abundant grace is sufficient for every day, no matter what that day holds for you.

I was challenged to think of a verse or two that would be my "theme" for this next, fresh year.

I have thought long and hard and gone to ----

Lamentations 3:21-23

"This I recall to my mind,

Therefore I have hope.

The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,

For His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning,

Great is Thy faithfulness."

By remembering the mercies and goodness of God, I have hope for each day. I told Nathan as he was musing this morning about his car to remember what God did the last time he had this happen. Remember when our former blue suburban rolled? We had a customer prepay for flying with Tim to the tune of several thousand dollars, which just happened to be exactly the amount of the "new/used" suburban we now drive.

When I wonder about cancer returning in my body due to an ache or pain, I remember how well God took care of me through the last time and realize I do not have to worry or fear. He wants me to trust Him.

Hope is infused into my life when I "recall to mind" these things. When I understand that God's compassions do not run out for my life, I can trust Him more and more. When I say God is faithful I am speaking as one who has had 30 plus years of seeing it and living it. It's no fluke. It's real.

God is real. He is merciful and compassionate. He is faithful and I am holding on to Him with every ounce of strength I possess. (which He supplies by the way) How arrogant to think I muster it on my own!

Obviously 2011 has entered with an adventure or two! And some things I know for certain is that God is faithful, He loves me and His mercies are new every single day. That is what I want this blog to be about---what God is doing in my life--and Who He is.

Happy New Year!!

Bonnie

Good things!!!!!

2010-12-28T21:47:00.002-05:00

Psalm 103: 5 tells me that God "satisfies my years with good things."

Psalm 84:11 declares: "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD gives grace and glory; no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."

James 1:17 says, "Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above..."

48. But more like 54. Every night, from mid November until mid April. That was the mean temperature of our bedroom. In 2004, we ripped out the carpet because of my asthma. We tried to use the electric heater attached to the wall, but it was full of dust from no use and would set me off to a coughing spree...

We resorted to a space heater and Mom lovingly bought us a very, very nice electric blanket. At least two of the four bedrooms in the back of the house had forced air heat, from a propane furnace. Tim and I did not like using it much because of the crazy expense of propane, so we always kept those bedrooms cool.. I called it the artic zone or the meat house, depending on my mood.

After the folding up of our airplane business, we suffered from financial troubles. BIG ones. No extra money existed to supply the wood boiler, baseboard heat we wanted for the back of the house.

We prayed. I prayed. All of our dear friends prayed. Nothing happened. I mean nothing.

I dreaded winter. Even after we were debt free (save for the mortgage) we would get money saved up and something would break. You know what I mean...Life happened. Then I got cancer...and who cares about heat in your bedroom when you are fighting for your life???

Today, after 6 long, chilly years, my bedroom is now a comfy 68 degrees! Rachel's bedroom, Hannah's bedroom and Teresa's bedroom each have snazzy baseboard heaters, radiating the warmth from our outdoor wood boiler!!!!!!!!!!!!! Goodbye propane furnace! (except for maybe when we're gone) It only took the guy 3 days to install all the stuff!! Wow was he good!!

Tim can attest that he walked in on me--in our warm bedroom, on my knees, giving thanks to my heavenly Daddy...oh thank You Father, for my hard working, steel poundin' man--thank You for using his work to bring us the money, so we could have this done!! Thank You.....

God gives good things--and they are from Him. Whether it's wood boiler heat in my bedroom, or my daughter finding a pair of sweatpants for $3.00, it's all from God.

Before I go to bed(in a warm bedroom!!), I am going to do a happy dance for all He has done!!

He is faithful,

Bonnie

We can do hard

2010-12-27T22:11:00.003-05:00

I like that statement don't you? It's from Mary Beth Chapman's book Choosing to SEE.

Here it is in context:

"Even in this free fall of pain, I've landed on a solid foundation and my faith has held..on most days. I have learned that God is good...always. Hope is real. I have found--even in the awful pain of tears and grief so intense you think it will kill you--that my family and I can do hard. We'll never get over our loss, but we're getting through it. "

I cannot fathom the loss of a child, like the Chapman family has experienced. Period. I cannot fathom the loss of a spouse. Exclamation point. What stands out here, is the truth to her statements-

-God is good--always. Amen...

--The loss will always be there --you never get "over it." Recovery is a word which leads to the misguided notion that after a while, you should be "over it."

--And that loss effects everyone in the family--which I still am finding out about years later from my cancer and the loss of my brother. Children process grief way differently than grown ups--mine are no exception.

She accomplished her goal. She brought comfort to me-- a sister in Christ with what she calls "similar pain." Thank you Mary Beth...thank You Lord, for using her pain to bring comfort to someone she has never met..

Definitely worth your time to read this year.

For those of you who prayed for my Christmas miracle..

God gave it in ways I would have never, ever contrived.

He is so amazing...

You are faithful Lord,

Bonnie

Dead duck/forgiveness

2010-12-23T21:48:00.003-05:00

Guest post I found at a friend's blog.

