Monday, August 4, 2008

Gone Fishin'

You read that right. I am going fishin"!! Through a group called Reeling and Healing, I am spending 3 days and 2 nights on the AuSable River, down in Grayling. I am going to learn how to fly fish, tie flies, cast, etc all with the help of guy volunteers. The ladies going are all newbies and they will be learning right along with me. The common thread between us all is cancer--this group was set up for woman who have had cancer and are recovering...
I got one of the last two slots because of a cancellation.

This couldn't have come at a better time actually.
I am spent emotionally right now. I think in part due to the drug I'm on, the other part life after cancer treatments, high expectations and still being a mom and wife. I am WAY too hard on myself--thus the focus becomes too much on ME. I find myself way too irritable lately--I've apologized many times to my girls and my son and my husband...they are so incredibly forgiving you know???

Yesterday in church I held a 5 month old little boy...his chubby body was so comforting to hold but my heart burst..I cried and it took me by surprise.. I miss my breasts!! It hit me when I felt him so close that I am flat and it felt so empty...I gave my children all I had, I nourished them with not only my body but all I had in my soul and heart...and now they are GONE. I have these scars that cross my entire chest. Not very sexy you know? Tim isn't making me feel this way--he has been wonderful in assuring me of my beauty. I am having a hard time remembering what they looked like, although my husband tells me HE remembers...I guess that is good huh? Anyway, the floodgate opened up Sunday, as I worshiped the Lord, and I felt better after a good, wholesome cry...I think I got as much snot on him as he did on me!!

Thank You Lord for the chance I had to breast feed my babies...for the memories I have of them, at my breast, patting me, loving on me, making sounds as they gulp up what You made for them...I am grateful. Please help me as I continue to let go of the loss and fill up the ache I have with Your sweet presence..Thank You for the cuddly baby I held and for how You used his little body to bring healing to mine..

I love You Lord God.

If you are of the xy chromosome, next time---- my fishing trip!!

He is faithful,


Linda said...

So--when you're standing in the middle of the stream, looking at all the beauty around you, enjoying the sound of the water and the silence of the wilderness, does the hymn "How Great Thou Art" come to mind? I bet it does....When I say "Tight lines!" to you, your line is tight when you have a fish on, so it's a way of saying good luck and may you catch/release some fish!

Of course you are mourning the loss of part of your body--you had those breasts for a long time and they nourished your children. It's normal, I think, to be filled with sorrow at their loss. I'm glad you had the good, cleansing cry at church holding that sweet 5 month old chubbers baby--finally admitting to yourself that you miss those boobuhlies! Part of the healing process, huh...

I'm looking forward to hearing about your trip--I hope it helps with the healing (and maybe you'll pick up a new sport?!)

Iight lines and love, Linda

Linda said...

Ooops! typo!

TIGHT lines and love, Linda

Sarah said...

I love it that you are SO honest!!
You, my sweet girl, have always been to hard on yourself! We all love you anyway!!!
I'm sitting here reading your blog instead of being at Morning Meditations. As it turns out - your blog is a meditation! Every woman who ever nursed her child will be able to identify a little with you. Those who still have our breasts can only imagine what you have/are going through!
Linda said what I would have if I'd gotten here first (maybe). She is very wise - -
Have fun fishing - hope it doesn't rain - but maybe fishing is better if it does? Anyway, ENJOY!!!!!!!!
Love you - see you Saturday,
Mom ;-)