Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Well, it doesn't hurt as much as it did a few days ago but wow whee, am I achy, sore, tired and weak. I am trying not to think, "This is coming 3 more times..." because I know God got me through the last 4 nasty drugs, He can get me through these. He is so faithful......
People tell me to "be strong." Well you know what? I can't. In of myself, I have no strength. Only through Jesus Christ do I have strength and that includes physical as well as spiritual and emotional strength. I know people mean to stay positive, etc etc and they mean well for me, but doggone it, if I go in my own power you will be invited to the BIGGEST pity party you've been to in a long, long time!
I am tired of being sick. I am tired of not being normal anymore. Normal went out the window when I heard the cancer word on May 10th, and when I had my breast removed. Normal passed my by when they found more cancer, normal evaded me when I had an infection and got put in the hospital and missed most of Nathan's open house/graduation party.....
I am going for a NEW normal. It has less expectations for myself and others. It allows me to rest a lot without feeling guilty and it allows me to let the girls cook dinner and do laundry and help in other ways..when I feel ok, I do something I know I can but I am no longer going to beat myself up for not being "back in the saddle." I don't even have a horse!
My body is being assaulted by chemicals and it needs all I can do to fortify it right now. That has to take priority over a clean floor, over the bed being made and over school being done the way it "used" to be. It also means I will stay home from church when I feel dragged out and it definitely means I will stay away from Wal-mart as much as possible...(yippee!) It does mean I will let Teresa read to me more; she has just blossomed lately with reading and it is so exciting!
It also means I will pursue a new activity to keep my brain active, what yet I don't know. I will laugh more at Jack the dopey dog who got dressed up like a kitty this morning, and I am committing to memorizing more of God's Word with my girls.
This has all hit me in the last few days. I have been trying to be my old self and it wasn't working at all..I think I alluded to it a few blogs ago, but I am a slow learner when it pertains to my own inner workings I guess.
So I am remaining strong in the Lord as I trust Him for everything I need during this day.
When I feel yucky, I tell Him. He comforts me. When I am afraid that the new pain I feel is more cancer, I tell Him and He takes away the fear. When I am absolutely exhausted and wracked with pain, I think of a hymn or a praise song and it soothes my body better than vicadin.
He is so good to me.