God at the Window

There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner. As he was walking back he saw Grandma’s pet duck.

Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head, and killed it. He was shocked and grieved.

In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see his sister watching! Sally had seen it all, but she said nothing.

After lunch the next day Grandma said, “Sally, let’s wash the dishes.” But Sally said, “Grandma, Johnny told me he wanted to help in the kitchen. Then she whispered to him, “Remember the duck?” So Johnny did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, “I’m sorry but I need Sally to help make supper.” Sally just smiled and said,” Well that’s all right because Johnny told me he wanted to help.” She whispered again, “Remember the duck?” So Sally went fishing and Johnny stayed to help.

After several days of Johnny doing both his chores and Sally’s… he finally couldn’t stand it any longer.

He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug, and said, “Sweetheart, I know.

You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Sally make a slave of you.”

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done, and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.) whatever it is, you need to know that God was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.

He’s just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you. The great thing about God is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He forgets. It is by God’s grace and mercy that we are saved. God is at the window.

Author unknown

"As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." Psalm 103:12

"Never pay back (yes it says never-no wiggle room sorry) pay back evil for evil to anyone. Romans 12:17

"Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32

Thank You Lord, for forgiving me..
I love You Lord,
Bonnie

Immanuel

2010-12-22T10:48:00.002-05:00

God with us. That is what Immanuel means. Michael Card asked the question Sunday night, "What does God want?"
I whispered to Tim, "to be with us."
That's what Michael said too. What an amazing, humble, incredible musician he is!!

If you look at God in the Old Testament, He has always been with His people. Always. After Adam and Eve ate from the tree, and they were cowering in the garden, God was there, looking for them. The thought that they could hide from God astounds me, but hey, they did.
In the desert, He manifested His glorious self to Moses in a bush that was not consumed.
A pillar of fire.
A cloud by night.
He confined Himself to a space in a tent, called the Holy of Holies.
Then to an ornate, lavish building called the Temple. His presence was there, behind the veil.

400 years of silence. The New Testament begins with...
Gabriel the mighty angel stands in the presence of God, and he is sent on an earthly mission--see Luke 1:19--
Gabriel tells Zacharais the priest, he will be silenced, because he did not believe God's birth announcement for a baby called John.
Elizabeth, feels this baby LEAP in her womb, because John as a "fetus" recognizes the presence of another baby--holy flesh, encased in Mary's womb--Jesus Christ--the coming One--the Messiah--is on earth in human flesh!

Immanuel.

I've used the term before of" God squeezed into baby skin." I mean no disrespect to my Lord God at all, I mean to magnify the significance of a holy God, stooping to grow in a teen's womb, to be birthed in a cave with animals and all that animals bring--
and to be wrapped in rags
and laid in a feeding trough.

Immanuel.
Our God is with us.
And if God is with us,
who can stand against us?
Our God is with us,
Immanuel.
(Michael Card's song titled Immanuel)

I love you Lord,
thank You for the gift of Your Son Jesus.
You are the best gift giver ever..

thank You for Your faithfulness,
Bonnie

Christmas Bird Count

2010-12-16T17:28:00.006-05:00

Tuesday, Teresa and I participated in the 111th Christmas Bird Count!! From the Arctic Circle to Antarctica and the continents in between, millions of our feathered friends are viewed and tallied for the Audubon Society. Teresa and I did a feeder count our first time--I would have gone out in the field, but had a prior commitment--and wow whee, did we have fun, counting all those birdies!!!

Tally at the Zowada feeder:
Chickadees: 70
Goldfinch: 51
Pileated Woodpecker: 1
Nuthatch: 6
Red breasted nuthatch: 7
Ravens: 4
Mourning Dove: 2
Pine siskins: 2

I have always loved birds...my Grandma Houck, my Dad's mom, loved them too. Her backyard was a bird eating buffet--suet for the woodpeckers, millet and corn and sunflower seeds strewn about in feeders and on the ground and ears of corn for the squirrels. My Dad followed in her footsteps because we always had a feeder in the backyard, for viewing from the kitchen table- the same one we have now, in our home..

Our dilapidated feeder sit askew--it belonged to my Daddy--and I cannot bear to get rid of it--but I think it's time.

Praises for the past few weeks:
Hannah got nominated for that scholarship I told you about, the USA Today All Academic Team!!!
She goes to Lansing in April, with 8 other college students, gets to enjoy a meal at the Capital and then will discover who won!!
Yes, we are proud parents!! Thank You Lord, for our daughter.. the glory goes to YOU!

I've experienced many, many answers to prayer for others---people in our small group, a new Christian I've been mentoring/discipling , and one college girl of mine, with her heavy final exam load.
God has been so faithful to allow me to see answers and to hear the people exclaim His name and be thrilled to see Him at work...it brings my heart such joy!

Rachel's horse Ollie, is back home now and looks like a totally different horse! You cannot see his ribs anymore and he has spunk again.

We have a gorgeous Christmas tree, hand picked by Rachel and Teresa. Kind of a curvy trunk, but hey, it's "real."

