"Bonnie, it's cancer."
All I could muster was, "Oh wow..."
I read in my devotional this morning about trouble. I was admonished to cling to Him, savor His presence IN the trouble, knowing full well that He is able to help me...
All I could muster was "Hmmm...God are You preparing me for something?"
The answer to that question was, "Yep."
Hours later, I ended up in the emergency department, with pretty significant chest pain and this itchy, funny, full, painful feeling down my esophagus..I have asthma, so I took a couple puffs on my inhaler. Didn't help much. Tim was in town already running errands, so I had Rachel call mom and she took me in.
Mom can drive FAST when she needs to! I felt like a horrible mother, leaving behind Rachel and Teresa..Hannah was taking a final. Nathan was working at the hospital...later on after her final though, Hannah came home to love on her siblings..she's such a good big sis!!
I had in mind a long walk today...talking with God, praising Him for all He has done over the last few years..praising Him that I was still here, with my family, and thanking Him for Who He is..
I ended up with a "line" (IV) and the dreaded cocktail of benedryl(antihistamine)/decadron(steroid)/pepcid(to coat your tummy cuz steroids and tummies do not make a good mix)..
and it took me back to my chemo days..
Tim would smile at me as the nurse injected that same cocktail into my line and off I would drift into what some call sleep, but to me, it was like a trip into nothingness, trying desperately not to panic as you lose control of your ability to think...
Here I was again, only this time for some medical reason I did not know-you say you have chest pain in emergency and they scurry around, hooking you up to all these "leads" (wires).
I had an EKG, which was normal.
I had a cardiac enzymes sifted/sorted out in my blood, which were normal. No indication of a heart attack. That's good.
I had a painful IV.
Man, I hate IV's that hurt!!
Dr. #1 was kind, tender as he helped the very tan nurse who got to spend time in the Florida Keys( I asked..sigh...) but here I am, my breast-less chest exposed and I say, "I guess you can tell I had two mastectomies huh?"
They smiled and my medicine(humor) injected-- did it's trick on them..Dr's are people too I've found out over these last 4 years. Most of them truly do like people and are in it for your best outcome. Others have forgotten that their patients are people, with feelings and lives outside the hospital's walls.
I got my benedryl cocktail and off I went, on my "trip."
Nathan came in and the questions flew. He got harassed by a nurse. He and his Dad talked over me and I don't remember a thing.
I got two chest xrays--first one a flop. So she came back with her very expensive, yet highly portable xray machine and did it again. I asked her if they would not charge for the first one, since we are "self pay" patients and I tried real hard to sound "normal" but she just smiled and said no..so much for humor when you are on drugs.
Bottom line is Dr. # 2, who was all business and not very compassionate I thought--said he thinks the pain, the discomfort, was not due to the walnuts that I added to the scrumptious banana bread I made and ate just before experiencing all this chest discomfort---
BECAUSE
my tongue wasn't swollen, my throat wasn't swollen, I didn't "present" as an allergic rx.
He asked me if I had ever heard of chinese pinenuts?
I'm thinking to myself "Is this guy for real?"
No.
Because if the walnuts are from China, they might be poison, like the pine nuts.
Where did I get them?
A local store, in the bulk department.
Where were they from?
I don't know--- they were from the bulk department, and I really, really wanted to spell it for him,
I don't know--- they were from the bulk department, and I really, really wanted to spell it for him,
you know, B-U-L-K.
Oh, well I may need to check into it later.
Yeah, ok.
But I wasn't vomiting like I would if it were poison pine nuts, so maybe it's a moot point.
Oh my...
He thinks it's my esophagus and started telling me that I must've had a hard time swallowing?
No.
I must've had pain all the way down--ever choke on a big piece of meat?
No.
Ever had something get stuck and choke it back up?
No. ( this guy is ticking through his list isnt' he?)
A bunch more leading questions and his bottom line is he didn't think the chest pain was cardiac related which is good.
He thinks my esophagus needs a look see= endoscopy. Maybe the pain was due to the esophagus constricting or spasming. (b/c or not b/c of the walnuts)
I find myself shutting down, which is easy to do when you're tripping on a benedryl cocktail, because the last thing I wanted to do today was
be in the hospital---
leave my daughters with fear in their eyes--
see the concern in my husband's eyes--
be on nasty steroids for the next few days--
not know if I'm now suddenly allergic to walnuts??--
be in debt to the hospital again--
Psalm 46:10 states: Be still and know that I am God.
I used to think that verse meant that I could just sit still and be ok. You know, like rest, sit still, with a tall glass of iced tea and read a magazine, still.
Nope.
4 years later, since I heard those words, "Bonnie, it's cancer,"
Being still means that no matter what your day holds, no matter what your trouble looks like, no matter how severe your situation,
I can be still in my spirit, in my innermost being,
and know,
He is
God.
I'm not alone either.
I know lots of my sister's in Christ presently battling horrible, terrible things, and they shine with the stillness of knowing God is God.
I can see it and almost feel it when I am around them.
I got home and gather my precious daughters around me in the kitchen...they think I'm hysterically funny when I'm on this benedryl combo--but they cling to me and i knew in my momma's heart they were wondering..
Another aspect of suffering in this world is that people are watching. My children are watching me.
ER Doc are watching. Nurses. Techs.
Friends.
Family.
My ability to connect with God in trials, troubles and pain, can show others God is God.
It's ok to be scared, but do you see God?
He's here.
He loves me.
And He knows my heart.
He loves you too dear one.
It's 5:30 am. I'm not tired. (steroids)
I really want a piece of that yummy banana bread but I think I'll pass and go for a hunk of homemade whole wheat bread as a substitute.
Please pray my primary care Dr will have God's wisdom as we sort out all these symptoms and decide whether or not I truly need to swallow down a tube with a tiny camera on the end...
Sorry God...
thinking about that before it comes, if it comes, is not being still..
You are faithful Lord,
Bonnie
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