Friday, November 30, 2007

Beep beep-ba-beep!

For those of you who have been in the medical arena lately, this is the sound the little machine makes when your IV is finished. I watched the last drop of the taxol go down into the machine and when I heard that sound, I gave my Lord all the glory. When I left the building I felt the breeze on my face and lifted my hands to the Heavens and yelled" Yea!!! Hallelujah!!!!"

Psalm 118 says, " Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good, for His lovingkindness is everlasting...
From my distress I called upon the LORD; the LORD answered me and set me in a large place. (parking lot vs infusion center?) ( just being silly)
The LORD is for me; I will not fear; what can man do to me?

Tim and I had a lovely dinner tonight with our girls and Mom. Mom also was there today to be with us for the last treatment. That was nice to have her there. I love her so much!

On a technical note: to answer the "what's next?" question..my oncologist has been on a medical leave because her Mom is dying. Today we saw the only one on staff in the whole oncology department.
He said radiation was next, and it was "his" opinion that I need radiation because the cancer was involved in 4 or more lymph nodes. My oncologist, the one on leave, said adamantly, that I did not. When we told this Dr. that , he just said, this was his "opinion."
Sometimes Doctors and politicians are a lot alike...they give vague, save my behind answers and do not seem to have a genuine interest in your plight.
Obviously we want what is best to kill the cancer and once again, we beseech all of your for prayers of wisdom. For some of you, it may seem like a no brainer. But for me, since it involves aiming beams of radiation at my chest which harbours my heart and lungs, this is not a decision to make lightly. I do know the Lord Himself knows the number of my days on this earth, and I know that we wrestled with this greatly during our decision about chemo as well. But you know what? I have grown by LEAPS in my faith and I am not at the same place as I was in July when we were trying to come to a decision. People wondered why it took us "so long" to come to a decision. That hurt my heart because not only was I wrestling with the sheer terror of toxic chemicals being dumped into my body, I was also wrestling with God. I knew fear wasn't from Him. I knew what God's Word said about fear. But I had to make a choice to believe those precious promises.
You know what did it? Memorizing Psalm 91. Whispering it to my husband as I snuggled into his arms at night--every night for a long, long time. Speaking it as I walked with the dogs.. meditating upon it when I sat in the woods with my bow and then with my 32 Winchester special.. Writing it in my journal until it became part of my soul..it grew my faith like nothing else could and I am so grateful!

There is power and comfort and hope in that Psalm. I challenge any of you to memorize it!
If I can, it can't be that hard!
Now that I have it tucked into my heart, and now that I have had pain, vomiting and more pain for the last 16 weeks..my faith has grown. I have chose to trust Him, believe His word and act in faith. It hasn't been easy. Yet as I have chose to believe Him, He has revealed Himself to me over and over and over again. Last night, I was looking at all the cards I have received, as I sat in front of a roaring fire my husband made for me(he is so great!) and I was overwhelmed by God's love being poured out on pen and paper. The gifts that have come to me over the last six months, in the mail or in the form of homemade cheesecake or cookies, have been a delight and joy. The meals have been an illustration of God's timing and watchcare for my family.. they always just seem to show up on one of those "bad hair days."(did you catch that?) He loves lavishly and with such delight. It is overwhelming..

Thank You Lord God for using all your servants to minister Your grace and mercy to me and my family...I give you all the praise and glory and honor. Thank you servants!! I pray God will bless you mightily.

I will close with a verse I have learned with my girls.

It is from the book of I Peter 1:7
"These things(trials) have come, so that your faith, of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire, may be found genuine and may result in praise and glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."

Isn't that amazing?

Thank you for all your prayers.
Don't stop now. Even though chemo is finished, I have a lot of recovering to do and hair to grow back! That takes time! And of course, we need His wisdom with this new radiation deal. And no, I have not gotten my Christmas shopping done! This year, simple and homemade is the best and the kids are already on board and excited..I love them so much. I came home to a clean house, dinner in the oven and joy, pure joy!! It was awesome! The Lord has given us such great kids!

He is everso faithful,
Bonnie


P.S.
A poem entitled Step by Step by Barbara C. Rhyberg

He does not lead me year by year
nor even day by day.
But step by step my path unfolds;
my Lord directs my way.

Tomorrow's paths I do not know,
I only know this minute;
But He will say, "This is the way,
by faith now walk ye in it."

And I am glad that it is so
today's enough to bear;
And when tomorrow comes, His grace
shall far exceed its care.

What need to worry then , or fret?
The God who gave His Son
Holds all my moments in His hand
And gives them, one by one.

3 comments:

waitingfaithfully said...

Bonnie,

I've been thinking of you today! Hallelujuh for the beep beep-ba-beep! Thank you for sharing so much of your heart over your journey. I loved the poem, it made me think of Steven Curtis Chapmen's newest song, "Miracle Of The Moment" . . . beautiful lyrics about the wonder of the here and now! Praying for wisdom in your decision making, peace in your heart and STRENGTH in your body!

Love you,
Tina

Sarah said...

I love your humor ;-)
God will guide you this time as He has in the past. A friend at church had both treatments and is glad she did.
We continue to pray.
Love Mom

Linda said...

HUZZAH!!! Done with chemo!!! We celebrate with you!

Linda and Frank