Tim got his "Michi-gane" razor and knife finished..the steel is from the sands of Lake Superior shoreline--all that ore got smelted into an ugly chunk of steel and forged into a blade!
The razor has a whitetail deer antler for the scales, from a deer my Dad shot! How awesome is that?! My brother would have liked to see that...
And the knife is a hunter and has Michigan maple--straight from our woodpile and Michigan copper for the spacer.
I'm so proud of my husband!! He is amazing!!
If you are interested in seeing them go facebook and look up Zowada Custom Knives.

We are going to hear Michael Card in Traverse City Sunday night. He is performing his album called The Promise...oh I can hardly wait! Nathan has to work, bummer... Mom will be with us.

Been memorizing more of God's Word. Matthew 5, all of it, by the end of the year is my goal.

Our home school is on official Christmas Break!! Hannah is done with college until the 13th of January!!!! She graduates in May!!!
YA HOO!!!

Prayer please:
Our boy needs to find another place to call home by January 4th. Please pray as he seeks God for direction!

I have an ENORMOUS unspoken. Pray for one of those Christmas miracles--God size! I'm trusting Him and believing He can.

Thank you....

He is faithful,
Bonnie

"Guest"post/ I wonder

2010-12-07T23:01:00.002-05:00

From my daughter's blog:

www.achinglytransparent.blogspot.com

I wonder.

I have spent a lot of time the past two days thinking about Mary. During the Christmas season, we talk about baby Jesus, the Wisemen, the Shepherds, Kind Herod, and even the donkey. But sometimes I think we lose track of Mary a bit.

I've been wondering what it would have been like to be Mary. And I say wonder, because I mean I have literally stayed awake at night, thinking about it. To be betrothed to Joseph, waiting to marry him. To be young and excited and in love. And then all of a sudden, she finds out that she is pregnant. And not just randomly pregnant(not that it ever is random.. But that's the best word I could come up with), she is pregnant with the Savior of the whole world. The doubt she experienced had to have been overwhelming at first... In herself, and her ability to mother Jesus, in what Gabriel told her.

I can't imagine what it was like for Mary...

To feel Him kick for the first time.

To sing to Him while she carried Him.

To hold Him in the stable, keeping Him close so He would stay warm.

To rock Him, quieting His cries.

To feed Him.

To bathe Him.

To wipe His chubby baby cheeks after He ate.

To hold His hands as He learned to walk.

To hear His first words.

To tickle Him.

To tuck Him into bed, kissing His forehead.

To make His favorite meals as a starving teenager.

To watch Him go off, preaching to those who hated Him.

To see Him nailed to the cross, watching as He died.

To have Him speak to her, moments before He died. The same voice she had heard for the last thirty-some years.

Mary had a relationship with Jesus I don't think any of us can quite understand. She was not only one of the people He had come to save, she was His Mom.

I wonder if she joked with Him. I wonder if she ever crept into His room while He slept and sat by His side, wondering exactly what was in store for Him. I wonder if she ever prayed for Him to be spared. I wonder if she ever got mad at Him. I wonder if she would tell people "that's my son." I wonder if He ever comforted her when she was doubting or fearful.

She was chosen for an incredible task. She probably doubted. She probably wondered why she was the chosen one. But she depended upon God for the strength to carry out the task that was given her, and raise the one who would become her Savior. She was fully committed to the task that God have given her, a task that would take most of her life.

Shouldn't it be the same way with us? Shouldn't we be committed to Him for our LIFE? Asking Him for help when we are afraid, or doubting that we are able to accomplish what we have been given? To trust, even when we have no clue what is going on? To ask Him to hold us together, when it seems as all is falling apart around us?

I think like Mary did, we should.

I love you Hannah
Mom

Backwards Migration

2010-12-04T18:36:00.003-05:00

This past week, a silver birdie "flew" into my home. From the south to the north, thus the title, backward migration! It bore a message that quickened my soul--it perches upon a rock simply stating, H-O-P-E.
I also received a book entitled 101 simple and thoughtful ways to give this Christmas away by Matthew West,
AND
the most beautiful, hand crafted bracelet with a bead resembling the silver birdie!!

I won a friend's giveaway she had on her blog. I was supposed to tell how we "do Christmas differently."
Here's what I wrote:
"We have only done Christmas "differently" since cancer came to our home in 2007 (My brave friend Bonnie is a cancer survivor) . That year, it was only homemade gifts. Period. No cheating with stocking stuffers either. That was my favorite Christmas ever. Precious. Tender. Lasting. This year we are planning on a mild version of stocking stuffers and then going for a long weekend together. All of us. Christmas has always been about people, not stuff.

She drew my name out of her name basket, and there I was!!! Yippee!!!!

Thank you Tina, you bless my heart so incredibly! The proceeds from her beautiful braclets go to support babies at the Morning Star Family Home in Beijing, China. She writes, "The tiny bird bead represents hope that one day, every orphan, big and small, will be chosen and free-to fly away home."
Here's the link to that site: http:/morningstarproject.blogspot.com

Yes indeed, that tiny birdie represents hope and I can hardly wait til the snow melts to place his declaration in our HOPE garden!!

