Tuesday, March 11, 2008
That is basically what I said on the chair lift the very first time!!!!!
When I got to the ski hill, I was in a very bad mood. I had some vertigo on the radiation table this morning, which also happened yesterday. My left ear has been bothering me, but because of everything else I am facing, an earache seemed lowly at best.
The techs were concerned about me this morning and urged me to up my fluid intake and take a big nap today. (ha) I did tell them I was going skiing...
I left feeling tipsy and hungry and mad. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sorry, but after 9 months, I don't get a baby! There are days where I get angry because I cannot do what I used to do...it is a loss and when I grieve that loss, I get mad..Unfortunately, Scripture rings true when it says, "The anger of man does not achieve the righteous life God desires." Grieving yes, taking it out on those you love, no.
By the time we got to the ski hill my mood was dark. I don't know why, but when I walk into a room full of people lately, I feel SO self-conscious. I have never been good at hiding my emotions and it must've showed, because one of the moms there came over and asked me how I was...she prayed with me and blessed my heart greatly.. God knew I needed that. Another one gave me a big hug and told me I was beautiful. I needed that too...
It was Tim's birthday and the idea was to have a good time together and he would teach me how to ski.
The first time out I got so frustrated with how heavy the skis felt, and how awkward I felt, that I just gave up. My daughter's faces fell and this still, small voice said, "What are you doing Bonnie?"
I stormed back inside.
After watching my hubby go up and down the chair lift with our three girls, I realized how very selfish I was being. I was more concerned about ME than THEM.
Plus, pity parties are never fun with more than one.
I got my jazz back on and went out.
I told myself, I have had 4 babies, two mastectomies, 16 weeks of chemotherapy, and now half way through radiation. How hard can down hill skiing be? How scary can riding a chair lift be?
Tim coached me, I figured it out and off I went.
My girls were so proud and happy.
I rode the chair lift two times--the first time I look up ahead and there is Teresa with a BIG smile on her face and her legs are swinging back and forth, like she hasn't a care in the world.
Some days my children teach me way more than I can possibly teach them.
Please pray the vertigo will cease.
Years ago, when it really plagued me, the neurologist said it was a form of migraine. I haven't had problems in a long time.
I had a blast today even though I didn't feel the greatest.
Amidst the suffering of cancer, chemo and radiation, I experienced great joy.
The still, small voice of the Spirit urged me to invest the time in my husband and daughters, not in my pity party.
Thank You Lord. You are such a gentle and humble Teacher.
After today, I have 9 treatments left!!
Keep praying ok? I can really sense when you are. Pray for strength, rest and peace in my heart.
He is faithful,
P.S. After all these years being afraid to go on chair lifts, I wonder what's next?