Tuesday, June 30, 2009

After the grave..

This was last summer. My brother got me the shirt after he had been in a relay for life in his area.

I still cannot believe he is no longer here..I am straddling this weird fence called "I can't believe it" and then I look at a picture of him or see his name on a list in my notebook of people to write to and I fall into a field named grief. I had a good cry the other day but today, I felt numb. I read an article about him in the Greenville newspaper and didn't shed one tear. It was well written too. I am so proud of him.

I have a book by Beth Moore called Praying God's Word. In it, is a chapter on Overcoming Despair. Oh my...I have found such comfort. Such hope. I realize that the enemy of my soul does not take a break and give me a time out as I grieve, in fact, he is what Beth labels an "opportunist" waiting for the moment when I am at my weakest to whisper lies into my broken heart..
Lies like "You're next."
Or "You're a bad sister because you didn't get to see him right before he died.."

I had a good walk and talk with the Lord today and realized these were indeed lies. I must admit I entertained them since his death on a regular basis..but today, I put them to rest.

My Mom is doing well as can be expected when you lose a son. People ask me how she is and I honestly do not know what to say...her heart is broken but she is looking to God for help and comfort. Pray for her...

There is a picture of Steve and Amy here on my counter. I can see it right now..I cannot fathom my life without Tim. My children without a father.
Please pray for Amy and her boys. They need what I cannot even put into words. We pray for them all the time. Will you too?

Mom and I are busy getting a HOPE garden together. It will be a place where we can sit, pray and remember. I would like a nice bench, some type of water thing going on and lots and lots of different flowers and bushes that will take some moderate abuse from yours truly. I do want flagstone for the pathway and the bench I have seen at Home Depot. It is teak and absolutely beautiful. Already little gifts are showing up and they will fit in nicely to our HOPE garden. We are both excited about it.

I am walking in the Relay for Life this year. I organized a team in Steve's memory. The team is Little Brother. Just writing that hurts Lord...

If you want to see it, go to www.relayforlife.org/emmetcountymi

My goal is $1,000. I am walking 45 laps, one for each year of my brother's life. (that's 11 miles) (good thing I just got new shoes!) It gives me a way to direct my anger at this unforgiving disease.

Last thing that is on my mind...I have been off of tamoxifen for 2 months. The Dr wanted to see if my side effects went away. They did. I feel great. Well, except for now...she called the other day and wants me to try a new drug, does the same thing but works a little differently. It is called Aromasin--it is the last one I can try really.
So my prayer is for Tim and I to have wisdom and peace as we check out this drug and ITS side effects..I need to be on something, but when I am, I feel so rotten.. am I being too concerned with how I feel? Taking a little white pill is no guarantee you know. If it were, I wouldn't be writing this!
Hearing my oncologist's voice and her admonishment, brings the reality of cancer back into my face again. Oh Jesus, help me..be my very present help...

Thanks for your prayers.

They are holding me together now,

He is faithful,

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