Beyond all that I ask or think. You, O God, say that is what you are able to do, according to the power that works within me..Ephesians 3:19,20
Ephesians is a hard study for me, because I need to break it down to be able to make it my daily bread--to be able to do that-- I have to be able to think..
Which is difficult lately. I don't know if it's menopause. Or not enough rest? I cannot use chemo brain any longer according to my oncologist. Rats..
I know..It's weariness. Exhaustion. Last Saturday am, I got up to go pray with my church family and it was good. I love prayer, especially with the saints of God...but I came home and directly went to bed. Stayed there til 2pm...felt a tad better..
The weariness is emotional--it sluffs off onto my physical demeanor--it's grief still..
2 years out is a long while since someone you love dies, passes, or goes to be with the Lord.
There's more than that too, but only Jesus and me need to discuss it. Especially here.
I was thinking on the way home today, both my daddy and my brother had recurrences of their cancer..will I? Since my past posting, I have had a suspicious lump checked..only to discover it is "tissue consistent with post mastectomy tissue." Whew is right...
Only You know Lord. I need to leave these kinds of thoughts with You because their weight is cumbersome and downright exhausting to cart hither and yon.
It would be "easier" to process (I think) if I could sit in a quiet place, have a clean home, dinner made waiting for me and oh, let's say the leaves all raked ..
But I process while I do life. While I rake. While I hunt for Bambi's cousin, twice removed..While I cook dinner. As my eyeballs take in pictures of his family on my frig--or consider my brother in the very presence of the King of King and Lord of Lords...
These moments are not burdens, it's just how it is. Grief is like that--coming in waves, big or small, but coming. Always washing up more memories on the shore of my heart..
Lord I reflect back on what I read this morning...how You can do exceeding abundantly beyond all I ask or think---and it's not according to my power but Yours...
And You say too that power is "within me."
Even if I do not FEEL it, this power enables me to continue to "do" life to and for You Jesus.
Even when I hurt deep inside and no one but You knows. Even when I miss my sibling so--even when I long to hear my daddy's voice--even when most would wonder why I am still "like this" or "haven't gotten over it yet." I am on God's timetable, not the worlds thank goodness...
To You be the glory Lord. To You.
Thank You for loving me and being my very present help...