Tuesday, October 30, 2007

No control

Lord, I am so in need of more of You right now. Going to town saps all my strength . Every ounce of it. I stay in the car instead of pouring over library books with my girls. I pray and close my eyes. I have some man, as he walks by me in front of the post office, mumble something about how he "used to have a stocking cap." I am not certain if he was empathizing with me because he once had cancer; did the chemo, went bald. I decided he must not have or he might've taken a few seconds to chat. For whatever reason, he irritated me.

Then I came home to a spirit of self righteousness in one of my children. It is almost too much to bear for me. I am glad Tim is here to deal with it, for my strength is waning. I am grateful for the frozen meal someone gave us over a month ago. It is needed tonight. Thank You Lord...

I find myself hungry a lot and try to eat well but then the mini tootsie rolls call my name and I answer. One of my hats works well to hold them as I gobble them down, trying to reach my soul.

It doesn't work very well.

I feel angry. I'm angry that I don't know the why of this cancer. Was it environmentally induced? Did I eat too many of the wrong foods and not enough of the right ones? Was it the diet soda? Did I DO something to bring this killer into my body? I feel out of control in many facets Lord. The control I thought I had wasn't really control at all. B. C. (before cancer) I had a clean home. My children were taught well each day. I took them places to expand their minds, and stimulate them socially and grow them spiritually. I walked, ran, or skied as much as I could. All of these things gave me a sense of control, like I had "it" together.
Ironic I know. This cancer could've been growing in me for years. Here I am, a stay at home mom, thinking I'm doing well--God is good--I serve You in church--so do my children--and these errant, killer cells are in my body, even then!

I guess, in a way, in a wild, God way, I'm thankful for this cancer diagnosis.

After the horror wears off, life takes on a new tone because you can either let the horror run you over or you can let it drive you to the only source of hope and help: God.
It works not only with a cancer diagnosis but also with a lousy marriage, a prodigal child or a bad relationship..

I'm sure I've chosen to turn to You God, but today, I'm weary. I'm physically and emotionally spent. I felt awesome yesterday and undoubtedly did too much. (that would be rototilling the garden Lord...) I know You are with me, I have been dumped on by Your lavish gifts, yet I feel so sad in my soul..
If I would've eaten organic everything or never had a dad who smoke, or never drank diet coke, would You still have allowed this trial into my life?

I think so.

This cancer is no surprise to You.
You didn't give it to me because of what I did or didn't do or eat or drink. You didn't assign it to my breast, my babies favorite side, because I had a dad who smoked. You allowed this trial to bring me closer to You, to allow me to grow in my faith and to show me just how utterly dependent in You I am.
Sovereign Lord, I realize now this very moment, that this cancer, this awful disease, is only going to accomplish the above things if I choose to believe You.

That is the control I have.
I choose to believe You Lord.
I choose to love You with all my heart.
When pain wracks my body after this next treatment, I will choose to sing praises, read Your Word and pray, instead of complain, murmur and lash out at those I love.
When I walk places with my three daughters, and the enemy whispers in my ear, "I bet one of them will get it because you passed it down" I will choose to tell him, the liar that he is, to leave me alone! I will tell him that "greater is He that is in me, than he that is in the world."
When complete strangers stare as if they have never seen a bald woman before, I will hide in the shadow of Your wings.
This is the only control I have Lord.
Thank You for revealing this to my tired heart today.
I love You.


Sarah said...

I'm so glad I got to be with you while you were feeling so well!! I love you! I'm proud of you and your faith and dependance on God are an inspiration to all of us!! Now I'm going to yell at you: Who do you think you are?? Wonder Woman?? YOU tilled the garden? I heard you ask someone else to do it! So somewhere between when I left and got home, (about four hours) you did it yourself. I do understand - sometimes you just need to do it yourself. And then you went hunting!! I'm sure if you had gotten something you would have mentioned it. Maybe next time. It was a delight being with you - I love you all!! Mom ;^)

Daddy Dylangrr said...


I join my dear sister in this prayer ... and I thank you that your WORD is alive.

I do pray for strength for her and I pray for relief from pain ... I don't want to see her in agony, and I don't want to see Tim or Nathan or Hannah or Rachel or Theresa in fear or doubt as they watch the agony first hand.

But I also know that what she is going through has a purpose. And though I am only looking through a smoky glass, I can see a glimpse of that purpose ... for your WORD IS ALIVE!!! How can these words of agony from Bonnie usher me immediately into your presence? A NEW PSALM HAS BEEN SUNG and it struck the chords of my heart. And it is such a minor key song and I hear King David's harp!!!

But why the pain? Why the agony?

LORD, I know ... the pain is where the song begins. And now that the song has been sung and now that my own heart has been rended, please bring peace and comfort to the one who was faithful to give us the song. Bless her. Strengthen her. Renew her through your Holy Spirit. And may the Zowada house be known as The Haven of Peace. It is in the name of the Prince of Peace, my Lord and my Salvation, Jesus Christ, that I ask these things. And So, Let it Be.

Cindy said...

My Dearest Bonnie,
Today is All Saints Day and I vote you my favorite Saint. Your words always touch me. Oh that I could be there with you to help with getting those chores done. I think I know a few of them. It is so hard being so far away. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Give and extra hug to all your little Z's for me. With the love that comes through Christ alone, Cindy Van