Thank you Lord for fun gifts! You are HOPE Lord. You alone.

You are Faithful,
Bonnie

Snowshoes!!

2010-12-02T18:43:00.002-05:00

I kept feeling this bump on the back end of my snow shoe--I thought it was the weeds or a clod of snow--so I looked back and it was our dog, stepping on the end of my snow shoe! I guess he got worn out from breaking his own trail and wanted me to do it for him!

We have about 6 inches of beautiful, fluffy snow with more coming down. I walked up the power line hill tonight, soaking up the loveliness...I absolutely love snowshoeing (sp?) in God's creation...

After 5 days of turkey,we'd had enough!!! Where's the beef???That red meat sure tasted good! By the way, we baked a huge bird--Tim got a fresh, farm raised one as a thank you for working on someone's gun! Yummy!
No deer yet, but our neighbor brought down a buck he shot and gave it to us. He is the only one is his family who likes venison! Can you believe that? What a great guy!! It was all gutted out and is now hanging, waiting for Tim to begin processing it. We do it ourselves; the girls like grinding for burger and I help Tim wrap up all the chunks and roasts. I am back to hunting with bow and arrow. I think on the 10th I can use a black powder gun, so I will try that too. I should be in pretty good shape hauling up and down that hill to get to my "spot."

While I trudged up the huge hill tonight, I kept thinking about Psalm 103: 1-5

Bless the LORD, O my soul;
and all that is within me, bless His holy name.
Bless the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not His benefits.
Who pardons all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases;
Who redeems your life from the pit;
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion;
Who satisfies your years with good things,
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle.

My words cannot change your life. I am a woman who loves God. But God's Word can change your life, if you believe it. I think that is what this blog is about--believing God, no matter what.
So tonight,
I am focusing on those bold words,
Pardons--
Heals--
Redeems--
Crowns--
Satisfies--

Thank You Lord, for changing my life.
Thank You too, for snowshoes!

You are faithful,
Bonnie

The next room

2010-11-26T09:58:00.003-05:00

One day last week I attended a funeral for a young man. He was almost 50 and had a fatal heart attack. I was doing alright until the mom and her five children walked in and occupied the whole front pew..He was a believer in Christ and now resides in Heaven. God's grace covered them all, it was blatantly obvious.

Fast forward to Monday, and I was given a quotation. I have read many things since Steve's death on loss, grieving, Heaven, comfort and suffering. Looking back, there are a scant handful that truly helped me gain the perspective I desperately needed. Even "christian" articles and books treated grieving as something you recover from, eventually. When I say grieving, I am speaking to the catastrophic type of event which alters your life permanently...a terminal illness, death of a loved one, betrayal--huge, pain filled, heart shattering events.
Lately, I find myself like a sponge, soaking up the wisdom presented in these books/articles/quotations because they are focusing on my response to all this pain--what do I do with it? How do I bring glory to God through it? How does God see me through it?

These are my favorite few:
Jerry Sittser's book A Grace Disguised: how the soul grows through loss,
The Bible, especially the Psalms
John Piper's little booklet entitled "Don't Waste Your Cancer"
A Place of Healing by Joni Eareckson Tada
and I don't have it yet, but have heard that Steven Curtis Chapman's wife, Mary Beth, wrote a book entitled "Choosing to See" I want to read it over Christmas break.
And this quotation I am sharing with you now..

The woman who gave me this is 6 tender months into her grief. Her husband and father of 3, died tragically one spring day..she loves Jesus Christ with every broken piece of her heart and she was SO excited to share this with me (she knows about Steve's death)

Read it as if the person you miss so is speaking to you.

"Death is nothing at all--I have only slipped away into the next room. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Laugh as we always laughed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without effort. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was; there is absolutely unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of your mind because I am out of your sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval. Somewhere, very near just around the corner. All is well; nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before, only better, infinitely happier and forever. We will, all be one together with Christ!
A passage from the Carmelite monastery in Tallow County Waterford, Ireland

Amen..
There is hope in Christ, not only is this life we live but in the life to come!
Here is defined by a line seperating our date of birth and our date of death, on our grave marker. Here, we are to live as Christ, to bring glory to God with our brief lives.

Eternity has no measure. It simply is. We will be in God's presence, beholding His glory and we will see Him face to face..it gives me goosebumps...

Thank You Lord for giving me hope,
Bonnie

Answered prayer

2010-11-24T22:39:00.004-05:00

I watched mom, in her Binga mobile, leave this morning. She had a meeting downtown Petoskey. Snow and rain left a slippery conglomeration of stuff on the ground and I was concerned for her, having to park even a few blocks away.

The girls and I were doing school and so I prayed outloud, "Lord, please give mom a close parking spot, so she won't have to walk far..please Lord.."
After she got home, she told me there were 6 spots, on BOTH sides of the street, right in front of the door she needed to get into. No, it was not early morning. About 11:00am actually.

