Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Comedy About Tuesday

"Do you wanna know why Dolly Parton's feet are so small?" the old man asked me with a twisted grin on his face.
"No, not really," I stated and I meant it.
He must have needed his hearing aid turned up a notch or two, because he bellows out,
"Because nothing grows good in the shade!"
"Ha, ha, ha," I moaned.

I wanted to blast him with the fact that he was telling his coarse joke to a woman who had no breasts...but I decided to spare him the embarrassment.
I had been in the hospital only 2 minutes.
I had yet to register for my scan.
Tim had parked the car, Mom was already there and off we went to the main waiting room.

I hand the receptionist my official hospitally folder with a copy of the Dr's orders, etc.
I get comfy in my chair, resigned to slug down two barium drinks over the next hour.

Here she comes.
"Mrs. Zowada, um, we can fit you in today, but you may have to wait a little longer. Um, Mrs. Zowada your scan was scheduled for Thursday, not Tuesday.."
How can someone show up 2 days early for a CAT scan???????????????
I felt so dumb.
After I slobbered all over myself with apologies, she assured me it was alright.

Cutie pie nurse with the tied back blond hair comes in with a smug look, and hands me the raspberry flavored yuckness. 2 of them. I think she enjoys this part of her job.

One hour later, she fetches me. I am practically gagging, but I manage a smile and off I go.

"So how are you?" she says.

Have I met her somewhere else? Does she remember me?
She spoke to me with a familiarity that unnerved me.
I decide since I have already majorly embarrassed myself, I would play this REAL safe.
"Good," I say.

Now we are in the room, with the giant bazillion dollar machine screaming the name SEIMENS at us.
I lay down on the table and have to pull my pants down to my ankles. Thank goodness I do not have to don a dopey gown..
There are people in the little room to the side, where they all hide from the radiation, so I'm wondering anyone can see me.
I mean my legs. Privacy is only under the warm blanket they give me.

Blondie with the pulled back hair comes over with her needle.
"Just a poke," she tells me.
She gets the needle in, but can't get the line or whatever it is called up into my vein.
I hate it when they fish around like that!!
Just a poke huh?
Another try.
This time, it's my veins. The valve must be goofey. I do remember that veins have valves, so I at least feel like she knows of what she speaks.
She can't get this one in either.
"AMY!" she yells.
I sure hope Amy has better luck.
We small talk. She knows Nathan. Says he's a good kid, a hard worker.
I find out later, I was known as the lady who showed up 2 days early for her CAT scan...
Oh well.
After she successfully starts my IV and she plops this white, heavy pad onto my chest, and says giddy like, "For your boobies, so you don't get breast cancer!"
I said, "Um, I have already HAD breast cancer!"
"Well, so you don't get it again!" she pats them down, because you know and I know there are no boobies under there..

I never told her.

I honestly could not wait to get out of that room!!

This morning, it was minus 12 degrees. I was buzzing from the prednisone still, so I went for a 3.5 mile walk. I felt great! The cold didn't bother me at all. I even came back and got the dogs and took them for a short walk. I don't want people to think I am a meany, non humane dog owner. I have felt great all day long.

I got my hair cut this afternoon. I like it! I was starting to look like I had African heritage.
Mom and I went to Walmart afterwards and got a few groceries.
Had venison burritos when we got home.
Now we are going to watch the "fat" show and I am going to practice my Tang Soo Do moves.
Please pray for physical strength and good memory for Nathan and I and Teresa and Rachel.

I hope I get there on the right day!

He is faithful,


Sarah said...

It's a good thing you can laugh at your self! Those nurses and techs wont forget you! Until someone else does something better - probably by tomorrow. We all do things that make us feel silly, but then, you already know that!!
Thank you for sharing the comedy! Know that you are loved, no matter what!!!!!!!
Blessings, Mom ;-)

Kristine said...

My oh my, what a day for you! You are a true joy no matter whatever gets thrown onto your plate! :)

Love ya!