Before I start whining, I need to share the GOOD NEWS concerning my brother.
He came home Sunday, Easter Sunday!!! The colonoscopy revealed that the source of the bleed had "healed itself." We know that it is God Who gets the glory! Thank You Lord. Apparently, he has diverticulosis and that place had ripped open and bled when he strained for a bm..sorry. That's one of the many side effects of chemo...
His Dr yesterday told him that it was a "good" sign that he has acne real bad and a rash because that means the chemo is "working." I am not quoting here to be sarcastic. She told him this means the chemo drug is messing with the blood supply, which will starve the cancer cells. The other drug, is meant for the remaining tumor in his neck. Overall, he was encouraged by her response. He begins round #3 tomorrow, Wednesday April 15. (tax day-ugh)
The other bit of good news, is that while he was in the hospital, he had a chest xray. It was CLEAN, no spots!!!! (remember his CAT scan in Detroit revealed spots on both lungs?)
Thank You Lord, for Your healing hand....You are worthy to be praised..
"Why don't you go for a walk?" is a phrase I am hearing more and more often. It's due to the fact I'm grouchy, irritable and down right not fun to be with. I went off the tamoxifen for 24 glorious hours. I taught school and felt great. No outbursts of anger from me...no impatience. No headaches, no fog in my head. I felt relatively normal. Oh and I slept well. Get this: I asked Tim if he noticed a difference and he at first did not want to answer! That would infer that I had been grouchy you see...he relented. Yes, he noticed a difference in the non tamoxifen version of his wife.
Last night I took it before bed. I need to be an obedient patient.. I slept lousy. I get up this morning and EVERYTHING bugs me. Hannah left her breakfast spread out all over the kitchen. One of the dogs barfed up plastic, wood and whatever else they ate out in the yard, so the washer was running(note of praise to my girls-they cleaned up the mess!) and the maple syrup container was still in the side of the sink where the washer water was draining... It's like I can feel the tension already built up in my head. Hannah and my husband, at different times, suggested, everso gently, that I go for a walk.
I am being tamoxified and I do not know how I am going to "make it" for the next 4 years...I'm being gut level honest here..if it keeps cancer away, it's worth it. If I KNEW that would be the result, I'd push through and take lots and lots of walks...
The other angst right now is that my hips are really, truly hurting. Deep down hurt. Keep you up at night pain. This has been going on for a month and a half. Started with my right side, now it is both. My sitter downer hurts.. I called oncology and am seeing my Dr this coming Monday..am I frightened? Yes. Am I telling my soul repeatedly the truth of God's Word? I am.
We are studying the tabernacle in a Beth Moore study. The timing of all the lessons amazes me.
Most impressed on my heart is the theme "the presence of God."
I realized yesterday on one of my walks, (ha) if I am in the presence of God, fear cannot come along. Simple thought I know, but my heart received like a drink of cool, clear water..
I have the Holy Spirit within, so God Himself resides in my body--I am His temple here on earth. He lives in me. When I speak of His presence, I do not mean a pillar of fire by night or a cloud by day--I am speaking of the awareness of His Spirit daily, in my life. For me, it could be reading the Bible and having the Words leap off the page. It could be that still, small voice I hear when I am quiet before Him. In prayer, I often sense His presence. I cannot explain it, but I know it is real.
As I wait for Monday and what it brings, I would appreciate that you would pray specifically that I can remain in "be still" mode. When I do, fear cannot enter.
Please pray too, that while I am being tamoxified, I will choose to walk by the Spirit.
I'm pretty convinced God is greater than any drug zooming around in my bloodstream!
Thanks for all your prayers.
He is faithful,