Here we are waiting for her biopsy results and I am praying for a close parking spot..the contrast is lopsided only when compared to the "big stuff" like benign or malignant.

One thing I have learned through my cancer journey is not to compare prayers and the answers to those prayers. When I do, I am focusing more on the answer than the One Who holds it and knows. I can remember many, many times being jealous, I mean, green with envy, towards somone who had an answer to their prayer, while I still waited. This is me before cancer-- "God, can't You see me? Don't you care?? Why do they get their answer and I do not?? Have I done something wrong? Can't you see what I do for You??"

God wants me to seek after Him and prayer is the vehicle for that seeking. It is a way of life, not simply some act I perform and then wait, while tapping my foot , for God to perform.

I am on my way to town and the phone rings.. I hear Mom crying...my heart is instantly in my throat..
"I just got a call from the Dr's office...."
"The nurse said it's benign and is called a fibroid cluster of something.."

I pulled over and grabbed my daughter's hands and we thanked God for His answer. Oh God thank You...

Tonight as mom stood in the kitchen, tears made her eyes shiney..she was listening to our praise music while we prepared a celebratory stir fry..
I gave her a big hug..

Father thank You for helping us through a difficult, anxiety prone few days. Thank You for Your presence with Mom and our family.. Thank You for the prayers uttered by Your people. Thank You for your answer..Thank You for how You are my rock and my salvation when my heart is waiting..

Thank You for the words I read this morning from Psalm 62 before I knew her test results..

"My soul waits in silence for God alone, from Him is my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold, I shall not be greatly shaken."

Bless each of you this Thanksgiving,
He is faithful,
Bonnie

Flip flop chick

2010-11-23T21:34:00.002-05:00

I normally walk outside because I love being there. Even when it's windy, cold, snowy, it just doesn't matter. I love the rawness of it all and it reinvigorates my soul!!

Well..
Tonight I got out of a meeting late (5pm) and it was already getting dark.. I really wanted to walk down by the bay..but common sense opted for the local college track.

I get on my jazz, say hi to a few people, walk with a friend and then I see her. FLIP FLOP CHICK.

The love handles on one side, were exposed, and I finally decided it wasn't intentional..must've been a clothing malfunction(don't ask) The clothing she chose to wear accentuated bouncing and jiggling. Her right hand swung WAY back behind her with every, flip floppin' step! This woman was comfortable in her own skin and she was "workin' it" if you know what I mean!!!!!!!!!!!

Meanwhile, me, comfortable in my own skin as a 49 year old gal can be, was to trying desperately to pass! I do this when I go to the gym and I usually feel pretty good about myself if I can catch someone who is really hoofin' it and pass them--it's the competitive she beast in me...

Flip flop babe kept glancing over her shoulder--and each time I got relatively close, she would speed up!!!

See why I like walking outside??

I must admit I did finally RUN past her, if only for a few steps---I couldn't handle the drama any longer!!!!

Sigh...

****************************************************************
Mom was over for homemade chicken pot pie tonight....yummy...Teresa made the crust for it today--it sure tasted good.And Teresa and I also made what we affectionately call "the guts" of the pot pie.. I even added some bok choy to it and it sure tasted amazing!!
We are still waiting for the results of Mom's biopsy--and it is obvious to me God's people are praying because I am at peace and so is she. Thank you so much....I am finding great comfort in knowing and believing
God already knows what the "results" are.

Once more, in a situation like this, where fear and anxiety threaten to undo me,
I turn to God's Word.

Isaiah 41:10 says, "Do not fear, for I am with you." That's God talking.

Isaiah 40:30, 31 states, " Though youths grow weary and vigorous young men stumble badly,
yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength..." Another way to say wait here is "hope in."

That is what I am doing, Mom is too. We are hoping in the Lord, no matter what. He is our strength, in all situations. ALL.

You are faithful Lord,
Bonnie

Biopsy

2010-11-21T20:53:00.002-05:00

Needles. Poking. "This will feel like a bee sting (ya-godzilla bee)." Or "think positive thoughts."
Ummm..not sure I follow that one because when you are poking around in my breast with a HUGE needle and it hurts, I find it difficult to think in such a manner. It's more like, "Jesus help me---pleeassseee!!!"

Little ramblings from my memory banks on my last biopsy. Jesus did help me through it. As He will help my mom.....

Tomorrow my mom has a biopsy on a spot in her breast. Her mammogram came back with this news-that she needed to have this spot biopsied---I am glad we have the technology to do things like this, but it sure can usher in some anxiety!!

Phil. 4:6 says, " Be anxious for nothing.." This was back in the days before mammograms, but the people of God face horrific persecutions and the author who penned those words was himself in prison, awaiting execution. I think he knows of what he speaks--anxiousness and fear must have been lurking at his mind's door continually....but when "we are anxious for nothing and we go to God with our prayers and with gratefulness, the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

I will be with Mom and would love for you to cover her in prayer..pray that she will remember God's precious promises and that He will give her a song in the night--tonight as well as the proceeding nights until we find out what this lump is.

