Wednesday, August 5, 2009


Ever had a raw spot on your skin? You know the kind that if anything, even your sheets in your bed, brushes across it, it KILLS?
That's how my heart feels today.

I am on day 5 of Aromasin. Already people in my immediate family can tell "the difference."
I am moody, fly off the handle at the slightest infraction and sleep is as elusive as the big buck on opening day...

Once more, I am faced with a decision. Despite how I FEEL, how I HURT, how I want to SCREAM at my family, I must make a choice...

From Beth Moore's book, Praying God's Word, pg. 206

"My God is in heaven; He does whatever pleases Him. (Ps. 115:3) Lord, sometimes my only answer will be that You are sovereign. Your Word says that the death of Your saints is absolutely precious to You. (Ps. 116:15) One day I will have all the answers. Until then, I must trust that You have power and dominion over all things and that You know best. Help me to believe this even when I don't feel this.

The choice for me right now is to believe. I hate to even put this down for fear someone, somewhere, will think I am being trite, simplistic or trying to make a point. I am not.
I am trying to tell you how much it hurts right now and how I struggle to believe the truth despite my feelings that threaten to sink my heart to the utter depths of the earth.
I realize too that God has been to those depths, He made them!

Believing does not make the sorrow sweeter. Believing makes me more aware of the One Who carries me through the sorrow....Does that make any sense??

I have more to share but this is not the place. I think what I have to say is only going to be seen in my journal before a Holy God.

This home could sure use some prayers for peace and comfort.

You are a faithful God,

1 comment:

Waitingfaithfully said...

Oh dear one,

Please know that I am praying, in fact just this morning (Wed) the Spirit prompted me to pray for your new medicine. I am so sorry that you are hurting, physically and emotionally.

Please know that even in your "rawness" you have ministered to me tonight with His word. Today was one of those days where on more than one occasion I wanted to scream, "Lord, do you realize what is going on here? Really DO YOU? I was fasting and praying for situations (for friends) where heartache that is so deep, seems to make no sense to me. Why Lord? Why did you allow these things. Of course I know the truth, I know that He is sovereign.

I know too, that He loves us beyond what we can even grasp. I'm not even in the thick of it like you are Bonnie. I know it is only in Him that you manage, even when your heart feels like sinking. He is carrying you through the sorrow, sweet one. That I know.

Praying that He will help you to believe, even when you don't feel like it. Thank you Bonnie, for reminding me to believe the truth . . . even when I don't feel like it.

Love you friend~