Moist eyes locked on mine, waiting.
I didn't.
His adam's apple dropped down, then back up..
Slowly I spoke to my pastor.
"My greatest fear is not knowing God's presence."
Psalm 16:11 speaks to this "You make know to me the path of life; in your presence there is fulness of joy.."
Chemotherapy coming..I did not know how I would do--can anyone do well really??
Like a warrior woman, I braced my soul for the burning.
I took in life. The Word. Medicine for my seared soul, a balm for the wounds coming and to come. Sufficient. Powerful. Time released.
"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High, will abide in the shadow of the Almighty..I will say to the Lord my Refuge and my Fortress, my God in whom I trust!" Psalm 91:1
I purposely placed God's precious promises in my heart, my mind...
I spoke it, in entirety over my children, over my husband, over myself..it has become part of us, part of who we are as a family..
I trust You my Refuge!
I trust You, my Fortress!
I began to understand that I had a simple choice each day. I could cave to fear and the pain or I could embrace it.
I do not mean in a poor me manner, hug it like a friend, but in a "this is what You have ordained for me" manner.
I chose to be grateful for what may seem insignificant to you, but it was life for my family.
In all things, give thanks, God told me.
I thanked Him for each day--it was a gift, I told my children, again and again.
We would see birdies at our feeder and thank God.
Friends brought meals. We thanked God.
I healed up, we thanked God..
Before cancer, I used to go into trials, especially the big type, with an attitude of "I cannot wait until this is OVER." Please God...make it be done. I'm ready to be finished..Learn? I did not.
I fretted. Stewed. Said I was struggling with it..reality was I was wondering why God would "do" this to me. I did not turn to God's Word truly, with a crushed heart, knowing it was my LIFE..
I would mostly complain..Fear hunkered at the door of my heart all the time..what if this happened: What if that happened??
It did. But God knew. He was not surprised.
For you dear one, if you are in a trial at this moment, I have words for you. Will you believe them? Please?
"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." John 16:33
You are not alone. Trials, tribulations come. Jesus said they would..He also said to "take courage." Remember dear one, He has already overcome the world through the cross, for you..for me..
"Therefore do not be anxious for tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34
Live in today. Live in now. Days came where I lived moment by moment..honestly. I could not think about the next infusion--I stayed on today and became a beggar-- more grace Lord! Please Lord help me!! Do not let me fear Lord!
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thess. 5:16-18
I have a flat chest now, but I am grateful to be alive. I used to be bald. Now, my heart seeks after the woman in the grocery store with a hat pulled over her ears and my feet follow her. I need to hug her, to tell her I used to have a "hairdo" like hers. I tell her she is beautiful because I know to God, she is..
"Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not look anxiously about you, for I am your God." Isaiah 41:10
Fear is a human response to crisis, to pain, to the unknown. But God does not want us to be fearful. Fear sucks the life out of us. It kills faith. I know...I struggled and struggled with fear..Will "it" return?
Will I lose my life? Like my brother? My father? Who will take care of my children? My husband? (God will. He is capable you know--He is GOD.)
Day by day I replaced fear thoughts with God thoughts. Fear tried to choke me. God breathed life into me...He is greater than any fear.
Praise You Lord...thank You Jesus...
"This I recall to my mind; therefore I have hope,
the LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
for His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23
God's lovingkindness to me will never end. This gives me hope. Fear melts. Mercies
never fail ..
God's faithfulness towards me is great..
Please believe God dear one. He is faithful. He does not want you to live in fear. He desires your heart to be grateful. God's intimate presence infuses joy. Scatters fear. Fortifies faith.
In His presence there is fulness of joy...
He is faithful,
Bonnie
I have been nudged to write more. Just in my heart. Others tell me I can write--I need to believe them..I want to make much of God, Who He is. What He can do. That is why I wrote this blog entry tonight. If you sense God tenderly speaking into the nooks and crannys of your heart, here is an opportunity. Be brave dear one. Write so others can see Him. Know Him. Believe Him.
No comments:
Post a Comment