I find incredible solace in knowing that God holds her in the palm of His hand. My Mom, whom I love more than life itself, rests there, loved, cherished, treasured and well spoke of.
God speaks well of those whom He loves, Scripture says He boasts of us.

I love this verse in Isaiah 66:1,2

"Thus says the LORD, "Heaven in My throne and the earth is My footstool. Where then is a house you could build for Me? And where is a place that I may rest?
For My hand made all these things, thus all these things came into being.
But to this one will I look, to him who is humble and contrite of spirit and who trembles at my Word."

Idea here is that God is sovereign and BIG. How can we make anything for Him?? He made it all. Including us.
And His eyes look to those who are humble,
contrite of spirit
and who tremble at His Word.

Mom, that's you. Your humility graces your face tonight as you look to tomorrow. You are not afraid. You are trusting in the One Who made you. You can do this because you have a fear and reverence for God and for His Word. Thank you for stoking that fire in me---I love seeing you with your Bible on your lap, soaking up the words like they were life to you--because they are. It is comforting to me to see you clinging to Him for life. You are a tremendous example to me and your grandchildren of one trembling at His Word...

I love you and am praying like crazy for God's will to be done in your life--He holds you fast. May His peace guard your heart and mind..(mine too)

Your daughter,
Bonnie

I still do 26 years later

2010-11-18T20:59:00.008-05:00

Darling, you are the man God chose for me. I am grateful, humbled and thrilled you said I do all over again!! (Last year at our party)
For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, you have loved me like Christ has loved the church..with sacrifice and fierce love.
We spoke our original vows last year. You are so handsome!!
That kiss..has melted me for 26 years!!! Oh how I love you!
My strong, handsome son Nathan. Teresa, Rachel and Hannah, my three gorgeous daughters. Tangible visages of our love.

Last night we celebrated our 26th anniversary as a family. Tim and I were supposed to go out for dinner, ended up having Thai take out for 7!! Wow, was it good! There were even leftovers. Mom joined us and I sat there, soaking up my family. I am blessed beyond the ability to humanly measure. I am grateful for each one of them and the gifts they bring me. I am keenly aware of those I miss, so those thoughts meld into a blend of sweetly sad.

I love my husband more that I ever thought I could. Our life together has been crammed full of fun, 4 children, little money, lots of love, cars that make us crazy, serving God in church, diapers, meals around the table, trips out west, giving things away in secret, deaths of our fathers, financial stress, sick children in the night, singing, prayer, cancer, more prayer, lying together at night wondering outloud to God for our future, and more than this blog post could hold...

Tim-
You have stayed with me darling. You have loved me when I am unlovely. You have chose to encourage me, challenge me and pray with me. You forgive easily and hold no grudges. You are a great dad to our babies. I love you with all my heart.

Happy 26th my bold, daring, maverick man,
your wife

Almost Wordless Post

2010-11-14T20:49:00.005-05:00

Tim did not make this knife, but he gave it to someone as a project to learn how to sharpen. I just received a package this week and LOOK!! Isn't it beautiful?? This man cleaned it up and sharpened it for me! He did make the sheath, which is gorgeous-- has some sort of reptilian skin on it and on the back side, it says BONNIE!! Thank you heaps and buckets full Mr. V from Illinois!! I hope I get a deer tomorrow to try it out!!!!
Look out Bambi's cousin!!
I love this photo of my brother...such a sweet smile on his face. I miss you brother..will grief ever become easier??
Shorty (Teresa) and I after her piano concert this summer. She played The Old Rugged Cross and I sang along. I love to hear the music they all play, drifting around in my home..I absolutely adore the look on her face...

Words to a song we sang this morning:

I have a Maker, He formed my heart.
Before even time began, my life was in His hands.

He knows my name.
He knows my every thought.
He sees each tear that falls,
and hears me when I call.

I have a Father.
He calls me His own.
He'll never leave me
no matter where I go.

He knows my name.
He knows my every thought.
He sees each tear that falls,
and hears me when I call...

What a faithful, intimate Lord ..thank You Lord for knowing me, loving me and hearing me when I call,
You are faithful,
Bonnie

Faithful God

2010-11-12T22:11:00.003-05:00

My relationship with the Lord...I so thankful and grateful He is faithful to me- that He doesn't give up on me, nor zot me into oblivion when I do something dumb, mean or downright disobedient. I am not deserving of His love and faithfulness, yet He gives it.

All through cancer, He has been faithful. By that I mean, He has not left me. He has not given up on me and said, "Well, Bonnie girl, you are a lost cause." His character and His attributes are not dependent on me. (thank goodness) I know this because I believe Him.

We learned in our Bible study this past week that there is difference, a HUGE one, between
believing in God
and BELIEVING GOD.

Do you see it?

Faith.

"Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." Heb 11:1
"And without faith, it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is
and that He is a rewarder of those who earnestly seek Him." Heb 11:6

Faith is the sturdy, necessary bridge spanning the chasm of believing about God to belief. I came to Christ over 30 years ago and I believed that Jesus died for my sin. I believed His atoning death on a terrible cross and I bowed my head and heart to His resurrection from death and hell, which brought me, little ole' Riverdale me, life--eternal life..it also ushered me into life here on earth.

It didn't take long for me to realize that although I was a believer in Jesus Christ, life wasn't fair or easy.
I had to move from believing about God, to believing God as I walked through sorrow and heartache and pain.
"What do you mean God, all things work together for good? If one more person shares that verse with me, I'm going to sock them! Hard!!"
This was how I felt after my dad died..for a long while..

30 years of experiences and trials have given me opportunities to believe. I haven't always-- yet
each time I have, God has met me, with open, loving arms, to hold me and weep with me. He always know what my soul needs. Always. He is such a faithful Father to me....

I read this quotation this week which bolsters how I view God's faithfulness ---

"I found Him faithful yesterday. He will not be unfaithful today."

Bonnie

Guest post from my daughter Hannah

2010-11-11T13:07:00.002-05:00

Keep Your Tongue!

If you haven't gathered it by now, you will soon.. I absolutely LOVE kids. Babysitting is not a drudgery for me. Teaching KidZone is not a "have to."

Why?

Besides the fact that they're adorable, because they're so blunt!

Quotes from today in KidZone:

"Uno, dos, tres, quatro... That's Dora's language."

"We have two cats. One's name is Angel, but we call her Paingel because she's a pain."

"Singing Jesus songs is the best-est."

"She babysitted me and my brother back when I was 4 (because that was.. Um... 2 months ago =))"

"I don't want to do this anymore, I just want to sit here and be bored."

"I'm going to sit with you because you're pretty."

"I'm the last kid here. My parents didn't forget me though, they're just busy talking."

I love how blunt they are! Granted, there is a fine line between being blunt and being rude, but for the most part they speak what they think.

I wish more people my age would do that... You rarely know if you're offending someone, if you did something that was 'too much,' if you honestly hurt their feelings, or even if you have something stuck in your teeth! We're so focused on being "proper," that we forget it's okay to be truthful, as long as we lace it with love.

The tongue is our greatest asset and our greatest downfall. We use it to praise, and curse. To love, and hurt. To build, and break. In James 3 it talks about how the "tongue is a fire." (Side note - I knew there were a lot of verses in the Bible about speech/tongue but I really had no idea there were as many as there are... It's definitely worth looking at.) The tongue, as it says, is a small part of the body, but the most powerful. It's like the rudder on a ship or the bit in a horses mouth, and no one can tame it.

The easiest way to "tame" it is to censor it. If you wouldn't say it with God (or your parents, for that matter..) sitting in front of you, keep your mouth shut. If it is meant to hurt, degrade, put-down, or insult someone, shut your mouth! Bite your tongue if you have to... It will save you some pain in the long run.

Be blunt, speak the truth, but speak it in love. Strive to build others up, encourage them, and be honest! You won't regret it, and they will thank you for it... (eventually).

*****************************************************************

Bottom line readers: words can be instruments of healing or torturous implements of pain and malice. God did not make me a robot, He gave me a choice, to love Him and obey Him. I do not have to. I want to. And I have a choice how I use my words as well. I am not perfect, but I do seek forgiveness when I have wounded another.

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh words stirs up strife." Prov 15:1

"Like apples of gold in settings of silver, is a word spoken in right circumstance." Prov. 25:12

And lastly, one of my favorites, from Psalm 34:1
"I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall be continually in my mouth."

Thank you dear daughter for an insightful post. I am so grateful God is at work in your heart!!

Help me Lord, to use my mouth to bring blessing--this blog too--which is my "mouth" on the screen.

You are faithful,
Bonnie

Paying it forward

2010-11-08T21:57:00.002-05:00

I use this term everso lightly. Pay it forward= when someone does you a good deed, you then reciprocate. Basically. I don't think we need someone to do something for us to then in turn, make us do something, but that is fodder for another post.

My third born and I had an opportunity to serve a local family. My daughter Rachel is amazing. We show up and she jumped in, and started helping. She painted next to me, in their kitchen, we dabbed our brushes in to the same paint pan, she helped organize cupboards with food donations and then she ended up helping hold the paint container for me while I was on the ladder. She managed to get way more paint in her hair than I did though!!

What makes this precious to my Mommy's heart is that Rachel served and I'm proud of her. More importantly, she served because she knows what it is like to have her mom sick with cancer and treatments and radiation and have others show up to help.
This family's mom has lung cancer and they have 8 children...

We both left tired but glad to have been able to be there and contribute something..

God has given me 4 children and I love seeing how they are able to turn their faith in Jesus Christ into different ways to serve God. Each of them is different with beautiful gifts.
Rachel is my strong, shy, quiet girl but she has much to say when she does speak. She works SO hard outside--yesterday we hauled 4.5 cords of wood and each trip back, she'd stay and stack what we dumped out of the truck--every stick of it, and it looks incredible!!..she has been such a huge help to me this fall with all the leaves to rake..

