Finally

I picked up this book in the library a few weeks ago, mostly due to the title: When God and Cancer Meet, by Lyn Eib.
Honestly, I wanted to read "success" stories. Meaning, ones where women like me, "survive."
I was pleasantly surprised. This lady writes SO well. She loves God. She believes in Jesus Christ.
She had chemotherapy for one whole YEAR for stage 3 colon cancer and was sicker than sick the whole time..she is a mom, with children and and husband. She was healthy before her diagnosis, a healthy eater and in great shape.

I used the word finally because I finally found the thought process, the thinking, that I needed to let go..until you have a life threatening illness and wonder if you will live to see your children graduate from high school, you are on the outside of my heart looking in. Daily, and I mean daily, I think about it.
I wonder if I am nuts. I wonder if I am normal. Then I read this dear woman's writings and I realize I am one of many who feel and wonder the very same things..

I am going to post the most powerful words (short of God's Word) I have found so far, in my journey with breast cancer. Praise God for the heart of this lady!
Here goes: These are now Lyn's words.

"I am the resurrection and the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die like everyone else, will live again. They are given eternal life for believing in me and will never perish." John 11:25NLT

Either way we win! A win-win situation---a solution where you can't lose no matter what. You hear business people often talk about this scenario. Then they try to solve a problem by coming up with a solution that benefits everyone. It's the ideal, but it's not always possible.
Unless of course, you belong to God.
If you are a believer in Jesus, you cannot lose your battle with cancer. Your loved one cannot lose his or her battle with cancer. People talk that way though. They say things like, "So-n-so lost his battle with cancer." But for believers, it's a lie. When a believer dies, it may appear temporarily that death has won, but we all know appearances can be deceiving.

That's all well and good, you might say. But what about those who are left behind when someone dies from cancer? It doesn't feel like a blink of the eye if you're the widowed spouse or the motherless child.
That's a good and fair question. It's one I asked myself many times after I was diagnosed with cancer. I felt completely at peace about my own possibility of dying. I truly felt that I had more blessings in my thirty-six years of living than many people have in twice that length.
But I couldn't find a peace about my husband or children being without me. (emphasis mine)
I tried to imagine all kinds of scenarios where they'd be ok, but none of them worked. The emotional tug-of-war in my heart was unrelenting.(another emphasis mine!)
Then one day while sitting alone on my bed, I had an experience..I didn't hear an audible voice, but the one in my head was very clear.
I had been praying about my daughters and my husband and telling God He had to let me live because I simply could not feel right about them without me.
They want me. They need me. They love me and I love them so very much, I told God.
Then I heard a voice in my mind: " I love them even more that you do."
I know You love them, but I want to take care of them.
"I love them more than you do, " was the reply again.
I know You love them, but they need me.
"I love them even more than you do, and until you can entrust them to My care, you will never have peace," was the response.
I started to cry. In my heart of hearts I knew this was the only way, but the emotional tug-of-war had a few more yanks left in it.
I don't want to entrust them to You, Lord. I want them to be entrusted to me. I want to be in control. I...I...I...I...
But I knew I couldn't have it both ways. So I told God, "I do not see in any way, shape or form, how my children could be fine or even better off without me. Thinking of them without me is a pain too deep for words. I believe the only thing that makes sense is for me to live. I cannot bear the thought of their grief if I die and of not being there to watch them grow up.
BUT....I am choosing to set aside these feelings and believe You and Your Word. I believe that You love them more than I do and that You can care for them with or without me. I believe You are faithful and trustworthy and You have proven Yourself throughout my life and, in fact, throughout all history.
So I will quit trying to figure it all out, understand it, make sense of it or control it. I simply surrender my will. I will walk by faith and not by sight. I believe in You.

Then she closes with these words.

I believed that God through Jesus had proved His love for me.
I believed that either way I would win.
I believed that God through Jesus had proved His love for my family.
I believed that either way, my family would win.

"George and Molly-Either way she wins" pg 146-148
from When God and Cancer Meet
Author Lyn Eib



The tug-of-war is now settled. God wins. I surrender all.
Please pray for me as I let this settle in my heart. Tamoxifen is hard on my emotions--most days I feel like I am being driven by an out of control train! So pray I will be able to daily believe and walk by faith. This is a choice mind you, not some surreal out of body experience.

He is faithful,
Bonnie