Sunday, September 20, 2009

1 year ago...

At the Houck reunion, the shirt Steve had given me.
One year later~~a different shirt. One of his football kids designed it. I wore it to the local football game Friday night and had to keep biting my lip to hold in the tears. Why? Because I didn't want others to see me crying and wonder, "what is up with that lady?"
I still cannot comprehend he is not here. I cannot...and you know and I know what lurks in the back of my mind. If you would pray that those thoughts would not even make it to the back of my mind I would appreciate it so very much..
Teresa and I after we walked in our woods and marked some trees for firewood. She had a spot of blue on her nose..I must say she has a good eye for forestry and silviculture. I'm so proud of her!
My big kids, minus Hannah who took the pic, after the bridge walk. Teresa and Daddy held down the motor home fort because of Teresa's spill off of Heidi and onto a fence brace. She is still sporting a sling for a few more weeks.

Worship this morning was precious. I am so grateful for God fearing people who bring me to the throne of grace...Lifting my hands towards Heaven I feel like I am reaching towards my brother..corny huh?
Dad left for Ashokan,NY, Thursday. Girls were gone to brother's home. I had the WHOLE house to myself. WOO HOO!!!
I listened to a CD and cried and cried..Oh Jesus...I hurt so much...the only salve I possess for healing is You..
24 ladies and myself began a new Beth Moore Bible study last week. Esther: It's Tough Being a Woman. It's brand new.. I am excited for what You are going to show me.
Marking trees is rewarding, peaceful and colorful. I manage to get most of the paint on the trees. I've decided I like blue better than orange. I talk to You a lot and find great comfort in being in Your creation..
Home schooling is going well. Teresa and Rachel are beginning the Purity Ring drama group this year. Looks full of promise and fun and challenges.
Protection for me in the vw bug...I still struggle with shifting and lately, I've been hitting reverse, yes, reverse, instead of 2nd, which jolts the poor little bug, which in turn almost squashes me like a bug, because the person behind me is TOO close and nearly runs me over!
That happened 3xs yesterday!!!

As I walk through these days filled with grief, there is still laundry, meals to be made, errands to run, vw bugs that break down (again) and just life. I find myself on a balancing beam, trying to stay up and that takes way more energy than I possess. Last night was the first time I have ever let go with the tears and sorrow since the day of Steve's death...I am so grateful God doesn't mind tears..

Tim and I celebrate 25 years in November. Please pray we will be able to get away.

My Mom. She is strong in her faith. I am so glad she is my Mom. Yet she hurts in ways I do not when she thinks of her son. It doesn't mean her loss is greater than mine, it is just different. I cannot compare losses--lest I run the risk of diminishing someone elses. She needs comfort and God says He is the GOD OF ALL COMFORT. I am so thankful she knows and love You Lord.............

Steve's wife Amy. She is broken and feels beyond repair. Life marches on for her too and her four boys. Pray for God's peace to flood her soul.

Thanks for listening to me ramble on and on and on...

He is faithful,


Waitingfaithfully said...

Dear one,

I wish I had words to soothe your grief . . . but there are none. The best I can do is to let you know that I am lifting you before the throne-- you, and your mom, and Amy, praying that the God of all Comfort would wrap you in His tender arms and dry your tears. Praying that He would be your Hope in these very trying days. Praying that Satan would not feed you lies, or try to steal your joy. Praying that you would all three have the strength to be "moms" and all that it entails, in the midst of your grief.

I hear the Lord saying, "Bonnie, I am BIGGER than your grief. I am BIGGER than the enemy who would seek to destroy you. I am BIGGER than your weakness. I am BIGGER than your fears. I am BIGGER than your tears. I am BIGGER than anything you can throw at me. I am BIGGER than anything the enemy can throw at you. I am BIGGER . . . and I love you more now than ever. I love you in your pain. I'll love you through your pain . . . I am here. I am here. I can, and will, mend what has been broken. I will wipe away your tears. I will turn your mourning into dancing. A new day will come. Trust Me. Lean into Me. You are Mine.

I didn't have words. He did.

Love you friend,


Sarah said...

Your friend Tina always has just the right words! I will agree and add AMEN!!!Love and prayers, always!