She also has a beautiful singing voice. I am blessed with these tiny snippets of her singing when she doesn't know I hear her--and it's quite lovely..

One of my favorite times of the day is when we start school. I have been choosing a song from the hymnal and we sing together. I love to hear my children sing--it sets the tone for the rest of the morning too.

I hear Rachel's voice, strong and steady, blending with my old croaky voice and Teresa's tender tones and it blesses my heart in ways I find hard to put into words..

I love you Rachel Sue--you are one of God's precious gifts to my heart and life! I'm so proud of you for serving that family. I'm so proud that you are my daughter!

Check out Rachel's blog--yes, I have another daughter who writes/blogs/facebooks!!

It is www.rachelbelieve.blogspot.com

Good night from one very blessed and grateful mom..

I love You too Lord,
Bonnie

Tips 6, 7, 8.9 and 10!

2010-11-06T21:41:00.002-04:00

What helped me in my journey with breast cancer...continued..

Tip # 6) I let people help me. The idea is not to rob them of being a blessing to me and my family. I decided not to let pride have it's ugly way. Sure, people may not do things the way I do, but let them try--it is their gift of love!

Tip #7) Get exercise--anything is better than sitting and holding down the couch..I had some pretty rough days and obviously, couldn't walk and throw up simultaneously, but that's not what I 'm talking about. Even when I felt yucky and wasn't throwing up, I would walk just a little ways. It did help me feel better physically and emotionally. Stats say after your treatment, that exercise 4-5 times a week for 30 minutes is incredibly good at staving off a recurrence. So get out there and walk!! It's easy and you will feel better.

Tip#8) Consider what I have heard called a "new normal." Life will be different. It's alright..I was tired, worn out and exhausted after all the junk my body went through. That's ok. I got very, very frustrated by trying to accomplish what I did before cancer. 3 years later, I am way stronger but still have some limitations. "New normal" is now a familiar term in my home.

Tip#9) I decided to stop comparing my story to other women's stories. Some ladies have ran marathons, rode their bikes all over tarnation and written books--like right after they were done with their treatments!!!!! That may be you--but it sure was not me! And you know what? I am ok with that. We are all different and our bodies respond differently. I shot my first ever buck when I was bald, still getting chemotherapy!!! My FIRST ever buck!!! Pretty cool huh? See how different we are??

Tip#10) Music--especially praise music and hymns, helped me through chemo, rough nights and sad days. I remember all the songs I listened to during chemo sessions and they remain precious to my heart, even now.
My favorite hymn? Be Still my Soul...
One of my favorite praise songs? O How He Loves Us by D. Crowder

God loves you whether you are fighting cancer, someone you love is,
or you are simply reading this blog..
You are loved with an everlasting love dear reader and underneath you are the Everlasting Arms.

He is faithful,
Bonnie

Top 5

2010-11-05T22:20:00.002-04:00

I wanted to share what has helped me the most, personally, through cancer and beyond.
I know it's November and no longer Breast Cancer Awareness Month, yet there are still pink bags of potato chips on the shelves at Meijer. And pink ribbons on eggs. Sigh.......

The Top 5 for me

#1) Hands down, my faith in God and a relationship with Jesus Christ. I don't just believe in God, I believe God. I believe His Word, the Bible. I believe He is my very present help in trouble. I believe He loves me. Where would I be without Him???

#2) My husband and my family. They encouraged me, loved me, prayed with me and made me laugh. My brother was an enormous encouragement to me. Amy and the boys too. My Mom is the best prayer warrior ever. She never gave up. I had so many loved ones sending me cards, gifts and telling me to fight. I was overwhelmed with their love and their prayers.

#3) Prayer. There are things I prayed that were only meant for Jesus' ears.. Intimate, precious prayers, laden with sobs and tears..only Jesus knows what my mouth uttered. I prayed too with my children, my husband and with others. They prayed for me over and over again.. I prayed when I felt lousy and prayed when I felt better. Prayer was my lifeline. It still is.

#4) Journaling. I love to write. When you pen your darkest moments and your sweetest victories, it give credence to God's invisible, yet faithful hand, in your life. It gave me an outlet.

#5) Talking with people who breathed life into me, letting other "advice" go.
It's weird how when you have a disease that can kill you, people seem to want to tell you about someone they knew---notice the tense of that word--that means they died..this is not helpful, and it bred fear in my mind. I tried to be gracious because I know I have done the same thing...so if that happens to you, let it go! People feel so uncomfortable and say the dumbest things..thus the advice, cling to those who are life breathers into your soul. Let the rest go.

************
More to come..I need to get to bed...

God loves you reader. There is nothing you've done or said that He cannot forgive. There is no place you can hide from Him. He desires to have a relationship with you. He wants you to know Him, not just know about Him..

He is faithful to me,
Bonnie