One week has passed since I stood up in front of my dearest, bestest friends and said my marriage vows again. I only had to be prompted by my pastor two times but I made it through without balling my eyes out. Thank You Lord...
We wrote our own vows 25 years ago and to say them to one another after all we've been through was very, very powerful.
I do remember telling my pastor how I used to think and believe marriage was for my benefit. If Tim got something, well it was my turn to get something too. Equal money spent as well. I was a master of manipulation to get my selfish way . I held back, especially in intimate matters, to punish him for not giving me what I wanted...and we were Christians! Believers in Jesus!
Not to take away from the day's joy, but I want you to know, Jesus has changed me. I am not the same selfish woman I used to be. God has changed me so my goal is not what I can get out of marriage but what I can put into it. How can I serve my spouse today? Tim has matured and shown me the love of Jesus Christ as a husband----a sacrificial love. We are very, very blessed..
I'm not perfect and lately, life has been very, very tough. This aromasin medicine is awful! I am grumpy, short tempered and emotional. I have gained weight in places I never thought possible! I can't sleep very well which snowballs into the morning like an avalanche of terse words on tender hearts..I wonder why I am still here and my brother is in Heaven. My ears received news this week of another dear saint, going Home, with cancer as the impetus. I went to a Thanksgiving church service and someone shared a great testimony of God's faithfulness--yet it was a story about someone dear to them dying of cancer...
My losses threaten to define who I am! I miss my brother terribly. I talk to him when I see his picture here on the counter. I find myself wanting to hear from him--
I realized this morning that the one way I can be close to him and his heart is to read the Word..he soaked it up like a sponge the year before his death and he treasured it, revered it and encouraged me to read it...
When I read the Word, I can take my pain, my sorrow, my saddness to Jesus. It is only when I do, I begin to understand a little more that loss does not define me, God does. Who I am in Christ Jesus defines me..I refuse to be a victim to my trials.
Hear this o people: loss refines me, but I have to succumb to the pain and let God work.
So while I celebrated my 25th wedding anniversay celebration in front of my dearest saints, I had to give my grief to my Heavenly Daddy..I thought about my brother watching and even though it hurt my heart, it also brought a sweetness words cannot define.
I observed my mother, sitting there, singing Great is Thy Faithfulness and it was almost too much to bear. I made myself watch her from time to time while we sang and the pain in my heart was lanced. She has suffered so and yet she turns to You again and again. I am grateful for godly mom. She has no idea how her example of running to You has bolstered my faith. How cool is that??
I want to close with my daughters...they looked so beautiful on that day. I will never forget their curled hair, touches of make up and smiles that could melt snow. They were gorgeous! Here are the 25 cards they each wrote up and were going to put on the dinner tables but forgot:
Love is..."when Mom gets up to make dad breakfast."
"Dad brings Mom roses and chocolate."
"Dad buys chocolate for mom." (different author, same theme!)
"when dad rubs mom's shoulders."
"when mom is cold and dad turns up the heat."
"when mom buys mountain dew for dad."
"when dad brings home a diet coke home from town."
"when mom buys 2% milk for dad.
"when mom and dad are nice to each other."
"when they pray together on the couch."
"when they escape to the lodge, "just because."
"when mom kisses dad even when he has garlic breath."
"when mom and dad dance in the kitchen...even when there is no music."
"getting through the tough times."
"when mom listens to dad play the banjo."
"when dad willingly gets "tang soo doed."
"when mom picks on dad while he's on the computer."
"when mom and dad help each other."
"daddy brings home a pop for mom."
"when dad holds mom when she falls asleep on the couch."
"when they go on budget meetings, aka dates."
"when mom helps dad pick out church clothes."
"when dad puts up with mom's ice cold feet.
"when they look at each other and know exactly what the other is thinking."
"when mom and dad laugh together."
Amen and amen.
Keep praying ok??
He is faithful,
P.S. Patience dear ones, the pictures are coming!!! Tell Hannah on facebook to get them on her mom's blog!!!!