Saturday, March 14, 2009


I truly do not have cause to gripe or complain. Honest. I am alive. I have 4 great children, an awesome husband and dogs that are moderately obedient. Life for the most part, is rich and full.

You add tamoxifen to my life and everything takes a different tone. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!
I am constantly battling my emotional state, which is all over the map. I had one of those days today--emotionally poor family had to put up with me in the car. They had no where to hide!!

I married the right guy. I went to apologize while he's up in the shop,wiping up drips from his leaking roof, and he just smiled and said he forgave me. Said he chalked it up to tamoxifen.. I told him I feel so out of control---like I can't control anything--dogs, kids, SAT piano results, home repair, etc.--and he wisely said as he kissed me on the cheek, "Honey, you are a woman, no one can control you(emphasis mine)."

I sputtered almost every step of my walk tonight. I know God can handle it, and by the time I'm on my way home, I've blabbered out all of my angst and feel better. He spoke to my heart and assured me HE was the One Who needed to be in control, not me. I told Him I hate tamoxifen.
I hate what it is doing to my body, my emotions and guess what??? There's no guarantee that it will keep the cancer at bay! You know how when you are going through something awful, you tell yourself, there's such and such to look at the end of the experience?? Childbirth is awful, but you get a precious baby as a reward..

See? I'm doing it again. Sputtering!!
Please pray for me, for peace of my mind and heart.

I heard an awesome sermon by the late Adrian Rogers this week called Disciplines of Darkness.
Not the evil darkness , rather the despair caused by trials and circumstances.
In it, he quoted Warren Weirsbe who stated,
"We live by the promises of God, not the explanations of God."
Let me write that again,
We live by the promises of God, not the explanations of God.

When terrible trials strike, we want answers! When will it end? Did I cause this? God, are You mad at me? WHY? You are all powerful, why don't You stop it?
The whole purpose of my blog is to point you each to Jesus Christ. He has the answers. I do not know WHY I got cancer. But I trust Him. That is called faith. The Bible says without faith, it is impossible to please Him...
I really do trust Him. Yet on days like today, I do not understand why I have to continue to "deal" with the cancer, in fact, I want to be "done." I am trying to get back to "normal." My kids need normal. My husband needs normal. What we ache for is more of God, for the peace He gives to fill those normal needing spots and craters this trial has etched on all of our hearts.. Give me more time ok? I am still mending and hair may have come back curly, but my soul has been seared. I want to live by the promises of God, not the drug killing off estrogen in my is a tough balancing act.


I began my black belt testing Friday morning. We have to instruct one class for an hour.(one of many things we have to do) I did it Friday and I think it went well. It is 10% of our total grade. At the very end, we were introduced to board breaking and I did it!!! (yes, it hurt)

We began tapping the trees for sap last weekend. Drip, drip, drip in metal buckets is such a pleasant sound!

The deer have eaten all of my lilac in front of the house. Snots.

The dogs try to chase the deer every time we let them out..they have been very naughty lately..

Tim is another year older and much, much wiser. Wait till you see his birthday pics!

He is faithful,

P.S. If you want to hear the sermon Disciplines of Darkness, go to it was March 10th, Adrian Rogers on his show Love Worth Finding. It really helped me put things into perspective--God's perspective that is.

1 comment:

Kristine said...

Thank you for such a real, honest sputtering of your heart! I'm so very thankful for your outlook and how you DO point others to hang onto the rope of this journey God gives to each of us. Hugs to you, my dear friend!