Wednesday, May 7, 2008


"For Thou dost not delight in sacrifice, otherwise I would give it; Thou art not pleased with with burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, Thou wilt not despise." Psalm 51:16,17

After I got up, I felt like a load had been lifted off of my heart. Bitterness has no place in the heart of a believer in Jesus Christ. I had been secretly watering and some days, adding a dose of Miracle Gro, to this root of bitterness. I thought I had dealt with it, but the Holy Spirit, this past Sunday, urged me to go forward. Hint: when the Holy Spirit urges, don't ignore it!!

I cannot remember the last time I walked up front in a church. Most churches equate going up front, with a salvation decision or a rededication to Christ. If the sermon was about say, anger, we would be asked to lift up our hands, so the pastor could pray for us. I would slip up my hand and make sure it didn't touch my husband's arm or my children's, because I didn't want them to see Mommy needed prayer for this or that. Or some times I just wouldn't. God knew my heart right? I didn't need to lift my hand..

So much has changed in my life these days. By the way, I am not over it. The cancer, the chemo, the radiation, the surgeries, have not only changed my body, they have changed who I am. I am not the same person I was last May. I am stronger spiritually, (most days) and I do not want to ever regress. The most difficult time for me, is NOW. The attentions wanes, which is normal, but it is like I am finished with all the yucky stuff, so everyone expects me to be

I am not. Many days, I am exhausted. My emotions are like a roller coaster. I have power surges(hot flashes) that Tim wishes he could hook up to the grid! Sleep evades me. I look in the mirror and wonder who that boy is...
I think I need one of those signs that says, "Be patient with me!"

Anyhow, back to the altar...

I almost didn't go up there. I had a discussion with God that went like this:

GOD: Go ahead dear one, I will go with you.

ME: Oh God, I already took care of this remember? You cannot possibly want me to walk up front --everyone would SEE me!!

GOD: I want you to dear one, you need to give this to Me.

ME: But everyone will SEE me!! They will KNOW I am bitter!!

GOD: I already know beloved. Don't worry about them. Come for Me.

ME: Oh Father...(now leaving my chair..) I am so sorry...

GOD: I love you dear one, more than you will ever know..I want you to let go of this bitterness and leave the rest to Me..

ME: (now up front, on my knees, at the platform) Forgive me for this me Father, to love like You do...heal my bitter, broken heart!

Pride almost kept me in my seat.

He is faithful,


Sarah said...

Once again, you use your own experience to teach. Thank you for sharing and being obedient.
Love and Blessings, Mom

Waitingfaithfully said...

Dear one,

That "boy" in the mirror is HIS beautiful Bonnie! She is ever changing, and ever growing in her love for Him, and He loves her beyond all measure. She is obediant to His call, and she has humbly laid down bitterness, for freedom. She is weak, and she is strong, and when she is weak, He is strong. She is His, completely, created by Him to do His will, and she does it well.

She is you, Bonnie, and you are BEAUTIFUL!



Laura said...

Dear Bonzo, I understand. Because we are done with the rough treatments, we are expected to feel totally normal. It is a process and it will be a new normal. I will never again be the person I was before brain cancer. God has used these experiences to change us for the better...not change us for the bitter. The process has been longer than I expected, I must say. Walking the walk with you dear sister. Love you,