Endless Hallelujah after 3 years

For over a thousand days, I have grieved because of my brother's death.  Often I have wondered why I could not see him before he breathed his last breath.  To my grieving heart, it hurt more thinking and trying to deduce--why? People at the funeral home kept talking about saying goodbye and I never got to. I used to justify my thoughts with Mary--even she got to see her dying, suffering Son...why couldn't I? Why couldn't mom?
I've realized now, I can't go back and change it. I absolutely refuse to become bitter or unforgiving. My brother though a good man, was not the Jesus of my justifying.  We live in a sinful world where people make decisions and choices that do not honor God nor glorify Him.  It's over. Done.

One of the bedrocks of Godly grief is going back to what you DO know. Dwelling on what someone else did or what you should have done or X,Y and Z--well, it doesn't help you heal. It actually prolongs the suffering and produces great bitterness of heart and soul. 


What I DO know is this:
I know my brother is in Heaven.
I know he is beholding His savior's face.
I know he no longer hurts. Or suffers cancer's torment.
I know that he loved me. And he loved my mom.

He loves us now, where he dwells, my little brother. (that's what I called him because I'm older)

One day, I too will worship God in Heaven with an endless hallelujah--
and my brother will be right beside me.

Call me crazy but
that is how I must comfort my heart.
With truth.
With hope.

On the 19th of June, my brother walked into Heaven.  Brave still. Healed forever.
Miss him?
Like fire in my soul I do.

This song helps me heal.
Helps me remember where he is--
and Who he is with--
and what he is doing--
worshiping his King.

You are faithful,
Bonnie