This was an important week for me. I had been planning to go to my nephew's football game since early September. After my 4th tx Friday, my fatigue has hit a new level: high. What I could do even 2 weeks ago, I have a difficult time accomplishing now. I need naps daily and when I get up, I want to go right back to horitzontal...
I had a conversation with my dearest girlfriend and she said something that hit me like a 2x4. She said I need to let go of what I could do and embrace what I can do now. She also told me what I have heard a million zillion times, that this is a season. This fatigue will not last the rest of my life and I will be able to do more with greater energy after this is all over.
I needed to hear this because I was so torn between making myself drive 3 1/2 hours one way, watch football, drive 3/12 hours back home and simply staying put. I wanted to see my nephew play and it hurt to be a disappointment and stay home. My brother understood but it hit me hard...I knew I did not have the reserves to pull it off and it would have been foolish to try.
I am taking all of this in; the "this is only a season" and "let go of what you could do, etc" and during my journaling time I had another revelation. This time I realized deep down I was being motivated by fear. I wanted to go to his game so badly and was willing to compromise my health because way down in the core of my being I was wondering if this would be my last opportunity because of the cancer...I was going down the What If road fast. This road is paved with fear and nothing more.
Thankfully the girls and I have been studying faith all week long. This is no coincidence. I was reminded of what faith is, how to make my faith stronger and the verses we are memorizing cut right through the What If street and obliterated it!
The book of Hebrews tells me that "Without faith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." 11:6
From that gem I got encouragement rich and full for my sagging heart. From that truth I received strength because at that moment I chose to believe that He exists and believe that He rewards me when I come to Him in great earnest.
This is a fine line for me right now and I would appreciate your prayers that I would walk by faith, not fear. I didn't even realize what I had been doing. I think when your very life is threatened this becomes a dance you do each and every day.
Before I was diagnosed I never had this type of outlook. I didn't taint opportunities like the football game with thoughts like, "Well, I better go because next year I might be in a fatal car wreck. Or I should go because my house may catch on fire with me in it. Or I better drive down there because a tree might fall on me and crush me while I'm sleeping."
Since I didn't do this type of thinking before cancer, why should I now? The very same God loves me. The same God who created the fall leaves knows me better than my husband. The same God Who never sleeps created my body. He cares for me, little ole me here in Boyne Falls Michigan in my 1937 log home. He desires my faith in Him and He tells me that if I have the faith the size of a mustard seed, I can do great things.
Tim and I went out and celebrated the 1/2 way point tonight. We had steak and it tasted so good. My tummy afterwards didn't like it, but it is better now.
We also went to an apple orchard today, the whole family, plus Mom, and picked 1 1/2 bushels of apples. Ida Reds and Mutsus(green) I got some Cortlands too--wow are they awesome! It only took about 10 minutes because they are so big and so plentiful. On the way home we were treated to the glorious colors and stopped in East Jordan for lunch. Teresa threw pine cones at the gulls lurking around our table and we had fun together. It made my heart smile. I silently thanked my Lord for this time as I watched everyone around the table.
I never once let my mind go down the What If, fear paved road either. Thank You Father.
Keep praying please--love you all.