Sunday, December 30, 2007

Bad attitude Momma..

Yep.
I had a pretty lousy attitude this morning.
I wanted to stay in bed. Church didn't sound very great either.
I really had no good reason to stay home, so my poor family had to endure my snottiness
(I spelled it right!) for the ride there.....and the ride home..
It took until I went for a 3.5 mile walk with Jack, down the beautiful snowy road that all I heard in church sank into my heart..

Quite frankly, I want to be done. Finished. I want treatment to be a verb used in the past tense. God and I and my precious husband finished 16 weeks of treatment. I was told I didn't need radiation way back in July...and now we are looking at radiation! It makes me angry I guess because it wasn't presented as part of the original treatment package. It is like being told you are running a marathon that your life depends on finishing and you haven't trained one bit but you are doing it. Then you are told you are running ANOTHER one right after you start to recover from the first one.

What a lousy comparison! I would love to run a marathon! I will take a 5k !

Add radiation possibility to pre-cancerous cells in my remaining breast and it brings me to my end..my very end..it doesn't help when the Dr tells me radiation will wipe me out.
I am already wiped out! How much more can my body take?

That is what was climbing around in my mind this morning as I was being taken to church.
You know, the place where you are supposed to worship the God Who made you?

What turned me around were these words from II Corinthians 12: 9,10
Note: written by Paul who was discussing his thorn in the flesh

"And He has said to me,"My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
Therefore, I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake, for when I am weak, then I am strong."

What God has for me today is His grace and He tells me that this grace is SUFFCIENT or ENOUGH while I am weak, in trouble, or faced with difficulties..
I think the key is the phrase "well content."

I am not quite there yet, but I believe that is part of this journey.
I need to remember that when I am weak, and when I am tired and do not think I can handle ONE MORE TREATMENT OF ANYTHING..that for Christ's sake I can be strong, even in this weakness....

Oh I praise You Lord God for your Word!
It is alive and active in me..

Thank You Lord for forgiving families, for walks to clear my head and for Your Word which cuts down through all the junk in my heart and gives me hope.

I love You Lord...

You are a Faithful Father.

3 comments:

Sarah said...

Because of Him, you can be and are strong.
Haven't been ignoring you, just didn't know how to respond.
I know that the Dr. said the radiation will "wipe you out", but friends of mine who have had it, didn't have any trouble at all and now say they are glad they had the treatment.
Even with a "Bad attitude" you are still a good example to all of us.
Love and prayers, Mom ;^)

Linda said...

Ah, my bonnie, bonnie lass! What you are feeling is absolutely normal--of course you feel ANGRY @$%#@%^!! and SNOTTY %^&*((*&)(*!! And why shouldn't you? The path you have been sent on is a great trial--and, sometimes, knowing what enormous growth it has caused for you and your family doesn't make a *&&^% of difference in how you feel right now (although, in the future, you'll know and realize what a huge and postive difference that growth has made for all of you). You are not a saint, you are human, and that's why you feel what you feel, knowing, through your well-justified anger, that God loved you yesterday, he loves you today, and he'll love you through all your multitudinous tomorrows.

Is there something you can go pound on? Any construction/building projects that you can go hit ferociously with a hammer? Any chance of just SCREAMING! on one of your walks? (makes your throat hurt, but it might be worth it)

And...I've heard the same thing from folks who've had radiation--it was not a problem!

We love you all, you know!

Love, Linda

Cia said...

Hi Bonnie,
I MISS YOU! Sorry that once again I have been a terrible friend.
I heard some more bad news this morning, coming from your neck of the woods, and just know that we are praying for your whole family.
I love the pictures and I saved them to my computer.
Please let me know if there is anything that we can do.
I love your "new" suburban and your licorice kitchen aide. I have a white one and don't know what I would do without it!!
I'm so glad that I found your old e-mail with your blog addresses. I have marked it as a favorite and will visit it more often now. Maybe then I will stay in better touch with you.
Love you,
Lucia